You should wait at least six weeks.. this gives your BODY time to heal.. especially if you delivered VAGINALLY. IF you had an episiotomy then you stand a chance of tearing out your stitches. But then that is my view and I am not a doc.. just a mom of four..
***The issue of postnatal sex is complicated by, among other factors, the reality that it is a taboo subject.
Asked what they felt was the right moment to resume sex after giving birth, young mothers had diverse answers.
Some said two months is the norm.
Others said four months. For others, it varies among individuals.
What then makes resuming sex such a difficult task for many new mothers?
Among the reasons given are pain during sex, unexplained aversion to sexual contact, and fatigue from paying full attention to a helpless infant.
Also complicating this sensitive topic is that most couples, especially new parents, may have harboured romantic but unrealistic expectations regarding the timing of postnatal sex. With the arrival of the newborn, the mother undergoes an unforeseen, but very real, sexual system crash.
On his part, the man impatiently stays on the lookout for external signs that his woman may have recovered and is ready to resume intimacy.
He practically monitors her energy levels: How active is she around the house?
Is she dancing again to FM radio music? And is she exuberantly calling her friends to arrange for that Sunday afternoon chat?
Whatever information the man gathers is presumed to be evidence that his partner is ready — at least until he approaches her for sex! One aggrieved new father had this to say about his supposedly neglectful wife: "This is a person who is unwilling to talk to me.
This is a person who fails to realise that we will be together long after our child has grown up and departed. Is she committed to our marriage?"
In a way, the man is right, at least judging from his evidence, and the cold response he gets from his partner.
If only the woman could share with him what she is going through! If only this well-meaning guy could realise his presumed evidence is faulty!
Unknown to both parties, many forces are in operation. Physically, the woman’s body is seriously battered.
Remember she has been carrying a weight, and there is the pulling and stretching and tearing to consider.
Besides, she may be in pain, which can be excruciating during sex, especially at the site of an episiotomy.
Gynaecologists have often discovered complications beneath what was assumed to be a healed wound.
Again, the surgical operation (if any was done) may have been badly carried out, in which case repeat surgery may be necessary.
Even with C-sections, one must not forget the impact of the incisions, and a disturbed bodily environment.
Hormones also do their share of damage.
Given that our bodies are biochemical systems, what we call thinking and feeling are largely chemical processes.
In the jungle of hormones (both those known and those yet to be discovered), two hormones might serve to illustrate. Endocrinologists (hormone experts) and gynaecologists explain that, following birth, the levels of the sex hormone oestrogen drop drastically, temporarily lending a major blow to the woman’s sexual functioning.
Worse still, the body gets flooded with the hormone, prolactin, which not only initiates and maintains milk production, but also kills the woman’s sexual desire.
On the psychological end, there is a turbulent disruption in the balance of the woman’s normal personality.
On top of her hormonal and physical changes (the latter which inevitably affect her body image) she may be anxious about the onerous responsibilities ahead.
Many men have commented that their woman "is not herself" during these trying moments.
How the woman responds is mainly mediated by her basic personality.
Some women sulk.
Some appear self-centred. Others may be confrontational and difficult to deal with.
Do not forget that you the woman are only half the equation. With the disturbances in the female partner come reactionary changes in the man.
Often, men defensively take things personally: "So she is rejecting me!" "So she thinks I am no longer sexually appealing!"
"And who is this man who is now taking her out?" Meanwhile, the woman is too preoccupied to show genuine concern.
Depending on how the man interprets the situation, relations between he and his woman can progressively worsen, sometimes getting to the point of no return.
Research strongly indicates that men and their women may be victims of evolution.
Coded into our genes is nature’s command that we procreate.
The catch is that this command comes in a disguised form: We desire sex.
We pursue potential mates. We feel good about taking great care of our children.
For new parents, nature’s decree that we procreate can be problematic: the woman must nurture her young one, often to the exclusion of everyone else — Lord have mercy on her miserable man!
What she fails to realise is that she can give some attention to her man without contravening nature’s laws.
On his part, the man is wired differently; unaware that he too is a robot of nature, the poor male wants to procreate every other minute.
Rather ignorantly, he continues to crave sex and excess companionship from a woman who must obey nature by focusing on her child.
The bloke fails to realise that now is not the time to make babies but time to nurture those already born.
How then do we resolve the impasse?
The woman must realise that it is not so much the abstinence that alienates her man but his feelings of being rejected.
Paradoxically, feelings of sexual alienation can so focus a man’s attention to sex that he is unable to think about anything else.
As he looks at you in bed suckling the little one, all he needs to know is that you, the infant (and the nappies) are truly his.
If for whatever reason your man can’t have you, yet, take the time to let him know why.
You also need to involve him in the search for practical solutions.
Remember, if sex still hurts several months after birth, you need to consult a doctor.
