How do you greet a husband who is a stranger coming home from deployment?

Question

My husband has been in the army for almost three years now and I have been away from him working on a difficult bachelors and masters program in a school in PA. School and work has taken up so much of my time I have only seen my husband 2 times in three years. I haven't even spoken to him on the phone because every time he called I was either at work, in class, or in the library. I also still have three more years to go before I am done. I am not picking him up, but I was wondering if there might be anything I need to know from other couples experiences of how I should react when he comes home from a deployment. I have heard that this can be a very emotional time for a soldier. I also know nothing about the deployment or what rank he is. We have never spoken about it. It will be I guess meeting a stranger.

Answer 1

Honey, you have to TRY to maintain a relationship while he's gone. You haven't even spoken to him on the phone? Are you serious? My husband's on his third deployment in Iraq now. I talk to him twice a day before work and after work AT LEAST. You can be sure that I arrange time to take his phone calls. You have to at least TRY to keep this relationship going, and it doesn't sound like you're trying at all. I know you're in college, but, hey, guess what, people understand when you tell them your spouse is deployed. I juggle a full time nursing schedule, a part time counseling practice, as well as charity commitments, and I do NOT regularly miss calls from my husband. I have been in the middle of work, my phone has went off, and, you know what, it takes 3 seconds to explain to someone "please excuse me, my husband is calling from Iraq." Guess what, people understand! And if they don't, screw them. He's in Iraq, and you, as his wife, need to be there when he calls, the majority of people will under stand, even those from school and work, if you simply let them know that it's an urgent call that you cannot miss because he cannot just "call you back" like when other people call. It's important for the two of you to remain connected and to support him through his deployment. It sounds like you have not made your marriage with him a priority whatsoever. And how can you not pick him up? Sorry but my husband and I have been through 3 deployments and we are nowhere near "strangers" because we take the time energy and effort in order to remain close and connected. It just plain old sounds like you aren't trying enough with him. After 3 years, and you can't even go to pick him up? You sound like you are more concerned about your life and what you want to do rather than keeping a close marriage with him and with supporting him through a deployment. You don't even know his rank? What kind of wife are you?!

Answer 2

For being in OIF three times I could tell that.... We just want to chill, he's a dad so, he's probably going to want to play with the kids, spend time with them. Nothing should be rigidly structured. Depending on what he was doing, where he was, he may come back and be chilled out already. Or, due to the things that he's seen, he may need some more decompression time. There's that transition period, remember? The Family Service Center on base has counselors who can assist you with tips when your hubby returns home. Maybe the command Ombudsman? Seek these sources of info, you may pick up something. Ok, this one: He should not have to return to an environment of chaos. The more you can reduce that, the fastest and more comfy he will get. Is that grass cut? Does the car need a fix up? Does he AC in the house work? But don't create an Utopia for the guy. He will have some time off after returning. Would he be open to the idea of going somewhere? The four of ya'll. Does he like the moutains, or how about the beach? But, at home, do you have a bath? You know him best, would he like something like a warm bubble bath? Silly, I know but... a little pampering can go a long way. Ultimately he will tell you what he wants to do. He may the type of guy who the week after coming back he's gonna want to go on hikes and what not. Love him dearly, hug him tight. Hell! that right there is the best thing, really.

Answer 3

There are things you both don't know about each others lives now, yet underneath it all, both should still possess the qualities you first fell in love with... Just be there for him... greet him as you would have the day you got married if you still love him... Be honest though... both with him and with yourself. If you want this... want it to work... then make it work... if you don't, or are just not willing to make the sacrifices, at least let him be happy. If he still tried to call you during his deployment, it's because he is still thinking about you... and to me... if your asking this question, you're still thinking about him... even if you are still unsure of how you really feel.



When he arrives, don't focus on what you used to have, how he used to be, or what you think it should feel like. Let him know you are glad he is safe and tell him thank you... At the very least, he did serve his country... I know it sounds cheesy, but ask him out... First step to recovering a relationship would be to re-visit your friendship. You don't have to jump immediately back into the romantic parts... but if you do love him, take him out and see where things go... Just look at everything from a fresh new pair of eyes.



He is going to take some time to adjust back into the civilian life. He won't be carrying a weapon anymore, so occasionally you might catch him "looking" for something, but just give him a second and he'll realize it's not there. Even if he never left the wire during his stay overseas, he probably dealt with a lot of stress. Same as you have I'm sure trying to work on your bachelors... Share your experiences and listen to his. If you don't understand something he's talking about... make a mental note and try to google it later... that way he sees that you're taking initiative to learn what he's been doing. You are the one he fell in love with and visa versa... I could tell you all day about how to treat a deployed soldier... but only you know how you won him over the first time... Just re-visit those roots if you want to do it again...



Remember just to be honest with yourself and never give up on something you want as long as you're willing to get it...

Answer 4

It took time for me and my wife sometimes it was up to a month to develop what we had before deployment. Combat can make him moody, so not so many people can understand what he has been through. Take it from me though he will be glad to be home and he will be interested in everything that has happened. Sure sex at first will be gang busters; but after that he will be happy to have the comfort of home.

Answer 5

This sounds very dysfunctional. Only 2 times in three years? This isn't a marriage.



If you want to have a marriage with him, live together, build a friendship and work on the romance. It will happen after time, either that or you'll go your own ways.

Answer 6

Come on, you need to have a loving and caring emotions as a wife. You sound like you don't want to be married, or take care of him. Are you trying to get out of this marriage. Do you have somebody in your life right now. I go to college too, but I still manage to spend time with my husband. Good Luck! Please take care of that poor guy when he comes back from hell.

Answer 7

Well, for the past 3 years you have been investing a lot of time and energy in your job and your education while he has been serving his country to keep you free.



You don't sound very happy - in fact, you sound like you feel inconvenienced.



I don't know what to tell you, really. This is really sad.

Answer 8

Greet him like that man you love and not a stranger.

Answer 9

My husband was in the military, he says "if you have to ask, get a divorce". Personally, men have very basic needs, make love to them, feed them, don't talk their ears off, make love to them, make love to them, it all equals tender loving care (TLC).

Answer 10

i understood about all of it until you said you don't know his rank--that is unreal. i guess in your case just shake hands? seriously sit down and talk things out.