Should my 13 year old and 12 year old go to their dad's if they don't want to?

Question

I have have five children and the old two go to their dad's very ofter weekend and four week out of the summer. Well the last week of the summer that they were to go to their dad's, they told him that they did not want to go because their baby sister birthday was one of those days and they missed it last year because they were with him. Also they had made new friends and wanted to spend time with them. Anyways when they would of gone to their dad's they would of just sat at in his girlfriends apartment until he got out of work nine hours later.
Also too their dad has been having them keep secerts and not allowing them to call me when they are down there. Taking their cell phone so they can't text message me at night when he is sleeping. Lying to me on where the kids are and who they are with. And not returning my call.
I hate the idea of having to go back to court to modifty the visitation. but I think I have to so the kids can have a say in what they want.

Answer 1

I think the important issue is WHY they don't want to go. Hopefully the father realizes how important his responsibility as a father is to his children. I would ask social services to provide family counseling to repair or improve the relationship. The consequences of a poor relationship with either parent has long reach effects in ones life. Think long term.

Answer 2

I think there are a few different issues here.



First, If your kids wanted to be at their baby sisters birthday, instead of his place, their dad should let them. If he does not, he is being inconsiderate. Add to that the fact that he has them keeping secrets, lies to you about where they are and who they are with and does not let them call you is a serious problem.



However I believe that the idea that 13 and 12 year olds need to have veto power in their parents decision making process is flawed. I agree they need to be able to provide their opinions, but still also need discipline and guidance, subject to both you and their dads discretion.



If you had to work, and the kids had nowhere to go, you would also have to leave them with a friend until you got back. And If they are supposed to be in bed, asleep at night, taking their cell away is an appropriate form of discipline. So i think you need to look beyond that.



So far as all of the people assuming that there is something bad going on, well It is possible, but it is equally illogical to automatically assume that it the case. If there are other reasons why your kids don't want to go over to their dads, you have to ask them to be honest about it and tell you.



The fact that their dad may have disciplined them is not a good enough reason. But if there are other serious reasons you need to find out and then make a fair decision based on that. Remember that kids can also be very good at learning how to play parents against each other to get what they want. I know it's hard to do with your kids, but try to be honest and objective with yourself about it.



Good luck!

Answer 3

You should encourage your children to spend time with there dad. Do not be negative because only negative feelings hurt. They can always celebrate their sisters birthday when they get home.



I also have to add.......Hopefully while they are visiting their dad you are not constantly interfering. This is there time with there dad, let him enjoy what little time they have with him without interference. I know how hard it must feel to be without your children, but let them love their dad too. You need to be encouraging not discouraging. If my step children's mother was texting the boys we have 14 years old while i was sleeping then that means its after hours and you are interferring with rules in their home. Find something to do, and let them know their dad. Call them once or twice a week during a decent hour, if they still interfere time to take him back to court.

Answer 4

Right now, you must obey the law or show reasonable cause not to. If the court order says he gets visitation etc... then you must obey it or you will be in contempt of court, in which case the law would be on HIS side. To that extent, he could then argue that because they are so young and impressionable, that you could be filling their heads with inaccurate information. Unfortunately the judge might see that point a little because of you denying the visitation order.



If I were in those shoes, I would go through the hassle of getting the court order changed. Be ready though. Your girls must be fully prepared for the onslaught of questions. I would ask to be excused from the court room or just able to view via closed circuit, so that the girls are not feeling pressure from you and you may request the same. This way only the lawyers and judge are the ones to talk to them and neither parent has in court room influence.

Answer 5

The fact that he is not allowing them to communicate with their own mother is very disturbing. My son visits his Dad over the summer and his Dad lives 1200 miles away. If I wasn't able to talk to my son, he wouldn't be allowed to visit then. Id tell his Dad to take me to court if he has a problem with it. It sounds like an unhealthy environment for the kids. I would not force them to visit. Once the kids get home, I'd tell their Dad that the kids don't like it there and you are not forcing them to live in an unhealthy environment. If he doesn't like it, then he can spend the money to take you to court, and then the kids can testify what was going on. No judge would make a choice that is bad for the kids.

Answer 6

It depends on why they don't want to go.

I'm a bit biased on this one. I was 12 and I didn't want to go to my dad's either, but it was because I had more fun at home with my friends and my dad was busy and he couldn't keep me entertained and I was bored. But when I was 13 I had to go live with him, or move to Florida with my mom and I was going to be a freshman in high school, So I opted to live with him. Anyway long story short, my father died when I was 26. That gave me 13 years left with him after I moved in with him. I am thankful every day for getting to really know him. If things had turned out differently and I was allowed to stop seeing him, I wouldn't have known what a great man he really was. I think having a relationship with their father is important. So unless something is happening that shouldn't be (abuse of any kind) I think they should spend time with their dad.