And do not be afraid to seek one expert opinion after another until you have been helped. http://www.eastandard.net/mags/instinct/articles.php?articleid=34619\
Women's sexual function is a complex integrated phenomenon that reflects both her psychological sociocultural, interpersonal influences as well as her biologic influences including the health of her gynecologic, urologic, endocrinologic, cardiovascular and central and peripheral nervous systems. If a woman has a sexual dysfunction that causes personal distress, she has the right to appropriate holistic (biologic and organic) sexual health management. At the Institute for Sexual Medicine at Boston University School of Medicine, we have evaluated over 1200 women for psychologic and biologic concerns with sexual dysfunction since 1998. One of the most common complaints has been persistent or consistent sexual dysfunction since childbirth. Post-childbirth sexual complaints include: loss of desire, decreased frequency of sexual activity, painful intercourse, diminished sexual responsiveness, difficulty achieving orgasm, decreased genital sensation, decreased genital arousal and new onset pudendal neuropathy (associated with a forceps delivery).
While there are limited data on the topic, a recent 2002 publication in the International Journal of Gynecology and Obstetrics was entitled Sexual function after childbirth in Nigerian women by Dr's Oboro and Tabowei. The study examined the post-natal sexual health of Nigerian women via self-administered questionnaire in a longitudinal survey at 6 weeks, 3 months and 6 months following childbirth in 122 married Nigerian women who were primiparas (first time delivery). Responders to survey (48%) did not differ from non-responders to survey with regards to demographic characteristics. The pattern of sexual intercourse was significantly (P<0.001) altered by childbirth. There was a decrease in coital frequency reported in 77% of women. There was a diminished sexual satisfaction in 37%. There was an increase in sexual dysfunction (47% post-natally vs. 21% pre-natally). Multiple sexual problems were present in 95% of the women at 6 weeks post-partum, 74% at 3 months post-partum, and 51% at 6 months post-partum. At 6 months, the sexual problems of 102 respondents included: loss of sexual desire (27%), painful penetration (21%), painful intercourse (19%), difficulty achieving orgasm (15%), lack of vaginal lubrication (13%), vaginal tightness (11%), Lack of vaginal muscle tone (10%) and irritation or bleeding after sex (6%). Compared with women who did not have, women who had instrumental vaginal delivery were more likely to experience dyspareunia at 3 months post-partum (Yes - 59%, No - 35%). Compared with women who did not have, women who had perineal trauma during pregnancy were more likely to experience dyspareunia at 3 months post-partum (Yes - 42%, No - 22%). Compared with women who did not have, women who had pre-pregnancy dyspareunia were more likely to experience dyspareunia at 3 months post-partum (Yes - 73%, No - 27%).
One possible biologic explanation for the high prevalence of sexual dysfunction after childbirth relates to consistent and persistent sex steroid hormonal changes, especially in androgens, which have been found in the mother after the childbirth. Recent research has shown that sex steroids are critical for sexual activity. Based on animal research, sex steroid hormone deficiency states are associated with atrophy of the clitoris and vagina, changes in the androgen and estrogen receptors, diminished ability to relax vaginal smooth muscle and diminished vaginal blood flow and lubrication. One hypothesized action of how sex steroids improve function in the genitals is to activate transcription in the cell nucleus and increase protein synthesis. The sex steroid induced proteins include growth factors which maintain genital smoothy muscle, nerve and blood vessel tissue health.
Guay and colleagues studied the sex steroid blood levels of women with and without sexual dysfunction. Statistically different differences in several precursor sex steroid adrenal hormones were observed. They postulated that in women with sexual dysfunction certain critical adrenal enzymes involved in sex steroid synthesis become inactive for unknown reasons. It is hypothesized that in particular the enzyme 17-20 lyase enzyme becomes inactive after childbirth for unknown reasons. It has been shown that progesterone, which is dramatically elevated during pregnancy, acts to inhibit this enzyme.
In women with sexual dysfunction (including after childbirth), the first management strategy is to undergo "identification of the sexual dysfunction" by psychologic interview, history (medical, sexual and psychosocial), physical examination, genital sensory and blood flow testing and blood testing. The next management strategy is to undergo "education" of the patient (and the partner) by reviewing the initial psychologic and biologic findings, educating the patient (and the partner) as to anatomy, physiology and pathophysiology. The first treatment strategy is to undergo "modification of reversible factors" by sexual therapy, medication changes, hormone therapy, lifestyle change and corrective surgery as indicated and when appropriate. The second treatment strategy is to undergo "first-line therapy" by vacuum clitoris device, oral and/or topical vasodilator therapy.
