Is my husband's behavior fair towards me?

Question

Ok I do not work, my husband works and makes enough money to pay rent bills and even buy himself what ever he likes, which I think is ok since he is the one working. But this are some of the things that make me mad tell me if I am wrong and how I could fix it, any adv if appreciated. Ok I clean the house really nice and then he gets home and he thows his clothes in the kitchen, I ask him to please leave it on the dirty clothes he gets mad and says that is what I am here for, on next He spills soda or something on the floor I just mopped and I tell him omg I just cleaned. and he says why is it so hard to clean after me! At this point I am so annoyed, or if I just mopped, he desides to walk all over the wet spot when he can avoid it but he leaves it dirty again so here I go again have to re do it. next By the time it is bed time I am exausted I go pick up the kids from school, take the oldest (9yr old) to his katate class, then play with my 3 yrs old help him read his books and just spend time with him, and at night I just wanna go to bed. wrong it doesn't matter if I wanna go to sleep, I am in the room about to fall asleep, and he walks in and turns the light on and the tv on on the highest volume setting no kiddign the highest. I tell him please at least turn it down I need to sleep, then says well you don't work it doesn't matter if you sleep. so I deside to go to the leaving room, and the house is not that big that I still can hear the tv like if it was in the leaving room. Ok we have two kids one form his previous relationship (he has full custody_ and ours together, and I do not have anybody that can help me watch them to work, resnt is only 350 a month and he gets paid like around 1500 by weekly, it is not an emergency that I have to work, any time I had tried the kids are a mess the 3 yrs old gets hurt he doesn't know how cuz he wasn't even watching him he was playing his vdo game and the 9 yrs old was in charge. ok see I don't feel they are safe if I am out. o yeah and he is letting his older brother who is 35 yrs old stay at our house rent free eventhouh he has a job as a manager and gets paid good money, and his brother is always talking sh** why I don't work to pau bills which like I mention it is not urgent. and his brother drinks and drinks till he pees my 9 yrs old bed and leaves beer bottles all over the house, when he leaves for work the house is trashed, but he doesn't dare ask him for money for staying here and taking over my 9 yr old son, he doesn't dare asking him to pick up his mess cuz then his brother gets so upset, cuz he says she is a manager and he is the one that gives orders at work. so he makes the 9 yrs old pick up his sh**, so what is your guy's opinion I am 25 yrs old and he is 27, we have been married for 6 yrs. is it true I don't deserve to even take a nap cuz I don't work, is it true I don't deserve to go to sleep at night till he wants me too, is it true I have to clean up after him ( my 3 yr old and my (yrs old are really clean they don't make any mess, they actually clean up, and when they are done with toys I don't even need to tell them to put them away when they are done. I feel so tired all the time.

Answer 1

Your husband is a slob, and his brother is an even bigger one. Taking care of a home and 2 children is a full time job. It is not your duty to handle everything in the home. You don't owe it to him or his brother. As for taking a nap, if you need one take one, after all he is deciding your bedtime and if you get tired during the day because he kept you up to late then so be it. The biggest problem I have in reading this is the brother. If he drinks and pees the bed and leaves beer bottles all over your 9 year old's room, why do you allow him there? I wouldn't want a nasty drunken sot like that around my children for any reason. I would definately put my foot down. I would tell him that things are going to change or I'm out of here. You are his wife not his dog or his slave. Just because he provides doesn't mean he makes all of the rules. You are a human and deserve to be treated as such.

Answer 2

First of all, your question is misleading. You are talking about a step-son, not a son-in-law, which is completely different. This is definitely something that should have been discussed more in depth and resolved better before the marriage, but since it wasn't, you are stuck with trying to deal with it afterward. You don't say what the situation is with your son's bio dad, and whether or not he is in his life at all. Nor do I really have a complete picture of the rest of your relationship--how long you knew this guy beforehand, whether or not he has been married before, has other children, etc. It sounds like you guys are in serious need of some marital counseling for the sake of everyone, especially your son. I don't know that you will be able to convince your husband of this, but if he truly loves you and wants your relationship to work, he should be willing to at least make an effort to develop some sort of role in your son's life since he is young and he will be with you for quite some time. Yes, I suppose a time line might be one way to approach the change you are asking and expecting him to make. I would also suggest that you start thinking about what you will do or won't do if he isn't at all willing to work with you on this. What are your options? Do NOT put your son's well-being at risk for the sake of this relationship, but at the same time, don't make a rash decision that will make you emotionally and financially unstable either, since that won't help you parent him either. Good luck--you are in a tough spot!

Answer 3

Yes he is being unfair to you. Yes he is the bread winner and after a long day at work doesn't want to clean up after himself, but that is part of being an adult. If he isn't even doing the simple stuff ( putting the clothes in the hamper, cleaning up a spilled soda are simple) and makes you do it then he just plain doesn't respect you. Add on to that he doesn't respect you by turning down the TV at night when you request it then that just adds to my thought of him not respecting you. You may need some marriage counseling. Or a role reversal for a week or two, next time he has vacation time have him do what you do, while you just go away each day during work hours. Unfortunately for you I doubt he even would be open to that.

