Should I worry?

Question

My husband of 7 years has a lock code on his phone. He works away from Monday-friday so I understand the security but he won't let me know the code. Also, he won't let me use his phone at all, even when my phone is dead.

He has always been private with his phone but he hasn't actually hid the contents of his phone since he was sexting with other women while we were engaged. He insists he is a different man now and has grown up since then.

He checks my phone frequently and freaks out if I talk to a man including just being polite to his friends.

He is a logger with a two person crew so when he is away it is just him and one coworker. This coworker likes to hit on women constantly and felt up a woman last week although he is also married. My husband does not take his wedding ring to work with him for safety reasons and his coworker likes to tell women up there he is available. He swears it goes no where but he doesn't correct it because his buddy is "just having fun."

When my husband comes home on the weekends we have an active sex life and he doesn't really leave the house much but I'm still worried.

Am I being paranoid, is it just suspicious, or is it a big red flag?

Answer 1

Well, understandable that a husband is away from home to earn a living, and only back home weekends.

Very often the wife will check the husband's phone, wallet, clothings note pads, etc..hoping to get something

out just to show or proof that she is correct..

One thing you have to make sure..the day he is at home, did you notice that he is very sensitive with his

phone? any mysterious calls/texting? his phone keeps ringing now & then? All these signs are very obvious

to show you that whether he is cheating or not. If you cant find any of these, then why must you worry..

Once he's back home, he gives all his time to you and the family and never gives you a reason to leave the

house. What your worries is also his worries over you..You should trust him.

Answer 2

if he works hard as a logger, what do you do. do you work hard and pay half of all the bills and expenses. if not then thats a double standard too, like the phone. he goes away all week working in conditions you probably could not tolerate, then comes home and gives you all his attention. doesn't even leave the house and has sex all the time. You should relax and be grateful you have a guy that s=dedicated to supporting you and making you happy, safe and satisfied. I think you just get stir crazy alone during the week. why don't you find a career, or a hobby, or a charity or something. keep yourself busy and productive when he's away. maybe if were successful at whatever you did, then he could work less and you could spend more time together

Answer 3

Yes you should worry. Actually, no. I imagine you've done enough worrying. It's time to take ACTION. Do not let this continue. KNOW YOUR WORTH! You deserve infinitely better than this and you know it. Me and my man would Never hide anything from eachother like that. We use each other's phones all the time and never have any objections because we simply have nothing to hide. And it's not about 'checking up on eachother', it's about not having anything to hide. It really is that simple. Relationships are all about openness and communication. How does he expect you to trust him when he has given you No reason to what so ever??And he is a massive hypocrite! How dare he check up on you and look through your phone when you can't even use his when yours is dead?!?! What an utter a**hole. I'm sorry but don't waste anymore time and emotion on this pathetic excuse of a man. He has absolutely zero respect for you and I'm sorry you only found out about his infidelity after you married him. But it is NOT TOO LATE to turn your life around. I would seriously divorce him ASAP and find someone who actually deserves your love. He does not care about you because if he did you would not be here writing this and feeling the way you do. You KNOW this man is a waste of space. Do you realise that there are so many Genuinely WONDERFUL men out there who would treat you like a Princess and honour you and give you the love and respect that you deserve?? Do you? If not then I suggest you leave him immediately and learn this again fast. I'm sure this must have killed your confidence and self esteem but you cannot let it continue! You just can't. He will not change. Believe me. And why should you wait around hoping and praying that someday he will? How much heartache and pain must you endure for you to say 'enough is enough!' ? I think you know what you must do deep down and Yes, it Is easier said than done but in the long run you will absolutely thank yourself for it and wonder WHY you didn't do it sooner. You will kick yourself for wasting so much time with this lying cheating deceitful scumbag. You've wasted enough already! I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but it REALLY is for your own good! When you are with a man who makes you feel amazing and treats you with respect, love and is Loyal to you, you really will look back and your ONLY regret will be the time you wasted waiting for this unfaithful moron to 'change'... (I thought he was meant to have done that already?.. And yet, here you are).. As I said, please know your worth. Do not let him make you feel like this is all there is. Truly wish you the best of luck. Xx

Answer 4

I'm so sorry, but yes, you should worry. In my experience, every man that has ever put a lock on their phone, no matter how private they are about it, has something they want to hide in there. I would bet you anything if you ever gained access to that phone, you would be very upset at the things you would find. Him going through your phone is a way of easing his guilt. He is searching for something he can use against you in the event that he is ever caught and he wants to feel like if you were cheating, it would be ok for him to do so. The not wearing a wedding ring may be understandable considering the job type, but having his co-workers declare that he's single is not ok. He needs to make it very clear that he's not available, because he's not. If I were you, I would absolutely demand to go through his phone, or I would figure out the password while he's asleep. Been there, done it. Found out my so loving boyfriend of four years had naked pics in his phone of other women and had been messaging other women.