One key diagnostic strategy for women with sexual dysfunction after childbirth has been to record sex steroid blood levels. If sex steroid levels are abnormal, based on symptoms and needs, individualized hormone therapy with dehydroepiandrosterone, androstenedione or testosterone may be indicated as treatment. Follow-up blood tests every 3 months are suggested. This approach is standard with other endocrinologic hormones such as thyroid hormone, but it has not been applied to sex hormones until recently. A woman should only take what sex steroids she needs at the lowest dose to maintain the "optimal" level of hormones in her body.
In summary, sexual problems in women are highly prevalent, frequently distressing, and poorly understood at present. This is especially true for women with sexual dysfunction after childbirth. The causes and treatment of sexual dysfunction in women has been a topic of academic concern for more than half a century. There is much research needed. There has been a long history of neglect of sexual problems generally in medicine, especially the current lack of knowledge about causes and treatment of sexual dysfunction in women. What appear to be needed are more integrative (psychologic and biologic) therapies.http://www.bumc.bu.edu/Dept/Content.aspx?DepartmentID=371&PageID=7387
For many years, obstetricians told their patients not to have intercourse for six weeks after delivery, though I'm not sure where that old rule came from.
There really is no exact timing on resuming sex. I doubt that most women would be comfortable, no matter how easy the delivery was, for at least two weeks. But by then, two weeks postpartum, the uterus has shrunk down to about the size of a three-month pregnancy, and the cervix has closed. So for many women, it would be safe to have intercourse at two weeks. Certainly by four weeks, you are almost back to normal and would most likely feel comfortable.
Just remember, though, to always use some form of contraception if you do not want to become pregnant again right away. Babies can be born nine months apart. Breastfeeding decreases, but does not prevent, fertility. One of my favorite midwives used to tell our patients, "You see those two oldest boys of mine? Ten months apart."
The periodlike discharge from the uterus that occurs after delivery is called lochia, and it can last up to six weeks postpartum. A menstrual period can occur four weeks after delivery, so sometimes you can bleed up until the period actually begins. The uterine discharge usually lessens with time, so that you should be able to tell when the true period begins.
Periods may be delayed until six months after you finish breast feeding, so the time varies as far as when to expect normal periods. Just remember to use contraception during intercourse if you don't want to become pregnant. Also, breastfeeding can actually decrease your ovaries' normal estrogen production, and as a result, you may experience vaginal dryness. Lubricants, as well as topical vaginal estrogen creams, can be very helpful.
http://www.prevention.com/article/0,5778,s2-6-93-195-2738-1,00.html
Today, the search for information about sexuality during the post-childbirth period becomes more and more frequent. This issue is usually brought to the doctor’s office along with fears, myths and doubts, which end up by increasing the couple’s anxiety.
According to most clinicians, the woman is able to have vaginal intercourse again one month after childbirth. That’s because at the moment of the labor a small cut at the opening of vagina (episiotomy) is made, to make the passage of the baby easier, which is sutured right after birth. The entire process of recovering takes about two weeks.
Most obstetricians agree that intercourse should be avoided during these first two weeks, to prevent an eventual rupture of the sutures, infections, bleeding and pain. After the first two weeks, although the process of recovering is almost finished, many women had reported stories of extreme pain and discomfort. Thus, clinicians usually recommend abstinence until the occasion of a post-birth exam, which is performed thirty days after childbirth, when a physical exam is executed, as well as family planning, when the couple is about to choose a birth control method. Same procedures are taken in case of having a baby by the cesarean method. Moreover, it’s noticed that many women lose their interest for sex during the first two or three months and then start to show sexual desire again. This new stage in the life of the couple is very delicate, and it’s worth a lot of attention and understanding.
The woman naturally has her attention and concern focused on her baby. Her daily routine is changed. She now tends to dedicate all of her time to the newly born toddler: feeding him/her, cleansing him/her, taking care of him/her, most of the time she even leaves aside taking care of herself. So she ends up by dedicating a very short time to her partner too, who’s basically also stunned with the arrival of the newest family member, but soon he starts to show interest in retaking the sexuality of the couple, however in some cases feeling rejected, refused.
Several factors may interfere on the retaking of the couple’s sexuality. Myths such as the vagina of a woman who had a baby by the normal method becoming too loose, or the man having to avoid sucking the woman’s nipple because it may sour the milk. Those myths still are common among people that lack proper information. The duality woman-lover Vs. woman-mother viewed by the partner who can’t disassociate these two images is also common due to religious convictions. The woman’s self-esteem concerning her image (when the woman sees herself just as a mother but not as a woman), post-childbearing depression, traumatic obstetrical experiences (psychological factors) are aspects which turn the retaking of the relationship very hard to accomplish.
