My husband had an affair in August 2005. I am still not over it.?

Question

I feel like I am going crazy. I am totally possesive. I want to know his every move. I still check his phone bills and question him about evertything. I cant seem to get over it. I know I am driving him crazy. If this doesn't end soon I will lose him and he is a good guy who made a mistake. Heaven knows I am no angel. There is no sign of him still cheating, but he continues to lose weight. I am bothered by that too. Is there any one else out there that has gone through this and kept their sanity!? What do I do?

Answer 1

First, the reason you're so possesive now is the fact that he hasn't earned your trust back yet. Trust is such a hard thing to build and such an easy thing to lose. His part in fixing the relationship is earning your trust back and trying to fix the part of you he damaged when he decided to cheat. You can't get over the betrayal until what he damaged in you has been repaired. You're never going to forget that it happened but, forgiveness and moving on can't start when he's being constantly reminded. I know you feel hurt and worried that he'd do it again but, part of repairing starts when you can move passed that. He's taken a step in the fact that he's still with you after the affair and, at least what it seems right now, is that he's done his best not to repeat his mistake.

The best thing you can do for your relationship is to get counseling. There are still things you need to say and have said to you then evidently aren't. You admit that you're no angel and that he's trying which is a good thing. Most times counselors will tell you that cheating is the not heart of the problem, something else was wrong beforehand and cheating was the outcome. The fact that you two are still together means that you are still the one he wants and you still want him. It takes a strong relationship to say that. However, he does have a point that he can't continually live in pergatory being reminded of what he did.

Try having someone else mediate, it might help.

Answer 2

Dana: It takes a long time to get over something like that. Sometimes we never do. The suspicions, the anger & the bitterness can only put more stress on the situation. If professional councilling is financially unfeaseable try to find a support group local to you. Most are listed with Women's shelters or community groups. You'll prehaps have to swallow a bit of pride initially but in the end you'll come out a much different Lady. Failing that my dear your relationship is in jepordy. It's never easy & very difficult to do on your own without support from somewhere. It is something that never leaves your thoughts for long. When a trust is violated by way of an affair, we sometimes place more blame on ourselves than we should. We cannot control other peoples behaviour. The only thing we can change is the way in which we deal with it. Don't let your imagination run wild. His weight loss can easily be caused by the amount of stress you are both under. At one time in your relationship you were his central focus. Give him reason to be that again. Be patient, although it's difficult this is a long bumpy road you are on. Believe in & be true to yourself. If you need someone anonymous to vent to my e-mail addy is available. I don't have all the answers, still searching 4 some myself....

good Luck young Lady. Keep in touch if you need to.

Answer 3

First of all He didn't make a mistake.It was something he chose to do so that makes it a thought out decision on his part.Second when he made this decision he completely forgot about the most important things in his life and chose something that would destory everything that you and he worked hard for.If you want to work it out you should talk to him and come to a very clear understanding of what you expect from each other and then not be affraid to discuss it when one of you aren't getting there needs met.If you can't put the affair behind you it will eat at your soul for ever and thats not healthy for you.Sounds to me that you still have doughts about his faithfulness or lack of it.Hope this helps in some way I went through the same thing and chose to end it after to many sleepless nights and so much dought.

Answer 4

Hon, all the obsessive efforts in the world on your part aren't going to stop him from cheating if that is really what he wants to do. He will either cheat again or he won't. That is out of your hands. You either accept what happened and his remorse over it and move on or you don't. There is no "make life a living hell for the both of us" option.



You are way past the time where it is both understandable and natural that you would need concrete proof of his fidelity in order to reassure yourself that staying with him was the right thing to do.



You either forgive him and move on or you don't. He must really love you and truly be sorry to have put up with this so far. Don't keep pushing it because his sense of self-preservation will eventually take over and he will leave.



Stop the crazy stuff and work on your trust issues with a qualified therapist before you drive yourself crazy, drive him away or both.

Answer 5

For gods sake i wish some people would put a bit more thought into their answers!!!



I became really possessive after my fiance cheated on me, I was looking to take the blame because somehow i thought that if i did then i could fix the problem. I blamed it on my appearance (i had just had a baby) my hormones - you name it it was my fault. I forgave him and changed everything about me.- He did it again, and is now engaged to another woman only three months after he walked out.

