married 8 years and sad?

Question

for a year now my wife and I have had a very rough road together. we seperated in april for 5 months. Over the time we fought and we progressivly began to talk and somewhat found one another. I started conseling in nov of last year and finnaly stoppped going a month ago. I belive I became a better person in this time. Since sachool has started my wife came home with our girls. But she leaves every weekend to stay with her mom. every weekend it feels like she is leaving me all over again. Last night she said to me that she is not In Love with me anymore and this just about crushed me. I have been trying so hard to do the right thing and wait but it is getting harder. Also I dont believe i can move on. We've been married for 8 years and together for 10. Is it as simple that she has lost the spark and cant get it back? she says she is tryingto find it but without results. I'm hurt and lost...

Answer 1

well... sad fact and moment and situation in your life but definitely that can surely happen.



A woman's love no matter how deep it is... even if he is the first man in her life... the one she considered "true one to love for always..." that can change and it can die especially if the man didn't respect her as a wife but used her as a slave during 7 year marriage - this really happened to me. Love can die especially if the lady's health is at stake. and Love and spark can truly die in marriage when only one side tries to make it work all the time but the other one won't even listen to what is right or at least have the decency to treat the other person as human being.



sorry to hear about this for you.



well... good luck.



the hurt will ease through time and years and you will learn to move on.

Answer 2

Hi Jim...this is heartbreaking to hear. It's the saddest thing when a family falls apart. It sounds like your wife cares for you but she has these feelings she can't help. Try to be patient & don't be mean to her..if anything can win her over it'll be your loving kindness. If not, it's not meant to be(sorry). I'd give her some space. Sometimes ppl don't know what they have til it's gone. She's wrong to leave you alone on weekends. After all, we choose a partner for companionship..not to be alone. Find something to do that interests you if she continues, and I don't mean cheating, just something to let her know you have a life not totally dependent on her. It may be that you'll have to move on or you'll both have a miserable life together. Even tho it's hard, I could not/would not live that way. In the end you may be stronger than u think. Time is truly the great healer.

It seems like these days ppl who have someone aren't happy with what they have & ppl alone r always looking.

Anyway, they say God won't put more on us than we can handle. I hope u have someone to talk to..a good friend or pastor. You're welcome to e-mail if u ever need someone to listen. Wish I can do more. You're in my thoughts and prayers. God bless...

Answer 3

Good for you for going to counselling but what abut her? Is she going? If not... you don't really have a lot of hope. Nothing will change if she doesn't do something to spark the change. As I've learned... you DO have to move along... its not easy though. And then again, love isn't a feeling... it's an actioin... sometimes you have to fore yourself to feel it and do it and live it. She needs to understand this.



Read this website and book and see how things go.

It's not a cure... but you may find strategies that work.



Also, tell your wife if she wants to go to her mom's - that's fine, but she needs to leave your children with you some times. Just because she doesn't want to stay married doesn't mean you still can't be a father to your kids and do things with them on the weekends.



Remember you can leave a marriage but you never leave the spouse if there are children. You MUST get along for the sake of what';s best for the kids. ALWAYS!



good luck

Answer 4

Jim,

I feel for you because I experienced the same thing and strangely enough, at the 8 year mark. What I found for me was that I allowed myself to play the victim instead of just being accountable. When I answered the hard questions like "what choices did I make that created this situation?" and "what kind of pressure do put on my wife by relying on her to create my happiness for me?" I found that before anyone else could love me I had to first love myself. When I finally knew and trusted who I am and why I'm here my relationship with my wife blossomed. A marriage is about two whole people loving and trusting each other unconditionally, not two half people NEEDING each other. You are hurting, I get that but when you say that you are "lost" that tells me that you have tied your own worth and identity to your wife placing enormous pressure on her to make you a whole person. Know that you are a powerful and whole person that came from a perfect creator and everything will be awesome!