At any rate, since it’s all a delicate situation, it’s important to maintain an open dialogue channel. It’s essential to clear up all doubts and fears with the help of professionals, books and articles about the subject, to promote a restart in the sexual life of the couple. Thus, it’s important that when retaking their sexual life, the couple should keep calm and patience. The use of lubricants may be helpful in the first sexual intercourse. When it comes to sexuality, we should always keep in mind that sex is a relation of affection and not just an act of penetration. It calls for maturity, respect, and knowing yourself and your partner, alongside will power to break some obstacles and doubts that might appear along the way.
http://www.sexuall.org/Article26.phtml
Sex and Birth Control After Childbirth
When can I have sex again?
This is a common concern for new parents. The number of weeks you should wait before having sex varies depending on your specific circumstance. If you had an episiotomy, you should wait at least 3 to 4 weeks before having sex so it can heal. If you had a Cesarean section you should wait at least 4 weeks so your incisions can heal. Because it takes approximately 6 weeks for your uterus to return to normal after you give birth, many providers recommend waiting a full 6 weeks. Your hormone levels may take even longer to return to normal, especially if you are breast-feeding.
Remember that even if your health care provider tells you that you can have sex again after a certain number of weeks, it does not mean that you will feel like having sex or that it will not hurt at all after that period of time. Recovery time varies from woman to woman. It takes time to completely heal and feel like having sex again. Changes in your hormone levels after delivery and while breast-feeding often lower your sexual desire. Your partner may be concerned if a set time has passed and you still do not feel ready. He may be especially anxious considering sex during your pregnancy has been awkward and less frequent. Assure him that the pain will go away eventually and your sex life will return to normal.
How will sex be different after birth?
Even if you want to get back to your normal sexual activities as soon as possible, you may have some problems at first.
You may still have some pain while having sex for weeks or months afterward, even after your incisions or tears have healed.
Your vagina may be drier than normal, especially if you are breast-feeding.
You may feel too busy, anxious, and tired while you adjust to the new baby, especially if it is your first baby. You may also be afraid of getting pregnant again.
While you are waiting for your body to return to normal, use these tips to help make sex more enjoyable.
Use a lubricant, such as K-Y, until your hormone levels are back to normal and your vagina lubricates itself.
Talk to your partner about how you feel and tell him what hurts you so he can be gentle, especially if you have had an episiotomy.
If you are breast-feeding, you may find that you have milk let-down during sex. Breast-feeding your baby before having sex may help.
Try to use a sexual position that puts less pressure on your stomach and sore areas. If you are on top, you may have better control over movements that cause pain.
Sex after birth does have its benefits. The hormones that are released during sex will help your uterus return to its normal shape.
What methods of birth control can I use?
If you start having sex before your postpartum check-up, it is a good idea to use some form of birth control, such as a condom, until you and your health care provider can discuss all your options.
If you are breast-feeding, you should not use combination birth control pills (contain both estrogen and progesterone), a vaginal ring, or monthly shots (Lunelle). Ask your health care provider about choices for birth control methods if you plan to breast-feed. (Breast-feeding by itself is not considered a completely reliable method of birth control.) Birth control methods that can be used when you are breast-feeding include:
condoms
spermicide creams
cap
diaphragm
IUD
progestin-only birth control pills, which you can begin 3 to 4 weeks after the birth of your baby
shots of progesterone (Depo-Provera) given every 90 days, starting 6 weeks after delivery.
If you do not plan to have children again and are looking for a more permanent form of birth control, male sterilization (vasectomy) or female sterilization (tying of the tubes) are two other choices available to you.
If you plan to have children again very soon, you may want to avoid using the hormone methods of birth control (pills or shots). That way you will not have to wait for your body to readjust to your normal hormone level and menstrual cycle. This makes it easier for you to get pregnant when you are ready.
http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/wha/wha_sexbirth_crs.htm
The Official Party Line
Traditionally, obstetricians have told their patients "no sex for six weeks" after giving birth. What they mean is to avoid penetration (inserting a penis, fingers, or other things into the vagina). Other doctors may specify only four weeks or when the lochia (postpartum discharge from the vagina) stops, whichever is later. Sex by manual or oral stimulation of the clitoris should not be a problem, providing there are no tears involving that area.
The main reason for avoiding intercourse is to allow the woman's genital tissues to heal, especially if there was an episiotomy or tearing. Avoiding infection is another reason. But these risks don't require weeks of abstinence from intercourse. In fact, the reason for the "six week rule" is more for the obstetrician's convenience than the new mom's medical needs. The postpartum re-check is traditionally at six weeks. Six weeks is, in turn, when the uterus should have returned to its pre-pregnancy size. This is the last of the major physical postpartum changes (again, from the obstetrician's perspective). Now, a woman doesn't need her uterus at its pre-pregnancy size for intercourse. But the obstetricians wanted "one-stop shopping" for the postpartum re-check, so they put everything, including "permission" to have intercourse at six weeks.
You can, but will you want to?