Answer 5

Phone paranoia is a relatively new mental illness on the block, and the cause of much marital strife. In your case, more so, for several reasons. One is that your husband has a previous record for sexting, another is that you are frustrated because you cannot check up on him and the third is that he is able to check on you, and does. In addition you are suspicious because he doesn't wear his wedding ring at work and you know he flirts there. Does this all seem a basis for a happy marriage? That's the crux of the problem. So I'd be worried. More about a general lack of respect on his part within the marriage than any actual evidence that there is infidelity. I don't think that, long term, any of this is going to improve, and to me it sounds as if your relationship will drift towards the rocks unless he will address his secrecy and be more open, and that he will treat you as an equal partner within the marriage. But it doesn't sound as if that's going to happen any time soon.

Answer 6

Unfortunately, when someone is insecure of their mate's actions it's usually a projection of their own infidelity. It's time to have a nice little chat with your husband. He OBVIOUSLY would not appreciate you behaving like this, so it's time to point this out. Make a list of the things he does that make you feel insecure and uncomfortable. If he's a decent man he will reassure you that nothing is going on, give you his passcode/take it off, apologize, etc. If he gets defensive, be suspicious. Yes, trust is important, but how can you trust someone that acts suspicious and doesnt keep good company? My husband doesnt hang around "wild" men with loose morals...it's not his style and we respect each other. Don't be afraid to approach him firmly about this. If you continue to brush it off, he'll continue until he gets caught. Not to mention, it could go a step further than you would wish if you choose to wait.

Answer 7

There's so much debate about personal privacy and it's such bullcrap to me. Honestly in a marriage there shouldn't be secrets. There shouldn't be a war over being able to keep your phone private. Why bother with all that? In my opinion it's because you clearly have something to hide. That's just my opinion WITHOUT all the information you provided someone only goes through extreme lengths to hide their phone because they have a reason to protect themselves. My husband has access to all of my accounts I gave them to him immediately without question. I commit to my relationship therefore I don't care when my husband is on my phone or using my email or whatever else. Now to address what you said, OF COURSE there's something to worry about!!! Not just the fact he is hiding his phone but he is hiding it because he was caught before. He checks your phone because he knows he is up to no good. Why haven't you put a block on your phone two can play at the dishonesty game. There are some jobs that you can't wear wedding rings with. I don't know the laws of a logger but a ring is not a binding contract that will make someone faithful if he believes in his marriage he would not cheat on you and it sounds to me he is a cheater and has an enabling cheating friend. You have plenty to worry about and I would stop obliging in his whims. Block your phone, stop having sex with him until he proves he is not cheating. STD check up and keeping his phone unblocked. I wouldn't tolerate such behavior I wouldn't let myself be treated this way.

Answer 8

Yep definitely worry. I was with my husband for 3 years before we got married, lived together for most of it. Not long after we got married he also started acting real funny not only with his phone but mentally, physically and emotionally and s**ually). I subsequently found out he had a porn addiction and has had it for several years, hiding it from me all along. I ended up finding mass amounts of vids and pics on his phone, tablet, computer etc. The addiction was horrid. It has ruined our marriage after a short 1.5 years of being married, the last 7 months being separated. Some men can't change nor are some honest no matter how much you try but if there's red flags honey you have to pay attention to them and listen to your instincts. I wish I did.

Answer 9

I have read your story completely. He is a nice and hard working guy. Not wearing a wedding ring has nothing to do with happy married relationship. Lot of couples do that. Secondly, if he does give you phone lock code, you may not find anything wrong. It is just his internal satisfaction and being secure independently. It's a feeling that he just don't want any interference / changes with his phone. You are being over suspicious. If he have relationship with someone else, you will know by other means eventually.

Answer 10

I don't know how to update so I'll write s here. I didn't know the extent of his betrayal during our engagement until after we were married and then we went through extensive marital work to a back to a trust zone. Trusting him for the last 6 years is why I didn't notice his secrecy at first but then when I realized all this I had a suffocating feeling that it was just like before. He has expressed on a few occasions over the course of our marriage that talking to those other women was the stupidest thing he has ever done because he almost lost me.

