How do I deal with these fiancee problems?

Question

So here is the story in a nutshell: My fiancee and i have been together for 7 months; she is 25 and i am 28. We found out we're having a baby back in October. We decided, after the 1st trimester was done, that the right thing to do was to get married before the baby was here. So we have decided to get married at the end of next month (January). Her parents are succcessful in life and live comfortably. My parents used to but unforseen cutbacks at my dad's work have caused their finances to get out of control. My mom retired prior to the cutbacks and they are now in danger of losing their house. My fiancee's parents are paying for the wedding but she claims that they are furious that my parents are not helping pay for anything. My parents are not deadbeats and if they could help pay, they definitely would. This argument has escalated to the point where this morning, my fiancee called my parents "white trash idiots". I was furious and she hung up the phone. My parents have never done anything bad or said anything bad to my fiancee and i feel she was really out of line in saying that. It isn't the first time she has said something hurtful to me about them. She has no sympathy for their financial situation and feels it is very disrespectful that they are not helping to pay for the wedding. It's causing a rift in our relationship and i don't know what to do.

Answer 1

Wow! Makes me want to ask you why you would want to marry someone like this?



She needs to know that "traditionally" it is the brides parents that pay for the wedding.



She also needs to know that it is not written anywhere that beyond that, either parents are obligated to help out with anything, financially.



But more importantly, she owes you an apology. Seriously, if you can't make her understand how childish, insensitive, greedy and selfish she is, these tantrums will only get worse. Should you not be able to live up to her financial expectations, she will lash out at you. She has put something that isn't even related before the marriage. All for what? Don't go into a marriage like this or you will regret it. Maybe even postpone the wedding a month or two.



Best of luck!

Answer 2

I will say it was a disrespectful comnent to make about your parents. She shouldn't have said it without a reason. Having a lack of money don't make you a trashy person. I've saw poor people with more class than a rich person. Planning a wedding is very stressful. I can say that from personal experience. I could only imagine how hard it would be with pregnancy horomones. My wedding situation was different. I came from a low income family. I was marrying into a wealthy family. My husband and I paid for the majority of the wedding ourselves. My parents helped out with what they could. His mother made a payment on the cake and paid for the rehersal dinner. We paid for the catering. She paid for the servers. My parents put my wedding gown on a credit card. Then they bought decorations. My mother handmade the boquets. You need to consider paying for some of the wedding yourself. That is if you can afford it. Since your parents can't. You need to find out if your fiance really thinks your parents are white trash idiots. This will be a problem that will never go away if it she truely feels that way. It will only get worse. You two need to work everything out. Wheather their is a wedding or not. Your child deserves to be in a peaceful enviroment with two parents that get along. Married or not.

Answer 3

Planning a wedding even in the best of circumstances is a stressful pain in the a$$ at the best of times and definitely brings out the worst in all involved. Add to that the disparate financial situations, the fact that they will always see you as "the guy who knocked up their daughter", your fiancee being unbelievably hormonal and the fact that you have only been together 7 months and you have a recipe for disaster! If you two are serious about getting married, make it a simple affair and get married at the local courthouse or some other simple venue with only immediate family. But, keep in mind, in spite of the fact that it took both of you to get pregnant, it's going to be a loooooooooooong time until her parents see you as anything but "that guy". You have a lot of work to do to overcome that.

Answer 4

A baby is not a reason to marry, a marriage should be based on something deeper than that personally.



Divorce and single parenthood is all to familiar so familiar that 80% of children will be in single parent homes over a year now. *Your county law center will save you money in your county if it comes to that, sounds like it will.)



Get your relationship right before the plunge if it means a smaller weeding so be it.



Tell her that you don't want to start out a family with bad blood. Thing is so many people some were wealthy lost everything in this economy, and you will want someone who will stay by your side come what may.



You as the father even without marriage have joint shared custody. A child is not the reason for marriage especially one that might not last till the baby is a toddler.



Let her see that your parents have the ability to watch the child(ren) while you both work so their contribution in time will save you financially in the long run.



Also think about distancing her from her parents he seems controlling and as head of the new family she must be willing to give you that new position not her father.



things (material things) should not matter you can't take them with you and its stupid to allow money to effect things.