Answer 7

No, they shouldn't HAVE to go, but be sure you are NOTguilty of playing your kids against your x. It's tempting.

You need to check the decree to see if you would be in contempt of court to change it without going to court. Most judges would be on your side.

You might try playing nice with x.

Examine yourself that this is BEST for THEM, not you. What is best for them? Answer that, that then STICK to your GUNS. Help your x to see that is the bottom line for both of YOU.

Go back to court and tell them you want your children to be with their DAD, not his girlfriend, when on vacation. SHE doesn't have visitation! (don't be nasty-but be firm.)

He needs to be on VACATION (at least part of the time) when they come. Or with other relatives, not girlfirends or sitters.

Tell the judge he takes the phone away, is keeping secrets, and tries to undermine your authority and your security. He could fool around and lose any visitation unless he behaves himself.

Ask him to change the DATES of his visitation to let your girls go to the party. Or change the party date. You can do this.

They only have one daddy. Unless he is a pedophile or a addict, make easy easy for them to have a relationship with him or you and they will all pay the price.

He can't be a prince or he would still be home, but he is daddy, warts and all. They need to learn forgiveness, and compassion. They can learn it from him. (If you show them how.) Or they can be divorce VICTIMS their whole lives.

What are you teaching them about boundaries, respect for themselves, dealing with difficult people, and situations, and independence?

Good luck, honey.

Answer 8

Do not make your children go back to their dads having the same prob with my 7 year old son. Sit and talk to their father and explain to him why but sometimes although us mothers hate to do this to our children you have the children need to sit and talk to their dad. Take him back to court if you have too your children are old enough to where they might have a say so in the legal matter good luck

Answer 9

The girls are getting older, according to the judge he will listen to them now as oppose then. If you have joint custody, or he have visitation right, you all may want to work it out. Maybe switch the weekend to another weekend to accomodate attending the baby sister birthday party.



If they are really sick and tired of going to his house, you do have grounds to refile. Just be sure you all have it together when you take it back to court. The judge will here them, and I don't think no judge will order childern to visit when they don't.

Answer 10

There ya go, take him back to court and put the kids right in the middle of all this.

Yes they should have to go. Why because he is there father and you should not be playing their age against him. Kids often don't want to do things that we as parents tell them they have to. This is an exception in your head because at the end of the day it means you get what you want. Them to pick you over him.

Tell them that this is the way it is and end of story.

Answer 11

you would obviously have to go back to court. however, the issue of the little sister's bday seems like something you two could have resolved by switching his weekend to the next weekend (in essence giving him two weekends in a row).



if you feel that you can't contact your children when they are with him, i think that is a valid reason to return to court and get it stipulated that they are to have access to their phones. i know it is possible to even mandate what times you are to talk to them, so perhaps the judge would order that you talk to them on the weekends by 7 pm while they are gone.



to make this easier, collect any evidence of the wrongdoing. don't bring your children into it. 1) your ex's lawyer will say that you coached the kids. 2) they shouldn't be involved in your arguments with their father. you have already gotten their point of view, so you don't need to keep asking them. evidence of the behavior would be any voicemails that he leaves where he is acting unreasonably. another piece of evidence would be the phone bills. the bills should show all calls going back and forth btwn you and the children. if you can demonstrate a pattern of you placing calls to them on their weekends with your ex that don't result in answered calls on the kid's phones, you can show concrete proof that you are unable to get in contact (with date, time, and frequency provided). this is the same for text msgs. if you can show that you send texts with no response, that will be better for a judge than just your word. the children can provide SUPPORTING evidence, but they should only be the support, not the main source of proof. no matter what you do, try to be concrete. if you have the ability to record phone calls, call your ex while the kids are NOT there (don't involve them) and express your concerns that you can't get ahold of them. keep these recording as well.



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Answer 12

i think you need to have a serious talk with the father you are the mother and you have all the right to know when and where they are and if they want to phone you so be it.. if your children dont want to go to there fathers then they shouldn't have to go have you ever thought there might be another reason why they dont want to do could there be and abuse coming from him,, all i can say is try and talk to your children and tell them you wont get mad you just need to know what has gone on while staying at there dads ,

Answer 13

My kids have had the choice of going or not, always. I've never made them go if they didn't want to. Starting at 3 years old. The father could fight it but he don't. I wouldn't wanna spend time with him either, can't imagine making kids spend time with him.