Answer 5

I really feel for you. Did you do anything to her that has made her feel like this? If not,I guess some people really do fall out of love.(even if you did everything right)

I left my husband 9 moths ago because I couldn't take his drinking anymore,because it was starting to affect my daughters lives. I left him,and we both agreed that we would not get a divorce. I left for him to get better.

My point is,he ended up finding someone else and now they are having a baby. I feel your pain because we had been together for 10 years(married 4)and he found someone else so fast. We didn't even break up. How could he be in love with me but find someone else in a matter of months? I did everything I was supposed to as a wife and I still got screwed over.

I didn't know how I would get over him,but it just happens. Why waste your time with someone that doesn't even want to be with you? All I can say is if you end up moving on it will be hard in the begining but it does get better.

Good luck and if you ever want to email me you can!

Answer 6

You say YOU were in counseling, but were you BOTH in marriage counseling together? If not, you need to be.



I've been married for almost 20 years, and I don't buy the whole "I've lost the spark" arguement. There have been times in my marriage where my husband and I aren't as physically intimate as others--and I'm not just talking about when I was pregnant either. Marriage is hard, hard work. It takes alot of work to keep that love alive, even through the hard times. But it's also a team sport--you have to have both partners working equally hard to make the marriage work. It doesn't work with just 1 person putting forth all the effort.



Try marriage counseling with your wife. Good luck.

Answer 7

I think that you both should have had counseling instead of just you. It takes two to tangle. Don't tell me she tells you that she doesn't have problems with herself and doesn't need to change.



It doesn't seem like she is willing to work on the marriage because she is staying a distance from you. She can't see results because she doesn't stay at the home long enough to see that you have made some changes within yourself. Maybe she is staying away as well because she is also in denial and has her own problems to work on. With the way things are going now, she is not wanting to make things work and is thinking about herself rather than thinking how much this is hurting the girls and you.



You are the only one trying hard to make things work, she isn't putting an effort to do the same so that's why you are giving up on your marriage. She has given up already, but has not tried hard enough to keep you. Instead of her wanting to give up, she should have supported you in the beginning when you were meeting with a counselor. Marriage is being a team and working out the problems "together", not alone.



I believe if the girls and you are so important in her life, she still can have that spark in the marriage. She just needs to know how to get it back. I really don't think she is trying to find it, otherwise, she would be with you. Don't you think if she wanted to get results, she would do what it takes to get them?



I would consider you and her to read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands."



I really think that your marriage can be saved, only if you both want to save it, plus for the sake of your girls. Because they are the ones who will suffer the most if you two decide to divorce. I think that your wife needs to stop thinking about herself and start thinking about the whole family.



Your wife still loves you. If she didn't, she wouldn't be trying to find the spark, right? You see, both husband and wife need to show "Appreciation, Love, and Respect" for each other.



No need to keep feeling sad anymore. You need to start being positive about this. Otherwise, your girls will see that you are falling apart. Enthusiastic! Your girls need both parents in their life.



Do get those books and read them. It is important in your marriage. If she needs someone to talk to as well, I am here to help her. I wish the best for you both and never give up on your marriage. Your kids need you both!

Answer 8

That's so sad and I'm so sorry. People grow apart sometimes, and just because you're holding a torch doesn't necessarily mean she's going to be able to light the fire in it. It's commendable that you went through some counseling, but you should probably keep it up, and it would be good for her too I'm sure, but this sounds like a simple case of know when to quit. It's good that it hurts, that means you are genuinely attatched, but sadly, the only thing that will see you through this is time. Try not to be bitter, and keep the kids in mind. Do what is diplomatically appropriate for them, and all the luck in the world!