For many women, in the weeks and months following childbirth, their desire for sex is low or nonexistent. They may find that healing has not progressed enough to make intercourse pleasurable. The research on averages and statistics is spotty, so here's a sampling. One Australian study found that six weeks was the median time for women to begin intercourse again. But it also found that about half had problems initially and that persisted for the first year. Another study found that for 20% of first time mothers it took 6 months to feel physically comfortable during sex. The median time was around 3 months. Yet another study found that 57% of women were still having less frequent sex at 12 months after childbirth.
Causes Hormonal Factors
Hormone levels are also affected by breastfeeding. A woman who breastfeeds might not start menstruating again for quite a while longer than a woman who bottle feeds. This can translate into an extended decrease in libido. Women who breastfeed may also have the experience that their breasts leak during sex. Orgasm and breast stimulation can trigger the letdown reflex. Couples may find this awkward to deal with. Some women will wear a bra during sex. Women who breastfeed sometimes also comment that by the end of the day they are pretty well done with being touched.
Fear of Pain
Many women do not desire sex after childbirth because of pain, or fear of pain, during intercourse. The time it takes for a woman's desire to return to previous levels depends largely on her birthing experience. Women who deliver with the assistance of forceps tend to take longer to feel comfortable during sex. The same goes for women who experience internal vaginal tears. Women with swelling after childbirth and/or any breakdown of the perineum (the external region between the vulva and the anus that is made up of skin and muscle) also tend to take longer to feel comfortable during sex. Surprisingly, whether a woman has an episiotomy doesn't seem to make a difference.
If a woman experiences pain or fears pain she might try oral sex, manual sex, or being on top during sex, which can help her steer her partner away from sore spots. In any case, she can guide the penis into her vagina gently. Also make sure to use a lot of lubricant, as this will combat pain due to vaginal dryness.
Life-style Changes and Fatigue
As any new mother knows, the first weeks and months after childbirth are exhausting. Fatigue is one of the most common reasons for low sexual desire. Between recovering from childbirth, hardly sleeping, and the demands of breastfeeding, sex often falls to the wayside. Childbirth requires huge adjustments on the part of both parents and sex can be difficult to fit into an already packed schedule and into the changing roles of the individual parents and the partnership itself. For most women, decreased libido is only a temporary change that requires time to return to normal.
The Bottom Line
New mothers may find that it takes them a while to get back into the groove when it comes to sex. This can be related to a number of factors, including the disrupted sleep and exhaustion that comes with being a new parent, the precipitous fall of hormone levels after pregnancy, the physical discomfort that is common after childbirth, postpartum depression, and feelings of unattractiveness due to the physical changes that accompany pregnancy. Many, if not all, of these problems will improve with time. As these problems disappear, your sex life will probably improve. http://www.womenshealth.org/a/postpartum_sex.htm
THIS IS FOR YOUR HUSBAND TO READ>>>> OR YOU CAN READ IT FOR HIM AND IT WILL HELP YOU TO EXPLAIN TO HIM HOW YOU FEEL.
The doctor's idea of when a new mother is ready for sex may be vastly different from when she herself feels ready. After all, the doctor is not the one who is recovering from pregnancy and childbirth while learning to cope with a new baby. Your wife's postpartum checkup is not a green light indicating your sexual relationship can pick up right where it left off.
There is a better way. There is a natural warm-up period that must precede sexual fulfillment after childbirth. A new mother needs to be courted, to be wooed all over again. Most postpartum women respond to a progression very similar to the premarital courtship. Postpartum women want to be held, caressed, looked at, cared for, and loved. For a man, sex equals intercourse. Women, especially postpartum mothers, can experience sexual fulfillment without intercourse. New mothers do feel the necessity to be reconnected sexually to their mates, but sexual intimacy does not return automatically for most new mothers. Many women need a warm-up period of eye-to-eye contact, touching, caressing. and many “I care” messages before sexual intercourse can become fulfilling.
Respect the physical changes that are going on as your wife's body is returning to its pre-pregnancy state. Some fathers have described their sexual reunions with their wives as “getting to know her body all over again:’ Sensitivity and gentleness are the keys to fulfilling postpartum sex.
Your wife's breasts may be sensitive because of the changes that occur during lactation. They may leak milk while you are making love so be prepared for this with a towel nearby to catch the drips. Postpartum women may also experience vaginal discomfort or pain during intercourse. The hormones that usually prepare the vagina for intercourse by releasing a protective lubricant are at a lower level during lactation, making vaginal dryness very common in the months after birth. Vaginal pain may also occur if your wife had an episiotomy that is not yet completely healed.
Here are some suggestions to help you and your wife get sexually reacquainted:
Make the first night you plan to have intercourse after the birth similar to your first experience of intercourse together—a special time of romance and courtship, complete with flowers and a special dinner. With all the recent changes in your wife's body, you will be getting to know each other all over again. One plus is that “the bulge” is gone, and you'll be able to snuggle close together again.
