What's proper dating etiquette for a single parent?

Question

I'm a single father. I have two older kids from a previous marriage that I support, and I fought for and won custody from my last wife after she wouldn't let me see him. Although, I don't have court ordered child support for my older kids, I support them (which is why my ex and I never went to court).

It is difficult being a custodial and a non-custodial parent and trying to date. The women I meet are accustomed to a man asking, planning, and paying. And it's really appalling that a single mother doesn't respect the fact that a single parent has limited resources; especially if their child's father doesn't support her children financially or with time. Usually a first date is a cup of coffee at Starbucks or Denny's to sit and talk and get to know one another. The times I've taken a woman out on a REAL date (and trust me when I say I know how to plan a date from start to breakfast, if you know what I mean). However, I feel guilty because I don't really know these women and sometimes I may only see them once or twice.

In my previous relationships, the women shared the cost. When I say shared the cost, i don't mean dutch. I sometimes they asked me out and paid, so I didn't have all the responsiblity and pressure. Now days if I tell a woman that they think I'm cheap.

Once I took a woman out on a date. When I got home that night, my baby told me that his shoes hurt his feet. I didn't have money until my next paycheck to buy new shoes. I felt like a horrible father.

What also hurts is because of my education and my job title, women assume that I have money. I'm in a profession where people automatically assume that the median income is $120k; however, there are people who make $30k and people who make $300k.

Answer 1

The sad reality of being a single parents is that you already been through all the courtship and now you are being forced to do it again but with children. Really, any woman who courts you now should be courting your children as well. You may say "those kids aren't her responsibility, and i can't impose such a thing on her" but lets face the facts. Any woman who is ever going to claim you as part of her responsibilities is automatically claiming those children no matter if she likes it or not. You really feel you couldn't use your children as leverage because it seams so wrong, but that's the best way to handle being a single parent really. Yes it is wrong, those kids should have the love of their mother and father at all times, but life throws us curve balls and we still must learn to swing at them. I would recommend not dating the old traditional ways anymore. You need to find a woman who is interested in doing things with you while you're with your children. You need a woman who understands being a mother as well as a lover. Because no matter how many ways you try to disprove my next statement. The only path you offer a woman is to be with children.

Answer 2

Well this is sadly your reality after having kids and divorcing. Your income is split many ways. I think you should expect most women to expect you, the man, to pay for dates since that is customary for a man to pay for dates.



However you should seek out women who are also divorced (their ex husband is living and possibly paying them alimony so they aren't poor), have kids AND are working. These are the only people who will understand that your income is split between you, kids, and an ex wife so there isn't much spending money left over.



I think you should figure out more free or low cost dates such as taking them to a museum, out for a picnic in a park, or one of the chain restaurants that have the 2 for 20 dollar deals.



Please though don't date women who are single parents (no ex in their life/ kids lives so therefore they don't have the financial support they need for their kids) and single people who do NOT have children. These types of women will never understand your situation and will always judge you for not paying for all the dates.



Honestly I dont have kids and have never been married so I would be very disappointed in a man who doesn't pay for the dates. My BF is single, no kids so he doesn't have extra financial responsibilities and thats how I like it. So I know I would never be ok with a man who can't pay for my meal too, especially at a chain restaurant. That is because I am not going through the same thing as you are. You need women who are in the same situation and can understand and relate to your situation. Stop dating single women who have no kids and don't understand how tight money is for you or else you will always get rejected by these type of women.

Answer 3

When you are a parent, your children come first. Period. You don't want to be with a woman who doesn't understand or respect that. There is nothing wrong with going out for a simple cup of coffee and just talking or taking a nice walk together...the point is to get to know someone, not spend all of your money! Any woman who expects that is not worth your time. You really should find some dating sights that are specifically for single parents, or join some organizations for single parents so you can meet up with women who understand and share your situation. good luck, I hope you find what you are looking for.

Answer 4

I was brought up that if the man is asking you out he pays the bill. But some times I would pick up the bill if we did other things. Like he would pay for the food and I would pay for the movies. I think though a good father takes care of his children first. I know we all have needs but that should come second to your children. Your time will come and maybe with a little patience the right understanding woman will come your way. Money is hard right now for most families. So when I go out we take turns paying.

Answer 5

Well, I can only say as a widow, I've done some dating and it's a whole different ballgame than many a year ago and I sure accept that. Did a Starbuck "get to know you" - then a second date of visiting a museum and having lunch (-and I paid for my half BTW, not KNOWING his financial situation and desiring to simply share as I would with any friend, SINCE? we STILL didn't KNOW each other well...period) Since that time? If I want to go to a play? I'll buy two tickets and ask someone, no commitment, just shared time. So I think it depends, but I must say, I don't think you want to CONTINUE to date women who SHOW this kind of tendency/lack of foresight, insight whatever you wish to call it...Seriously.



Grace

Answer 6

Ok, I understand that you dont want to seem cheap, but not your last money. Not on ANYBODY! If you want to date women seriously, you need to be as forthcoming as possible. THEN, your actions should confirm your words! You cant explain how hard it is for you, then buy steak and lobster. We get confused and this causes problems. Also, you can try to do activities that involve more focus on conversation and less on the activity, like a picnic. My sons father and were sooooo poor that we went to library and started passing dirty notes to each other (gotta be quiet in the library). Memorable and free! All things considered, honesty and creativity will do ya good. Good luck!

Answer 7

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Answer 8

I may be a bit spoiled but I kinda expect to be paid for. Maybe try a plan like- starbucks first date, picnic second date (with a cheap bottle of wine, I think that would be nice) and a decent restraunt for 3rd date. That's sad though, about the shoes...you're a good dad, you have a heart, you'll figure it out. Just brains storm, also check out things like groupon.com and livingsocial.com- they are great ways to get gift certificates to places or restraunts for alot cheaper.

Answer 9

You should not be spending the last of your money on a date. That just isn't smart.



Your child comes first and any woman that deals with you, should understand that.



You need to find a woman who is financially independent.

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