Answer 9

If she allready told you that she doesn't love you then lether go and be free..it will be hard but you can't live like that & can stay together for you kids.. Why do yo think she lives you with the kids on weekends and she goes with her "mom".. Didi you know if this is just an excuse to be out with friends or with some one else... 8 years is a long time but if there is no more love or thet sparkle then why be there?? Do it for you and for your kids move on have a life go out meet new people and time will relieve you from this..But is it up to you to be there and wait what happends, beg her to be with you or move on !! Good luck and best wishes :)

Answer 10

Take a deep breath......yes, the spark can go. I was married for 18yrs and recently divorced. I just didn't have that spark anymore. I was bitter and tired of fighting and not getting along. The smallest things would set me off. That was not fair to him or me. So, since then I have become a better person and I am not seething in anger and making my self physically sick anymore.

Let your self go, let her go. Hard, yes. But let yourself experience new people and things, go places you have never been or would go before.

Rediscover yourself, and you will be able to go on. You are different now, having been with one person for that amount of time, and this is one reason people loose the spark, they just change.

Good luck, and maybe seek somemore counseling, it is worth the venture!

Answer 11

You both should be seeking Christian counseling together not separately. If she is really trying as hard as she says to find the answer to this delima then she will go with you.

It takes two to make this happen. As I see it she is based her happiness on temporal things like emotions. As you are aware emotions are controlled by many different things from allergies,foods,caffeine,outside environment,hormonal imbalances.



See if she is truly willing to make this work. I would not on your part file for divorce then get stuck paying her alimony.



Meanwhile you are not wasting your time but looking for ways to improve the situation your in. Just keep the focus and look up to God for only God can change hearts and minds of those that you pray for.



Don't feel crushed over things she says either. Women can be so emotional and many times say things they don't mean. It is obvious she is confused by her waves of emotions like waves in the sea that come and go. Don't let it get you down.



Stay strong and let her see that you are stable and strong and don't let her see your weakness. She may use that to control you.

Answer 12

I'm sorry for your pain. But women usually stay through it all..the good the bad and the ugly. When she says she's done 9 times outta 10 she's done. I would re-evaluate what happened and learn from this experience. Obviously there was something going on for you to go to counseling and her to leave with your children and not want to work it out. What were the signs? There usually are several before a woman leaves. I think that you will get over it, you have to communicate with her for the sake of the children, and learn to move on. You will eventually, but it's gonna take time..best of luck.

Answer 13

wow i am so sorry for your loss. you sound like a great guy that has alot to offer a woman. but the hard reality is here she is in this realationship also. and if she can not be in it then she will not. if she leaves you every weekend to go to her moms then maybe it is all the better. you sound young enough to find someone else but maybe you should start counseling again and get a good lawyer. i wish you the best and i hope you find the woman of your dreams. but your wife seems to have fallen out of love and there is nothing you can do about that.

Answer 14

Hugggs and Kissesss :-)

I'm sorry to hear that. Well since you 2 have already been to counseling about your marriage try giving one another some space for awhile or just call her and you 2 make plans to have a talk about what lies ahead of you too. But if she still acts or replies that she is not in love anymore, I guess there's only 1 thing left to do is the big "D" But I wish you the Best and God Bless!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 15

Share that comment with her "every weekend it feels like she is leaving me all over again"



How does she feel about that, and ask her what she wants. How can you rekindle things for her. Communicate with the one you have been with for 10 yrs -- we-re just distant strangers who do not know the two of you.



I divorced after 10 years. Wow. About a year later you wonder why you didn't try to work things out --- especially with kids. Imagine being alone and only seeing your kids a fews days a month. Not what you wanted.

Answer 16

might be time to move on if she's feeling that way. You can't make her fall back in love with you. Just keep showing her you've made progress and maybe things would change. Have you two gone and done anything together, like a date without the kids? Take a weekend maybe and go somewhere together when she's ready.

