How do I get my husband to quit the band?

Question

My husband and I met as musicians playing in a band together. We took up strait away and the rest is history... except for the band that is. We are in our forties now and have a three year old daughter. I would like to start doing normal weekend things like camping or mini getaways. Our house needs a LOT of work too. Our roof leaks and is ruining the drywall in the hallway, the backyard fence is so dilapidated that it needs to be replaced, there are holes in the drywall downstairs where pipes have frozen, there isn't carpet in any of our bedrooms, etc... A home improvement project or two would add considerably to our quality of life. We cannot afford to hire someone, but we are both pretty handy. There are just some things I CANNOT do alone. But if he is playing out, there just isn't time in the day to spend as a family or on any projects. He races home Friday and leaves that evening. He doesn't return until 3:30 AM on average and then sleeps the morning away. By the time he is up and going there are but a handful of hours before he has to leave for the Saturday show. He goes to church with us most weekends that he does not play out. Typically though, my daughter and I go to church together while he is sleeping. We bring him back CDs of the service that he listens to on the way to work during the week. By this time, the only family time we have is reduced to a Sunday afternoon.

I would like to think at our age that what we have going on together as a family would be more appealing than playing rock star every weekend. It isn't as if he hasn't had his turn. He's done this for years and years. I lost interest in performing early on but played a supportive role for the first half of our relationship. I went to gigs and such, but I simply grew out of being sleep deprived, lugging gear, having my eardrums blasted out, bar fights, etc... And the band drama... no thanks.

It isn't as if this band has aspirations of making it big, they are a cover band. On top of everything, I've had my fill of worrying over him out there in freezing cold weather, on icy roads, driving over an hour home at a time of night when all the drunks just got kicked out of the bars. I've been there, and safety is a genuine concern. There are a LOT of erratic, tired, and drunk drivers out at that hour.

My husband does not take drugs and is not a Womanizer. These are not factors. He just really enjoys this hobby. But I feel a single mom when he is away 7 weekends in a row. And I fear that my daughter is missing out on great family experiences and memories. I don't want to continue living this "weekendless" life to accommodate his exclusively one sided interest when so many other areas of our lives are being neglected. I just feel like its our turn.

But HOW?

Answer 1

I think you have a legitimate concern here.



Do you think he could compromise and find someone to play half time in his place? What happens when one of them is sick? There must be someone.



Is the added income that important to him or is it mostly for fun?



He needs to understand that he doesn't only plan for his life any more. Your daughter should be first and THE most important things he can give her are his time and energy. Just think of the fun a family band could be!!

Answer 2

Sorry, hon. You knew what a big part of his life this was when you met him. You knew it when you dated him, and you knew it when you married him. Just because your priorities changed doesn't mean you should have expected his to do the same, especially if you didn't talk this out before kids came into the picture.



I'm not saying you can't talk to him about your concerns, or see if there's a way to get him to ease back on the tour schedule, particularly if all this is leaving you feeling like a single parent. But drop it entirely? Probably not happening. You'd be better off thinking of ways to convince him to play gigs where you can bring the kiddo along.

Answer 3

Sit down and have a conversation about the work-family-life balance. As much as you may find parenting to be a wonderful focus...it's pretty obvious he doesn't feel the same. You knew all of this prior to having your child. He loves the band life on the weekends. You may want him to be home more - you may be told no. Be prepared to hear it.

Answer 4

If you take away what he loves he'll resent you.



Hire a contractor or even a teen kid in the neighborhood to help with the repairs.



And who says you can't go camping during the week ?



Edit : Keep in mind , he's the same as he's always been , you're the one that has changed . Now you want to change him to fit what you've become .