My husband is taking me out of half his will - what does this mean? We're still married?

Question

Ok I KNOW what it means, and I KNOW he doesn't love me very much. I just need to hear it from someone else I guess and I'm too afraid to tell people I know because I don't want them to think badly of him or me.

We've been married 13 years, but I was unable to bear him children due to having multiple miscarriages/stillbirths and then going into early menopause. We have been on an adoption waiting list/roller coaster for years but are resigned to the fact that most would be parents do not get the child that they want. We think of ourselves as childless. I have been coming to terms with this and feel okay with it. He DOES not! I have asked him in the past right after our last pregnancy loss, to leave the marriage with my blessing and find someone younger who can bear him children, even though this would hurt me, I want him to be happy, but he said at the time that he didn't want to leave me because he loved me.

However, his ACTIONS do not show much love toward me. He is very concerned about how much being married is costing him, and always been concerned about money. I think that's why he doesn't just leave me - he doesn't like the fact that we would have to split everything 50-50 in a divorce and has previously tried to talk me into signing a post nuptial agreement that would have me only have 40% of our assets since throughout our marriage he's made and put in 60% and I'v put in 40%.

I told him this really hurt me and showed lack of trust in the marriage and lack of love to me, so he stopped talking about it.

Sometimes he really does seem happy with me and acts like he loves me, but most of the time he seems grumpy and sad about life. I think it's mostly because we have no children, although we try to have good relationships with our nieces and nephews and our friends kids.

Today he asked me if it would be okay with me, if he left his life insurance to his nieces and nephews instead of to me? He said he would leave me some of his investments which are currently worth more than his life insurance. I feel hurt. I don't know why. SHOULD I feel hurt? Or is this a normal thing for him to want? It just makes me sad because none of this would happen if we had been able to have children.

Answer 1

I have some experience with this, not personally but from a relative.



Being childless is difficult for both. We live in a child-centric world, and it's a constant reminder that belittles the plight of the childless woman -- and it's horrible because it's basically society constantly telling you that you are failing to live up to your potential (and it's no fault of yours!) -- but it also affects the man, because there are centuries of tradition that makes him feel like he's not fulfilling the promise made to all his past generations of men. IMO, it's much worse for the woman, but we also like in a male-centric world, and that passing down the name is a big deal for men too.



He's conflicted. He does love you. He didn't leave you immediately and is trying to figure out a way that considers your needs and his caring for you, but gives him a way to reconcile the fact that he's not fulfilling his role to pass on his heritage to his own children.



What he's doing is not at all unusual for men in this situation. The couple I'm thinking of did the same thing, although they both agreed on it. If he died, he did NOT want his estate to go to her large extended family. And he feared that, if he died, and she died shortly thereafter, they would split it among the nieces and nephews and in-laws, and her side would get 80% of it, while his only got 20%. Her side was already very rich and spoiled, while his side was not. He wanted a guarantee that at least half his money would go to his family, and the other half would take care of her. So he pretty much did exactly what your husband did.



His wife took it a step further. His will also puts the other half in TRUST for her, and she would receive a fractional amount each year to support her. But if she remarries or dies, the remainder goes to his family again, 100% of whatever is left. And she was okay with that.



Be happy that he didn't just divorce and leave you. (BTW, most wives in your situation DO offer that, and a lot of husbands take them up on it.) It shows he actually DOES value his vows and DOES care about you.



He just wants SOME way to feel like he's passing down an inheritance to his own family. It's his peace of mind for not feeling like he let his father, grandfather, etc., down for not "continuing the name", or at least his unique genetics.



And if he left it all to you, there's always a chance that you would die soon thereafter, or remarry, and all his money and self-worth would go to some stranger's family, the government, or other relatives of yours that he really doesn't like. So THAT'S what he's worried about.



With all of this in mind, TALK TO HIM and make it clear that you understand his motivations. Maybe even suggest the "Trust" alternative. (80% of all trusts are not held by the rich, they are done by ordinary people just like you for exactly these circumstances. You will need to talk to an estate lawyer.)



The people I'm thinking of it not only came to terms with it, they intentionally made a point to have fun with their lives.



BTW, I'm not planning on having kids. Not my thing. But my husband is okay with it. We're leaving our money to some specific charities that we both feel strongly about, and some to his niece, which I am totally okay with.

Answer 2

This guy needs a wake-up call. You deserve to be treasured and loved and he's making you feel insecure both financially and emotionally. He doesn't care if he hurts you and that is cruel. He is way too focused on money and not on your marriage.



This has nothing to do with not having children. He's just blaming his mean attitude on that. He would be the same if you had children.



His nieces and nephews don't need the money. You will if he dies first. Spouses leave their estates to the surviving spouse, then when he or she passes away they can will it to whomever they wish.



Tell him you want more happiness out of life and that you're going to think about a separation and consult a divorce lawyer. I really think you'll have to see an attorney because your husband is more focused on money than providing for you. You don't want to end up old and broke.