Experiment with positions that do not put pressure on your wife's breasts or episiotomy for example, the side-lying position. Move slowly and ask her to guide your penetration to avoid pain.
If dryness is a problem use a water-soluble lubricant.
Leaking breast milk is a natural part of sex after childbirth. Don't give your wife the message that this normal bodily function is distasteful. If leaking milk bothers you, having sex after the baby has emptied the breasts may lessen the problem. Don't cry over spilled milk—understand it for what it is: a sign that your wife's body is responding to your lovemaking.
The feelings of oneness between a mother and her new baby may affect your lovemaking. You may often feel that you are making love to a split personality: mother's body may be in your arms but her mind may be with her baby. Here's the scenario: while you and your wife are making love, your baby cries from another room. (The scent of mother's milk traverses closed doors and thick walls to awaken babies at the most untimely moments.) When this happens, your wife's body and mind respond and she will be more oriented toward comforting baby than satisfying daddy. Fathers, it is impossible to compete with this normal biological programming. Above all, avoid giving your wife the feeling that your baby is spoiling your sexual pleasure. Instead of letting loose with an angry “foiled again” reaction, be sensitive to your wife's biology and to your baby's needs. Say to her, “Go comfort baby first, and we'll make love later:’ Nothing will earn you more points (and better sex!) than to convey to your wife your understanding that the baby's needs come before yours. A woman is often turned off by selfishness in a man, particularly when it comes to sex. But she will return to your side feeling even loving and responsive if you have encouraged her to meet baby's needs first. Although you may feel deprived, your wife, in words or actions, that the baby has had enough of her attention and that “now it's my turn” is a guaranteed turn-off.
Although you may not be able to counteract the natural postpartum changes in your wife's sexual drive, you can do some- rig about the fatigue that may make her feel simply too ‘to make love. Take an active part in baby-tending and either share the domestic chores or hire help. One of the ,t ways to re-direct some of your wife's energy toward you to pitch in and help with all those household tasks that in her energy away from your sexual relationship.
Timing is an important consideration in new parents’ remaking. Time your lovemaking to occur when your wife the least tired. By bedtime, most new mothers just want go to sleep. If the baby has been awake and nursing several times during the night, come morning, all mother wants to do is stay asleep. So when do you make love? You'll have to be creative!
FOR MOTHERS ONLY :While it is true that husbands have trouble understanding the sexual changes in their wives after childbirth, it is equally ‘true that wives tend to forget that husbands’ sexual urges do not change after birth. Although your hormones change, your husband's do not. Husbands often complain that sex is no longer spontaneous. It has to be planned and scheduled to fit in with the competing demands of another individual in the family. Mothers, remember that for most men sex equals intercourse. While you may need only to be held and loved, your husband may feel he needs more. To a man holding and touching may be just a step to go through on the way to the real thing, orgasm. Let me share with some ideas for achieving sexual harmony after birth.
Communicate Your Needs and Feelings
‘Talk to your husband about your apparent sexual disinterest. Explain the hormonal changes described earlier in this chapter so that he can understand that you are feeling the way you do because you are designed that way, not because has done anything to turn you off. Be sure he understands how tired you are. Your husband needs to know that it not his fault that sex is not the same after Childbirth as was before.
Tell your husband what you need. He may be feeling that you no longer want him because your baby has taken his place. Let your husband know that you still need him and that you need and want to be held and touched.
Susan, a woman who worked diligently at becoming both a giving mother and a giving wife, related the following story to me. She and her husband were blessed with a baby who woke frequently at night. Dad, who needed his sleep, moved out of the bedroom when baby was about one month old and spent most nights on the living room couch. Recognizing that everyone had nighttime needs, Susan would occasionally tiptoe into the living room and surprise her husband after the baby had fallen into a deep sleep. These midnight surprises did wonders to help dad accept Susan's commitment to nighttime mothering. Susan made up for the lost sleep by napping when the baby slept during the day.
Be Responsive
The number one complaint I receive from frustrated fathers “She doesn't respond to me:’ When asked about this, mothers often reply, “I'm too tired” or “1 need my sleep more than he needs sex” or “My baby needs me so much that want to save up my energy for her:’
Sometimes mothers seem to be physically with their husbands but mentally with their babies, and fathers can sense this detachment. Just as your husband does not expect you to be thinking primarily of him during breastfeeding, neither should you be thinking about your baby during lovemaking. Mothers often have difficulty releasing themselves from the obligations of one role and giving themselves permission to experience the joys of another role. Release, respond, and enjoy your husband. For mother-baby attachment to work in the way it was designed to work, it must be practiced within the structure of a stable and fulfilled marriage. In the attachment style of parenting the whole family works together— mother-baby, father-baby, and husband-wife. Avoid the “but my baby needs me” syndrome. You should not make an either-or choice among these relationships. You need to work at all of them because they complement each other.