Answer 11

Talk to your husband about trust and honesty. Remind him of his behavior before you married (the sexting) and how his sudden desire for privacy comes across as suspicious. Also let him know if he's not going to allow you access to his phone, he no longer has access to yours (and you need to lock yours).



Tell him straight up how you feel about him (how much you love him) but the double standard isn't fair, and he doesn't have the right to snoop in your phone and get upset over innocent contact with other men, when he locks his phone and has a job that hides the fact that he's married. He's not doing anything to keep your trust, and if he loved you, he would understand your legitimate concerns and work to alleviate them.

Answer 12

Put a lock code on your phone and dont give it to your husband. Simple!



Besides, everyone, even married people, have the right to telephone privacy, email privacy, wallet and purse privacy. Just because we are married to someone doesn't mean it's ok to go into their personal belongings. Each of us still deserves a measure of privacy



If you and your husband don't trust each other, then there is a big problem, don't you think?



My guy doesn't bother my phone. And in fact, he forgot his phone here one afternoon. I took it back to him the next day after he got home from work. I had not looked at it, and it has no passcode. He has porn on there, i know -- even nude pictures of himself. If he talks to other women, there is nothing i can do about it.



When i gave him back the phone, he looked at it, looked at me and said "thank you! you're the best!"... why did he say that? Because he could tell from the notifications on his phone, that I never swiped the screen to look through the phone. And why would i? It's not my phone.

Answer 13

Firstly, if i was you i would lay out the fact that marriage is a EQUAL relationship on both sides, he shouldn't have the right to check ur phone if u don't have the right to check his phone.

Secondly, he shouldn't have to take his wedding ring off during any time, also it most definitely has nothing to do with 'safety' if he trusts you and it NOT hiding anything then he would show u his phone.

Answer 14

First of all why did you marry him if he was sexting other woman The last thing I would want is a man who does that

A man should love you and only you. The only woman he should be sexting is you!

A leopard never changes its spots

If you don't trust him do you really think that's a good sign in marriage/relationships?

Answer 15

Lady... there's like 10 red flags and alarms going off here and you're sitting there like "uhm, should I be worried"... UH, YEA! If you're husband doesn't let you use his phone, that ALONE should be a HUGE indicator! HUGE!

Answer 16

The thing you should be really worried about is the double standard of where he is free to go through your phone - and does it - even though you haven't cheated, but he (who has been guilty of cheating) deserves his "privacy" a far as his phone is concerned.

Maybe his paranoia is because he KNOWS how easy it is for cheating to start. I suggest more and on going therapy - neither of you is really over the sexting thing in the past.

Answer 17

I think you need to be on your toes with him. If I were you, I would sit him down and tell him that since you guys are a couple, both of your should be able to share information or a device together. Sure, even couples need privacy but not to the point where the other cannot look at their phone! See, my boyfriend lets me look at his phone but I don't intentionally go through all his texts because I've had access to his phone from the beginning so I don't feel suspicious. You two really should talk about it seriously and you should tell him that you're uncomfortable with... whatever you're uncomfortable with XD that's for u to decide

Answer 18

If he has sex-texted with other woman in the past then yeah that is not good. Lots of people lock their phone but if he doesn't even let you use his, that's weird. He doesn't bring his ring to work? Weird...never heard of that.

Answer 19

He's probably seeing someone on the side or maybe escorts, massage places. Who knows if he is cheating on you doubt he would be interested in what you are up to. Just check the bill see who he sends text's to.

Answer 20

Yes

Answer 21

Hmmm, with a history of texting other women during your engagement, yes, this is red flag. A big red flag, but then he was a rat while you were engaged, so I guess you shouldn't be surprised.

Answer 22

You didn't get the memo! If it is locked it is safe! I never locked my phone. But I have suggested other too that have snoopy spouses.

Answer 23

it's only really your fault since he had to sext other woman, it must mean you haven't been letting him penetrate you in ways he desires I think if you let him do anal all your problems will go away

Answer 24

You should have been worried when you found out he was sexting other women during your engagement. Honestly, He seems very controlling, and hypocritical to have to constantly check your phone out of fear you are cheating on him.

I would have dumped him upon knowing he was sexting with multiple women without my knowledge.

Answer 25

Yes.

Answer 26

wash his phone in the clothes washer or drop it in the sink. see how he reacts-



might just be hiding cash from you, might not be with another woman.

Answer 27

Simply lock your phone. When he

unlocks his, you will unlock yours.

You KNOW where this is going...

you need to prepare for the worst.

Answer 28

yup

Answer 29

I would

Answer 30

red flag.

Answer 31

he seems fine to me, except his friend.