What would you do in this situation?

Question

My husband and I have been together for over 3 years and married for a little over a year. He farms and I am a full time nurse. I moved 7 hours away from my family and friends to be with him. And that was not an issue for me because he was my lover and friend and I believe the most important person in your life should be your spouse, the one you do everything with.
My husband farms in a partnership with his parents, a partial owner. And before marriage we spent time together. Being a farmer you work some late hours, especially in the summer time with field work. I knew this and was willing to make sacrifices. But I was always promised time in the winter to spend time together when he would be home at earlier times. It is a RARE occasion if he is home before 10 and is never home before 9. Many nights its after midnight. This past week he asked (because he was home before 10) if after "I spend some time with you can I go out with my friend?" Mind you we have not been on a date since October and as I mentioned before, we don't see each other at all anyway.
We have had many issues. He has never been in a long term relationship before me, so there was much to work out. He had NO communication skills or sexual experience. Both have come a long way, but nave a long way to go. He also has been caught on many porn and dating sites, none as of the last 6 months or so, but when I confronted him about it, he would always lie. Which lead to his compulsive lying. I can not even count the numerous times he has lied to me. About things big and small. And when I would catch him in a lie, he would continue to lie, even when I knew the truth. We have gone several days without speaking because he would not admit the truth to me. After we were married I caught him texting a girl 8 years younger than him asking what kind of underwear she was wearing and when she wanted to go skinny dipping with him. Mind you he has never said things like that to me, even while dating.
As far as in the bedroom, I do not deprive him. But when he doesn't come home until after midnight and I have to be up at 4am for work, I'm not all that excited or aroused to wake up and have so little sleep to work a 12 hour shift on. The fact is that we have many issues.
We have gone to marriage counseling and since my husband can NEVER be on time for anything, we always drove separately and he was lucky to make it to half of the session. The counselor didn't have much positive to say. And my husband didn't want to go anymore because he didn't believe it was helping and he didn't like how she said everything was his fault. (His words) I thought it helped and I could see small changes in him. But I can see spending that kind of money and putting time into something when he is only giving half of what you are. I am not claiming to be perfect, but I have been in many LONG term relationships and I do have an idea of what works and what doesn't. ANd our major problem is that we have no time together. He has promised this will change and it hasn't
He has no drive to get up in the morning and would sleep have the afternoon if I didn't drag him out of bed (his parents are very much the same) and being a farmer, you should be up early!!
But here is my main concern... I am now 10 weeks pregnant. I am scared to death. My family and support are over 7 hours away and at the rate we are going, if I stay married to him I will be a single mother working a full time job and raising an infant alone, because he doesn't have time for me, how will he have time for a child? I am so hurt and torn. I never wanted it to be like this. I feel like I have tried everything and nothing is working. I will never be his priority. I have talked to him on several occasions and nothing has changed. The more I think about it, I don't think he was ready for marriage and I did not push for it at all, he was actually the one pushing and I really don't understand why. I am looking for any advice. I am really between a rock and a hard spot. Please help.

Answer 1

I'm very sorry for what you're going through. Honestly there isn't much advice to give. You already tried marriage counseling and that didn't seem to help a whole lot. He sounds very immature and he is also a cheater. Let's face it..asking women to go skinny dipping and going on dating sites..He seems to have time for that though right... Honey, I'm sorry to say but it just sounds to me that this marriage is over. You and your baby deserve better. Why stay in a loveless marriage? It doesn't seem like he is going to change or even wants to for that matter. Maybe try talking to him and let him know if things don't start changing you're leaving him. And as far as being a single mother, woman do it every day and so can you. Just pray about it and allow God to help you through this difficult time. He can comfort you in a way no one else can. I wish you the best, dear.

Answer 2

You sound like the person who bought property next to the junk yard, built a house and now are complaining about the junk yard. You knew he was a farmer with long hours when you started this relationship. Now when he has to maintain his job you complain. You say he tells lies about who he contacts on the computer and about what he says. You might be right but why are you snooping and going behind his back. If someone was telling me everything was my fault about everything I'd stay away from that person too counselor or not or both. Fact is the situation is for grownups and you haven't made the grade yet so you're going to make him suffer for it by taking away his unborn child. You should be ashamed. I was and still am a farmer just not to the extent of years ago and yes in the off season I like to sleep late sometimes. Months of 2 to 3 hours of sleep per night tends to drive one to an early grave compound that with an unappreciative +++++ for a wife and it will kill a good man. I'll give you credit for one thing, you're good at condemning someone.

Answer 3

u re married, he has some sort of an income, u do not need to suffer - quit the job, enjoy pregnancy, then your baby being a toddler (no normal woman would work during that time - the most precious time in both of your lives), and afterwards see what u will do. u can not do anything right now anyway - u re pregnant, why put a strain on yourself and a future baby? try think positive, u re not spending time with him now when u re married, as well as u won't be spending time with him if u leave him. so why suffer? what re u trying to prove and to whom? certainly he is not into u at all, he got married because all men should get married (especially farmers) and produce off springs to take care of things when he gets old. there is no undying love between u and him, so whether u stay or leave won't have such a dramatic effect on him. it will put a strain on u thou. so take the things as they re now, accept them cos u can not change them now, and when your child is at least 3 years old - then u get your job and move out and start life again. do not forget to rip him off on child support. congratulations on being pregnant. getting a baby is the best thing in anyone's life.



just one more thing i would like to add: when i was pregnant i had to live in apartment (now i live in my own house), so i would kill to live on a farm or at least in own house when i was pregnant. so many women would change places with u - u have a provider and a shelter. and a private one! show more gratefulness to your fortune. because things could be much, much, much worse than the husband not spending time with u.

Answer 4

Read your summary several times. You are married to a farmer who has not had time for you in the past year when crops were not being planted/harvested. Farmers usually work from sunrise to sunset. He comes home later than sunset and sleeps past sunrise.You report he has constantly lied to you, watched pono sites, contacted a female who is 8 years younger with desire to take her skinny dipping.He refused to participate in marriage couseling. You have been working a full time job as a nurse 12 hour shifts. You moved 7 hours from the support of your family/friends; therefore, you are isolated from your support system. You are pregnant with your 1st child.



Counseling should continue for YOU to help you deal with "your" separation from your husband and help improve your self esteem. Your support system with family/ friends is very important. You are asking permission from others to do what you know is best for you and your child. You are a very smart woman who has a nursing degree who can provide for the needs of yourself and your child. None of us like to make a decision to leave a marriage especially if you are in love with your husband.You never stated you loved your husband. Also, you want to have a family for your child. Presently, your husband has other issue he is dealing with beside interest of a husband/father. This is just a personal opinion. You have to weigh all the issues. You do what is best for you and your child. It does not matter what "others" think or say. Good luck.

Answer 5

Absence makes the heart grow fonder!! You sound as if you haven't really given completely up on your marriage and that's great! You say your husband isn't ready for marriage so the true test to find this out is to distance or separate your self from him. Start small and then go from there. Go visit your family for a week or so if your job allows. Or better yet tell your husband you need a break and you want to take a vacation on your own. Check into a hotel and see how long will it take for your husband to call you asking when you are coming home and even when he does don't be so quick to return home. The object is let him know what it will feel like to be without you. Right now he knows your gonna be there when he gets home and people take norm for granted.

Answer 6

Go back home where your parents and friends are. Those are the people you never want to be distant from. They will help you with everything

Answer 7

It sounds harsh, but honestly I would move back home where you have family and friends who love you. He can follow suit or he can stick it!