Answer 14

i was goin 2 suggest you speak to thre father, but he obviously isnt resonable man..i hate to say it, but i think court is your only option here...if the kids dont want to go.then you shouldnt have too make them.court is awful.but i bet if you asked the kids what they want they would want you to go to court to help them out..and also theres no way he should be takin there phones off them so you cant speak to them..thats well out of order..go too court hun...for your kids sake..they clear;y arnt happy...and im not surprised...there say in court should amount for something at there age. good luck huni.x







and hey phillus-maximous.L..what the hell is your problem..dont answer peoples questions at all if you are going to be that rude and disgusting...this girl is no whore...she is a concerned mum...you nasty creep...dont normally say things 2 people with comments,, but cant be doing with nasty creeps like you..**** hole.

Answer 15

If the kids don't want to go there anymore unfortunately you will have to go to court again. Because they are supposed to be with him even though they don't want to. Besides if you don't take it in legal stride your ex will more than likely blame you and accuse you of keeping him from his kids.

Answer 16

PS, because of heir age they have a choice, however they have to seem mature to the judge. Make sure they have their thoughts together and file to get a motion for modification of visitation.

Answer 17

The courts understand that as childen grow they have different needs and so do the parents.

I would go through the hassle of doing it right legally.

Answer 18

yes I agree your kids should have a say, unfortunately they do not and neither do you, it was the courts who decided the visitation rights and if you and your kids have some valid reasons why his visitation right should be modified than you should go back to court, otherwise there isn't anything you can do they have to go.......

Answer 19

Absolutly, they have to see their dad, they may not want it know but when they are older they are going to look back and blame you for not pushiing them to build a stronger relationship with their father, and you don't wnat that on your shoulders. At this time they are young and confused and don't really know what they want but it is important to build a stable scheadule for them and their father. Hope I helped.

Answer 20

Get in touch with your lawyer and let him know what is going on. Your children are old enough to decide where they want to be. Your ex is wrong in lying about your children.

Answer 21

At their ages, the judge will most likely let them decide for themselves.



If a child does not want to go someplace, there is usually a reason. Listen to them!

Answer 22

tell their dad that they can visit him some other time due to an important event

their father should be able to see them because they are his children but if he is abusive then you have a right not to let them go

Answer 23

Stop all your incessant chatter and nagging and just let the man see his kids. You are too jealous because his new girl is a hot piece and you're a dried up old bat.

Answer 24

the matter has to go to court so that the judge can listen to the children and find what is good for them. i dont like the part in which you mention secrecy and their having to go to his lover's apt. children should be protected from such behavior.

Answer 25

im 13 and in my opionion if i didnt want to go somewhere and my parents forced me i would probably be mad at them for a long time...so if u dont want that to happen then agree wit them,plus i think theyre old enough to make atleast a decision like that.atleast for a few weekends unless their dad is doing something bad to them.

Answer 26

They are old enough to tell the judge and everything who they wanna go with. All u gotta do is go to court again and if ur kids say that they dont wanna c their dad without you there, then thats wat will happen. At least thats how it is in my state.

Answer 27

does the court say they are old enough to make that decision? noo soo do as the courts say do and move on

Answer 28

no they dont have to adn that is the law

go to count or get a lawyer and talk to them about it more

good luck

Answer 29

This is not right. You can't let your ex keep secrets from you. Your daughters don't want to go to his house. They don't have to. There are reasons! Listen to your daughters. You don't want to force them to go.

Answer 30

If they don't want to go, then they shouldn't have to. There is no reason for him to take their phones and not answer when you call.

Answer 31

no point in making kids do what they don't want to.. the whole time they're there they're gonna make it known that they didn't really wanna be there and that their mom "made" them go.. so i say no..

Answer 32

don't make them go if they don't want to apperantly he doesn't pay 2 much attention to them in the first place..

Answer 33

if your kids dont want to go back, there is a reason. he could be sexually abusing them. who knows. ask your kids exactly why they dont want to go back. make them be honest and tell them that no matter what they say you wont be mad at them and youll understand. i wouldnt let them back until i get to bottom of it.

Answer 34

NO THEY SHOULDNT. IF THEY REALLY DONT WANT TO GO. FOR 2 OF THEM NOT TO WANT TO MAYBE THERE IS SOMETHIN GOING ON.

Answer 35

If they do not want to---- don't let them. Who knows what he is doing to them. Let them stay with you.

Answer 36

No.... they shouldnt