Answer 17

Hi I went through a bad divorce 3 and1/2 years ago, we have 2 small kids toghether and I know it hurts. she mioved out of state with my kids and i had to fight and fight to get them back and have jt custody - nonetheless... I hurts and your world seems like it is caving in around you BUT dont let it.!!( I know easier said then done) let her know stats say that people who stick out a rough patch for 5 years will be more likely to have a happy marriage. But if she doesnt ---let her go and you move on. I have found several girlfriends-( rebounds) and now am Happily married to a wonderful woman with 2 new step sons and my relationship with the ex is so much better. It will all work it self out. Good Luck , from KY

Answer 18

How tragic for you all. Maybe you and just her should try to get away for a few days. Leave your girls with a relative and just focus on each other.

Try to be the people you were when you first met. Laugh, Talk, Touch and Love each other. Get away from the pressure of everyday life. Whist she is there; you still have a chance. x x Best of luck.

Answer 19

Jim I feel for your pain as this is one of the hardest things you will ever go Thur.Sometimes we wife's get stressed out and think we need to step off awhile and get our thoughts back together,I would not give up all hope yet though.When she;s around just tell her how much you miss her and tell her you wish you could work out this marriage.Maybe you could promise to go to counseling this time and keep going no matter what,,Don;t give up all hope either as men and women that get divorced live goodl happy lives and just get a little hobby to help keep your mind busy...Good luck friend and be patient ,,You;ll figure which way to go,,,,,

Answer 20

there is nothing worst than heartbreak, ((apart from death of course)) ts unreal. and my heart goes out to you it really does. i feel for you. if she is willing it can be reignited, but it may take months, it depends if she wants to or not. if she does, you can take the road slowly, by dating, without the kids, and try doing couple things together, getting to know each other all over again. but its a hard one to call. if she doesnt want to, i suggest she either has found someone else, or really does not see a future together. it is difficult raising kids with parents separate, but 2 unhappy adults together is difficult too. have an in deph heart to heart and see where you can move forward. good luck

Answer 21

Yes, that's sad and if he did that to you on purpose, he's a sad, mean, pathetic, petty, little person.I can't imagine that you've been in the family eight years and he doesn't know your name, c'mon, he's full of it, don't ya think, right? But you know what? Just let it go. What goes around comes around. Life is funny that way.

Answer 22

it sound like you did every thing you can do. it sound like you wife may have found someone else doing the time you the separation and having a hard time letting it go and giving you her all again. doing the separation she got use to having the freedom of going and coming when she feel like without having to answer to anyone. just be strong and try to move on with your life if she can't make the commitment to you again.

Answer 23

trust me let it go .build a life for yourself as a separate person

and involve your kids in your life they are the important ones.it may be wise to keep contact as little as possible with your wife may be collect the kids from a place like your mums or freind without seeing her.if you have tried then u have tried .you both will always hae to have some contact with eachother because of children u can not avoid that.but u can learn to live with it.you will feel hurt but its not about you or her its about the kids.stay freinds but keep it uncomplicated i.e guilt,blaming etc.carry on going to councilling if it has helped do not just abandon it because u feel better everyone needs some one to talk to.good luck

Answer 24

Ask her on a date, go to where you first went on your first date, re-create the scene.. you can try and make her fall for you again without being blatantly desperate. After the date, send her flowers at her work the next day. Call her after you know the flowers have arrived, then tell her you`ve ben thinking about her all day.

Use your imagination, but hold on loosely.

Good luck.

Answer 25

What can you say or do? This sorta thing seems to be the rule rather than the exception anymore. I don't even know why people bother getting married these days when most marriages seldom last more than a few years...

Answer 26

Maybe, she needs to go to counseling now.



Either way, unless something changes in the next 6 months, I would look into getting a divorce. It's not fair to you or the children that she's being so wishy washy about everything.



You deserve better...and you can move on.

Answer 27

This may not be what you want tgo hear but it is best to just let her go and make a wonderful life with your girls. My husband of seven years told me he was gay afew months ago. It is hard, we all wonder why, and we will all wake up in the morning, feel the sun on our faces and tell oursevles that to day it will get better.