Answer 4

you're in an awful situation. your husband views you as a maid or servant,

and he is not considerate at all of the work you do around the house.

being a fulltime mom and housekeeper is work all of the time. You don't

just work 8 hours and get the rest of the day off. and no weekends off either.

so you are actually working more than your husband, unfortunately he won't

see it that way. what a mess our society is over the roles of men and women.

Have you got some good girlfriends? It might help to stay with a girlfriend

a couple nights a week, just to get out keep your head cool. Call them girls'

nights out or whatever (but bring the kids with you) or go to your mother's if she

lives close by. I'm assuming you want to stay in this relationship for now,

but the time may come that you will want to leave him, which will be complicated

since one kid is his from a previous relationship. You may also consider

some individual counseling, not couples counseling, that generaly makes things

worse in situations such as yours. HTH

Answer 5

After reading and evaluating this and other questions posted by you the only reason you stay with him is an obvious fear of the unknown, the desire to cultivate and further a dysfunctional relationship and perhaps a fear of reprisal if you leave. Your marriage is unhealthy, your husband is controlling and your children will grow up with a confused sense of right and wrong emulating what they've seen and heard in just the time that you've allowed this pathetic mess to go on. Since you won't leave him keep dealing with this circus but realize if you don't heed peoples warnings you will soon suffer depression and anxiety attacks that could become unbearable. Life is too short to deal with him screwing with your life but it's unforgivable to allow children to see and hear what goes on in this circus of a lifestyle.

Answer 6

You know you deserve better and that's why your writing this but no matter how many people come on here and tell you you deserve better your not going to get it until you do something about it. Put your foot down and tell him how you feel. If he doesn't want to work things out then you don't deserve to live a miserable life because he says so.

Answer 7

Wow.



Your husband needs a wakeup call. You are asking "Is it true, I don't even deserve a nap?" That is a ridiculous question - if you need a nap, then you need a nap, no questions asked. He is treating you like a dog, intentionally making your life difficult b/c he feels that your life is inferior to his - I feel for you - I can't even fathom how hard it must be for you to have a husband with such a superiority complex, who thinks that your job as a stay-at-home mom is worthless!



My wife and I are both 26 years old. We've been married 4 1/2 years. She just quit working to become a stay at home wife/mom, although our first child is actually due in two weeks, so no mother duties yet.



My wife and i have sat down together, and talked face-to-face to come to an agreement on our perspective on life. We have decided that at least for now, my role as husband and father is to go to work and earn money so that our family can be healthy. This is an act of both love and duty on my part, especially considering I'm not really wild about my job. My wife agrees, and she appreciates that I go to work every day.



My wife's role, at least for now, is to stay at home and do the things that you are talking about - the things that you do at home. My view is that her role is equally - if not more - important than mine. Her staying at home and keeping a loving home with kids who are fun and well-learned... This is a task for her that is an act of both love and duty. And I respect this "full time job" that she has. Her job will be difficult when the baby is born in two weeks. In fact, her job will be tougher than mine. I am earning the money, but the money belongs to both of us, since we are both working faithfully for the better goal of having a family that is raised in health and happiness. We just have different roles that work together to accomplish the goal - neither role is more important or more deserving of money/respect than the other.



If my wife needs quiet so that she can sleep, that is what she gets. I trust that her needs are legitimate, since we are open and honest with one another. She is the greatest object of my affection on this planet, and it is my job to be concerned and willing when she has needs. If she needs help with the kids someday, then I will change jobs so that I can be with them. Or we will move closer to family or something.



Bottom line: Take courage that your job as a stay-at-home mom is extremely valuable, whether your husband realizes it or not. Know that your work - your "full-time job" - is a noble job, and there is not enough money in the world that could pay you for a job well done. God in heaven sees your work, and if you are working for Him ultimately, he is proud of you.

You need to have a sit-down talk with your husband. Organize your thoughts on paper, and make sure that you start off by telling him that you respect his faithfulness in going to work every day. He will not love you unless he has your resepct.



p.s. The brother-in-law situation is another problem altogether. Tackle first things first - talk to your husband about his unloving attitude toward the difficult job that you face each day.



Please contact me if you need additional help.

Answer 8

If both your husband and his brother are doing full time jobs and your kids pick up after themselves, how does your little apartment get so messy that tires you?



Your husband's bro needs to go. Never mind the slob aspect of him, I don't see how you could have a married private life with your husband. if there is one more DUDE in the house.

Answer 9

OMG the guy is a BA**ARD! File for divorce and you'll get alimony and child support. You definitely do NOT need to put up with his ridiculous behavior and especially the brother living there rent free...uh no way!! Stand up for yourself and get out of that hellish situation. Just reading your story makes me want to tell BOTH of those jerks off!

Answer 10

Although I think that doing the housework while he works is a fair exchange, your husband is taking advantage of you. This is not fair at all, especially where his brother is concerned. Unfortunately, I can't think of anything that could help you at the moment, but if he keeps working you this hard, you might have a breakdown or worse.

Answer 11

maybe u should tell him that u would like to switch places with him... like he stays home and cleans, and you will go to his work (if it is OK with his boss, if not, then see if you could do something else for like 2, or 3 days), or maybe u could try getting a part-tie job good luck!! :)

Answer 12

i cant understand what you are saying, and its your duty toward this and about your husband he needs growing up