The following story is an example of a problem I see in my office all too frequently. Tom and Mary married in their late twenties and had their baby a few years later. Before becoming a mother, Mary had been very successful in her professional career and she wanted to be equally successful as a mother. She decided to stay home, be a full-time mother, and “do it all right:’ Tom was a bit uncomfortable about handling babies and was more at home on the fast track of his career. Mary sensed Tom's uneasy feelings about his ability to care for the baby and was afraid to leave him alone with the baby. She didn't even trust him to comfort the baby when he cried. As an added stress they were blessed with a baby who had a high level of needs that required a great deal of attachment parenting. Tom felt more and more left out, and gradually they drifted down separate paths, Mary into her mothering and Tom into his work.
Mary became more attached to her baby, and Tom became more attached to his job and also formed a few outside “attachments” of his own. One day Mary was sitting in my office wondering why her marriage was disintegrating. “But I tried to be such a good mother:’ she said. “My baby needed me. I thought ‘Tom was a big boy and could take care of himself:’
Mothers, watch out for “red flags” in your family. Are there problems in your marriage? Is dad enjoying his work more and his home less? I told Mary that “what your baby needs most is two parents:’ Tom needed more of her attention and her trust, and the two of them needed to decide together how they could take care of each other's needs as well as the baby's. With better communication and some give-and- take, they managed to work things out. Both of them matured as parents and as spouses.
FOR FATHERS:Maturing as a Father—Maturing as a Man
What's in it for dads? Nothing matures a man more than fathering a new baby. An important part of becoming a mature person is being able to give part of yourself to someone else. Another part of growing up is learning to delay your own desires in order to answer a need that someone else has.
New fathers go through a kind of second adolescence. Adolescents are naturally impulsive but must learn that it is often wise to delay the gratification of impulses. You may feel that you want to get away alone with your wife and that the baby always wants her when you want her. You realize that you must now share your mate with another person. Handling these feelings can have a maturing effect on a man. Remember that during the first year most of what a baby demands from parents is simply what he or she needs. Resenting your baby for taking your wife away from you or resenting your wife for putting the baby's needs first can stand in the way of becoming a giving father. It can also greatly diminish the joys of being a parent. Fatherhood is one big give-athon. The earlier we learn to give, the greater the joy in becoming a father.
Fathers who have felt that they suffered from an acute lack of sex in the first few months after birth but who have developed the maturity to accept delayed gratification of their needs often find that their overall relationship with their mate improves. Understanding and respecting the natural design in the first few months after birth forces the husband to seek ways of achieving sexual intimacy with his wife outside of intercourse. In ancient times writers about sex described the sexual relationship as “to know” another person. While this can be interpreted specifically to mean sexual intercourse, I believe the phrase “to know” conveys many other levels of meaning as well. It describes the mutual adjustments that a couple make when they become parents. By understanding that a sexual relationship involves more than intercourse the husband truly gets to know his wife. Yes, there is sex after birth! It is a fuller and richer kind of sex that matures a man as a male person a husband, and a father.
http://www.gentlebirth.org/archives/ppSexSears.html
http://p102.ezboard.com/bsexafterchildren Welcome to the Sex After Children message board. This is a place for adults to discuss sex related topics...among other things. All we ask is that you are respectful of one another and do not insult or purposely be mean to ANY of our members! Thank you!
Sex after pregnancy: Let your body set the pace
After childbirth, sex may be the last thing on your mind. If you're feeling up to it, follow your sex drive where it leads.
Sex after pregnancy happens. Honestly. But first, vaginal soreness and sheer exhaustion are likely to take a toll. Whether you're in the mood or sex is the last thing on your mind, here's what you need to know about sex after pregnancy.
After the baby is born, how soon can I have sex?
Whether you give birth vaginally or by C-section, your body will need time to heal. Many doctors recommend waiting six weeks before resuming intercourse. This allows time for the cervix to close, postpartum bleeding to stop, and any tears or repaired lacerations to heal.
But the other important timeline is your own. Some women feel ready to resume sex within a few weeks of giving birth. Others need more time. Factors such as fatigue, postpartum blues and changes in body image may take a toll on your sex drive.http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/sex-after-pregnancy/PR00146
With the arrival of the baby the relationship between husband and wife will undergo a change. There maybe some initial strain and tension in the relationship. But there is nothing that the two partners cannot solve by making time for each other and talking things out. After childbirth each partner has his or her own expectations and apprehensions. Some of the things that men worry about after childbirth are: Earning enough for the family.
· Kind of father they will make.
· Fear of feeling left out as his wife will be devoting all her time to the baby.
A woman too has her own fears and apprehensions:
· Whether her husband will help and support her.
· Whether she will have to take care of her husband's needs and the baby's needs.
· Whether the baby will affect their relationship.