Answer 28

I am sorry that you are going through this, man. Though this may seem like a radical and/or difficult suggestion you can try it if you would like. I would try to give myself to her selflessly and continue to try to lavish your love on her. It would be really hard to do this when you are hurting like you are, but sometimes when we completly pour out our love on another person we end up being filled back up (as well as that person feeling loved). I don't know if you are a praying man, but God is there and ready to help you if you ask. I will be praying for you (if that is okay with you).

Answer 29

You can't change the way someone feels. It will hurt becasue you spent a lot of time together and have kids with her, but if it isn't working let her go. Love means letting the other person be happy.

Answer 30

im so sorry to hear that,i honestly dont know what to say except i think you should try and find someone you can talk to regarding the pain your feeling,if your a christian or believe that god provides people to help in that area of life and marrige etc.then a church would be the best place i feel that can provide you with a pastor and a spiritual guidance councellor. baptist churches do this for example.

Answer 31

hang in their mate, gets worse before it gets better, she still loves you (she wont admit it) but talk to her .. can you understand that? TALK TO HER .. not about the kids, life others just about the two of you

I blew it big time after 26 years of marriage and now 15 years later there isn't a day goes by that I don't miss her and think of her .. so at the risk of being repetitive ..



TALK TO HER

Answer 32

Jim, don't be around her all the time! They say "absence makes the heart grow fonder" It's true! Your attitude of hanging around and moping for what use to be, is pissing her off! get out and find life once more! It's still there! Have a great day.

Answer 33

you are a catch you should tell her I said so! become confident and dont chase her too much give her gifts tell her she is pretty hug her be with her ect...then it is up to her....learn to ride a motorcycle do some daring stuff like men do and she may take notice....who knows just be ok with you and know you are doing your best. a kind word turns away wrath....dont fight let it go. what first attracted the two of you? think on that

Answer 34

honey do you love her or is she just a habit you cant break? She is doing all but sending you a dear john letter, "She leaves every weekend to stay with her mom." You are doing yourself no favors and your girls no favors, it would be best for them to be on strong footing, and if that entails 2 house holds it just does..

Answer 35

Ouch...I really feel for you. Maybe you should start looking for someone who will be able to reciprocate your feelings. It is not fair to you to wait for someone who does not have feelings for you anymore. Although this is very sad and difficult...think of the good times and give yourself a chance to be happy again.

Answer 36

Try to express your feelings, therefore she will know. But do it without showing any weakness, just be determined, clear, concise and straight to the point.



Try to organize something just for you and her, something unexpected, and don't show that you are expected something from the time you spend with her.



Just be serene and detached.



I hope it will be better...

Answer 37

If the two of you really want to stay together, go see a marriage counselor. Good luck.

Answer 38

I really don"t know what underlying problems you both have. Try courting her again, like during the times when you were dating that made her fall for you. Try to relive those moments with her. You have kids, so try to stay together.

Answer 39

awe..well maybe your wife needs to realize that you really do love her...maybe she is upset cause maybe she thinks that you dont love her ne more...try doing something to romantic..do something that you two havent done in a really long time..it might remember her of old times when you guys were younger and love was a newer thing....you never know..goood luck

Answer 40

actually where i live 8 yrs married is a record but then scottish women like their men hard

Answer 41

She is only saying that just to let you feel bad. Cause in one second of 8 years you can't say I don't love you. She accept you to be the one on your life and it doesn't go away that love only need water the flower with flirting, go out again in restaurants, this make the flower wakes up, cause it was sleeping and let it grow. But please return to your counseling both of you.

Answer 42

I am sorry you are sad, you should try to move on and be a good dad to your kids.

Answer 43

i think that she find another man and she think that u not her lover charmer anymore, but she still got some feeling for u, and hope u would undestand that she found another charmer.

Answer 44

usually marriage fail for 2 reason



1, u try to change the person

2. she need place.



let her do what she wants, and she will come back.



she need a break from you, she is not your mom .go on week end with your friend, and see!

Answer 45

either...

1. let it go

2. beg her

3. make her happy