He may already be planning to leave you so protect yourself and prepare to make your own way.

Answer 3

Wow. If you haven't gotten the message by now? This man does not love you whatsoever. His actions are cruel beyond REASON. He's got problems; children or not? He's got BIG problems. This "hot and cold" behavior? NEEDS TO END. You need to bow your back and let him know you're sorry about the child situation but you're done feeling guilty - you're done trying to placate him and it's time you get on with YOUR life, no matter what that constitutes. I presume you have a full time job, right? I'd sure keep it.



People whose love for another HINGES on conditions, whether that be children or some unrealistic expectation in general? Have no ability to truly LOVE...You understand this, right? He's "missing a few" - not at all "normal" in this regard and you're setting yourself up FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, living with this type of man? Wow. You really don't think much of yourself, do you?



Children or not dear? There is a big wonderful world out there...Children need adoption, or if that isn't suitable? Travel is calling...Recreational interests and friends and networking yourself into a solid social living situation that can be most gratifying...Even volunteering or joining a church for support. But he's just Scrooge in a man's body who "can't see the forest for the trees". DO YOU REALLY LOVE THIS MAN? DO YOU REALLY SEE YOURSELF STAYING WITH SUCH A PERSON THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? Geez, just take a "gun and shoot me now" would be my verbal, less than serious response...He's taken away your HOPE for a REAL life! WHY have you ALLOWED him to do that???????????????????????????????????????????????????????



Grace (once again this morning? DISGUSTED)

Answer 4

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If you wait until you feel ready you could be waiting forever. Every parent I know wasn't sure if they were ready when they decided to try for a baby. Everything always works out for the best. I am positive that you will not at all regret having a baby no matter what is going on in your life. They bring so much joy to your life. And remember that getting pregnant can be a long process, just because you decide you want to have a baby doesn't mean it will happen right away, it could take a year or more. And as for things changing...Things did change between my husband & I after baby, but for the better, we are closer now and understand each other better, we have a different outlook on life. But ultimately it is your decison and you should do what you think is right, not only for yourself, but for your family. Best wishes in whatever you decide!

Answer 5

I'm hearing a lot in this about him and his feelings, but not a lot about you really. Should you feel hurt? Yes. And angry, taken for granted as well as hurt. Do you love him or have you resigned yourself to feel guilty about not being able to do something that is totally out of your control? Your problems aren't based on childbearing....it's the relationship at fault. Your husband has said things that should be waving a huge red flag in front of your face. It's never too late for you to make some hard decisions regarding your life and how you would be most happy. Your marriage might not be one of them. In your shoes I'd consult a lawyer regarding the will and any other questions regarding the marriage you might have. You own yourself at very least a legal consultation. If he should die first you have to make sure you're taken care of before other family members that weren't involved in 13 years of building the equity. All in all I'd be asking myself how to make my life more happy and full....and then quickly getting legal advice. Best of luck, I don't envy you this position.

Answer 6

You did the right thing by agreeing to it, although I don't think it's as significant as you think it is. It's probably just regular paperwork he's dealing with, naming beneficiaries is part of that, and he probably didn't put much thought into it.



Look into a secondary life insurance policy you can get on him that will protect you in case he passes away early. If he asks why, tell him that you don't want your niece and nephew feeling badly if you wind up struggling, and that you think it's something you both should do - he should get one on you too. It's not very expensive to carry this kind of insurance and it will help you feel more secure.

Answer 7

A person can leave his estate to whom ever he wishes even the family pet if he wants and give it a trustee you have no say. Really the wife doesn't immediately get everything when the husband passes this is just the way a will works. If his investments are more valuable than the insurance stop being so greedy he has the right to do whatever he wants he did not even have to ask you if you would mind.

Answer 8

If you're close with the nieces and nephews as you said why would it seem odd that he would want to provide for them as he would his children if he had any? It sounds like you both think of money far more than the state of your relationship, and that's sad.

Answer 9

I don't get it.....don't these nieces and nephews have a potential inheritance from their own parents?



Tell Hubby part of the reason to have life insurance is that the surviving spouse is not beggared by funeral expenses....so if he wishes to make them his beneficiaries, then they will have the responsibility to pay for his funeral with the life insurance policy......unless he expects you to cash out some of those investments...and that takes time...in the meantime, who pays for the funeral? Unless he doesn't want a funeral, just a quick cremation.....ask him that.

Answer 10

Perhaps he just wants to make sure when he passes that some family members that may need it, are helped also...and since you two don't have kids for him to leave his insurance to, he wants to leave it to his sibling's kids...



As long as you are well provided for, it shouldn't really matter all that much...would you be hurt if you two had kids of your own and he had them as his insurance beneficiary instead of you??? If not, then why be hurt if it's his brother or sister's kids???

Answer 11

There are thousands of young children who need to be adopted. That is the way to shape your family.

Answer 12

I think he is scheming. I would not agree to this.