To begin with the baby may interfere in the relationship between husband and wife. But over a period of time these differences can be resolved. It is important to talk and listen to each other. Here are a few tips how to be a good listener:
Pay complete attention to your partner, look at them and sit close to them.
Do not think about yourself think of the other person.
Listen to what your partner has to say and if necessary, say it to yourself again so that you remember it clearly.
Clarify things that you do not understand or want explained immediately. This will show that you are paying attention to what is being said.
Before placing your point of view wait for your partner to finish. Give yourself sometime and think over what your partner has said, before replying.
Give advice only when your partner asks for it.
Do not let your ego affect the relationship.
Not only must your listen carefully but, also, you must be able to put across your problems, feelings and point of view in an affective manner. Here are a few suggestions on how to talk:
Pick the right time to speak.
While speaking make sure you are taking about how you feel and about your problems and accusing your partner.
If you disagree on something, then just agree to disagree, do not have the last word. This will make things worse; do not let your ego get in the way of the relationship.
Once you become parents, it becomes very difficult for both partners, to find time to spend together as a couple. A newborn baby takes up all the time of both the mother and the father. Though it may seem that the baby is affecting your relationship, it is not so. A baby doesn't damage a good relationship and a baby doesn't improve a bad one. It is ultimately up to the partners to find time for each other no matter how difficult it is or how tired they are. Here are a few things you can do to keep your relationship alive:
For some time each day continue to think of your partner as your lover and not the father or mother of your child.
Spend time with the baby together, play and cuddle the baby together. This will give you quality time together and as a family.
Once a week ask a friend or a family member to take care of the baby for a few hours so that both of you have time together alone.
Sexual relationship maybe affected to a great extent once the baby is born. Since this important aspect of your relationship is affected this may take a toll on your relationship. As a new mother the demands of your baby, exhaustion, unhappiness with bodily changes after childbirth and the effect of breastfeeding on sex drive all affect sex drive after birth. Your partner may feel that you have only time for the baby and not for him. While you may feel that everyone is only making demands on you and you don't have any time to rest or to yourself. Making time to improve your sexual relationship will help you and your partner. Here are few things you should remember:
There is no right time to restart your sex life.
Intercourse is not necessary. Just lying together, cuddling together and spending time together can improve your relationship and make you comfortable with your body.
If sex in painful even after healing then you should consult your doctor.
The vagina is an elastic and supple tissue, which heals quickly.
A woman's body was created to bear children.
The human body has great recuperation powers.
If you still feel that you and your partner are having problems with your sexual relationship then you could get counseling.
http://babycare.iloveindia.com/changing-lifestyle/relations-with-spouse.html
NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Though some women worry that labor and delivery will harm their sex life after pregnancy, a new study finds no evidence that childbirth itself affects a woman's long-term sexual function. Instead, researchers in the Netherlands found, the biggest predictor of a woman's post-baby sex life was her sex life before the baby.
Of the 377 first-time mothers they followed, those who were not having sex early in pregnancy were more likely than other women to still be sex-free when their babies were a year old.
Dr. H.J. van Brummen and her colleagues at University Medical Center Utrecht report the findings in the obstetrics and gynecology journal BJOG.
There has been little research into how the type of delivery may affect a woman's postpartum sexual function, according to van Brummen's team. However, they note, reports in the "popular media" suggest that many women worry that vaginal delivery will harm their sexual function.
And there is some reason for concern, the researchers add. One research review found that vaginal delivery with the use of forceps or vacuum assistance could make sex painful for some time after childbirth.
To study the question further, van Brummen's team followed 377 women from the 12th week of pregnancy until one year after childbirth. During and after pregnancy, the women completed questionnaires on their sexual activity and satisfaction with their sex life.
Overall, the researchers found, the women's sex lives one year after childbirth were unrelated to the type of delivery they had -- whether vaginal, vaginal delivery with forceps or vacuum, or Cesarean section.
But women who weren't having sex at week 12 of pregnancy were 11 times more likely than other women to be sexually inactive one year after childbirth. The only other factor that affected long-term sexual function was significant tearing in the anal sphincter during childbirth; the 6 percent of women with this injury were five times less likely to be sexually active one year later.
It's not clear why some women weren't having sex early in pregnancy, or why for some women, the pattern remained long after childbirth. Sexual activity early in pregnancy may be a reflection of sexual function before pregnancy, the researchers note, but the study did not assess the women's pre-pregnancy sex life.
In all, van Brummen and her colleagues point out, 94 percent of women were having sex one year after giving birth. That included a majority of those who'd abstained during early pregnancy or who'd suffered an anal tear during delivery.
SOURCE: BJOG: An International Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, August 2006 http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060908/hl_nm/sexual_function_dc
Hope all of this helps.. I have included the website addresses to where I have found this info and you can look and read it at your own pace.