I am not saying he is cheating on you and will do it again, but there are 2 people in your relationship and if you want it to work then you need to talk- just the 2 of you or with help you need to rebuild that trust. It will take time but if you love him and want to be with him then go for it. (Your not wrong going thru phone- but ur sneaking around makes u no better) Be honest and upfront U deserve his respect so make him want it!

Answer 6

OMG.. you sound like me a long time ago..I had that issue. yes, hubby cheated, I found out, it killed me..Caused me panic attacks..for the longest time I did what you are doing, in fact, I did all those thing when I suspected it, that is how I found out..so of course after he admitted it, I felt so hurt and the scary part was I was second..when I always thought I was first..



He did everything to make it up, he knew he did wrong. he let me know where he was, let me see everything of his, he wanted the trust back...he was very good .. to me to help mak eme feel better but still..for years I was upset. Everything made me panic..



Until one day.. he and I had a very long talk. I told him..how I felt, he was shocked and thought I was over it..the only reason why I wasnt was I didnt know what really happened between him and the homewreaker and yes, he did everything to gain the trust back, but he never said sorry and deflected the blame at the time it happened..so that is what was missing..he and I had a 2 day long talk..everything on the table..after that it pain was gone..knowing what happneed, that he was sorry and that he was wrong for placing blame on something else besides himself made everything alot better.

Answer 7

There's really only 2 ways to handle this situation...1) Make the decision to forgive him and leave it at that or 2) Leave him.



If you choose to try and make it work, you have to be willing to put the past behind you and not continue to bring it up. Easier said then done, I'm sure. If my husband cheated on me, I'd never be able to look at him the same way, so I'd have to leave. My trust would be broken and that's that. Good luck on whatever you decide to do, and I hope that you are able to find peace, one way or the other.

Answer 8

Hello, yes this is something that can be over come, you just need to seek the right encouragement. This is something no one wants to ever go through and when you do you become paranoid of your mates everymove and I know you dont want to live like this, but any way I have some links here that I know can help you and your husband to move pass this and save your wonderful family. please take the time to look them over they are life changing may you have a better marriage.

Answer 9

in fact i'm going through this myself right now, but he's on a boat deployment right now, imagine just finding out and not being able to talk to him or kick his ***? He did this to me last year when he was in pensacola july-sept, 05 so i feel you. The best advice i've ever heard came from dr phil (LAMO) "a person that has nothing to hide, hides nothing", and you will never get over it until he understands how bad he hurt you and the depth of your hurt. Its true. My advice, go to a counslor, that's what i'm going to do... get some strength for yourself whether you need tips on how to make it work with him if that's your desire or if you need strength to pick up and move on... good luck... i'm in this with you :( keep your head up and surround yourself with many good friends!!

Answer 10

He broke your trust and that is a hard thinjavascript:void(0);

Check Spellingg to get back. You have to take baby steps in gaining his trust back.With out trust there is no marriage.Take it one day at a time. My x cheated on me and beat me, some guys are not worth sticking around for.

Answer 11

That was over a year ago! Did you seek out any form of counselling. If you are really trying to make this marriage work you need so form of outside help. I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 12

i know your pain but check this out mine said it was over it happened three years ago last month the girl called me and said everytime me and him get into it he comes to her i thought all this time it was over between them i dont trust him and i wont trust him as a matter of fact once the holidays are over we are over my anniversary is in three days he wants to celebrate no way i dont have anything for him so dont let your gaurd down.

Answer 13

well of course you feel this way. This isn't your problem it's his he's the one who has to work at earning your trust back. He made the mistake not you, so he's got to work at gaining your trust again!



Relax!

Answer 14

You probably feel the way you do because you think he's still cheating. he probably is. Get over it or divorce him and move on.

Answer 15

i have been through this as well. you never get over it you cant they betrayed you. but if it is taking over your life it might be time to end it. why should you suffer for something he did wrong.

Answer 16

Seek help, I would not be over it either...sorry I know it is hard but find someone to talk to about it...

Answer 17

was it with a man

then you better kiss him godbye

Answer 18

just leave him