Answer 5

Your situation is tricky and frustrating. My fiancé and I both have parents who aren't extremely well off. My dad works very hard but my mom Left him recently and took a lot of his savings with her and doesnt have contact with us anymore. His dad dies a long time ago and his mom is handicapped and can't work so she just collects disability, because of that, we have to pay for the majority of our own wedding.

You should remind your fiancé that we are living in difficult times and a lot of hardworking intelligent people are losing their jobs. Try helping her understand that you're both fortunate that her parents are willing to help. She's probably to really mad at you. Planning a wedding is extremely stressful and time consuming. I can't imagine doing it while pregnant. And on top of all that, her parents are hassling her about money. She's certainly not I. The right saying those things about your family, but it seems like she's under a lot of pressure from all sides. Try to be as understanding and loving as you can. Ask her what you can do to help her de-stress. Give her a foot or back rub, take her out to eat or cook her a meal.do whatever you can to lighten her load in wedding planning. If you feel comfortable with it and think it would help, you could talk to her parents directly. I'm sure they don't mean to stress her out and maybe pointing it out to them will help them realize.

Congratulations on the baby and getting married and best of luck to you both!

Answer 6

There is no way I (AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU!) have to put up with that sort of behavior from someone whom says they love you and want to spend the rest of their life with you.



She sounds like a spoiled brat to me. There is no compassion that whatever if she just goes off about this when she is upset. She needs to learn to keep her emotions in check.



I would not go through with getting married. Since you two have only been dating a few months and are rushing things due to her being pregnant, there is no way in hell that I would get married to her after she's done and said all of that.



Technically, if she's speaking of traditions with who pays for the wedding, the brides family pays for the majority of the wedding anyway. I'm not too keen on that tradition, as I would never ask anyone to pay for my wedding, but that is technically the tradition. The grooms family pays for the rehearsal dinner I think and maybe something else.



There are only a few solutions that I can think of. Postpone the wedding until a later time, after the baby is born. Tell her that you don't feel comfortable having her family pay for it all and that you want to be able to contribute but you need some time to save money. This too will give you some time to see if she is really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with (my vote is no, she's not--so rude what she said).



OR---



You can just simply go through with the wedding. You need to for sure tell her that what she said was not acceptable and make sure she knows that you're not going to tolerate being verbally abused by her speaking this rubbish of your family. She obviously hasn't had to deal with the hard economic times likes most of us have.



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Just make sure you do what is best for YOU. I know it's hard now that you have a baby coming into the picture. You can't let that sway your decisions right now though. That's going to happen no matter what. You have kinda made your bed as far as this woman being in your life forever now by having a child with her (i hate to bring up the point of if the child is yours or not). Although that is true, you don't have to spend the rest of your life with her. You should make that decision before or while the child is young so you don't subject it to your broken relationship with it's mother.



You may really love her and want to try and make it work out. If that's the case then I wish you the best of luck. You can't change people--and this woman is a piece of work.



Good-Luck!





-------------By The Way!!----



You are entitled to RIGHTS as being the child's father even if you don't marry the mother of the child. It will probably get costly, as you'll have to hire a lawyer that will be able to help you decide whats best for you and your legal rights as far as custody would be concerned in the child's life. Although it will cost you some money, it will be well worth it in the end when you aren't married to someone whom you don't want to be married too and your still have rights and partial custody of your child..Again it all goes back to that whole you made your bed and now you have to grow up and live with the consequences, but it will work out in the long run.

Answer 7

I know that with my boyfriend, he has made remarks about my family, because my side of the family is mostly poor. Ive asked him numerous times to not say things about my family since I do not talk about his family that way, you can try asking her why she says these thing (my boyfriend says he says these things out of anger and doesnt mean them) which doesnt make it hurt any less.

But if its becoming that big of an issue, i would stall the wedding. 7 months isnt a long time to be together, marriage isnt going to make the baby any happier, Ive been with my boyfriend for 6 years, and we have a two year old daughter together, so I would say, ask yourself what YOU think is right, whether its talking to her, breaking up, stalling the wedding until this issue is resolved, whatever it may be. dont let her influence your decision.

Answer 8

note: i am not in any way picking at your relationship, just giving my opinion.



honestly i think that she has lack of empathy for them because you have only been together for a short time. that lack of empathy mixed with frustration of finances, BEING PREGNANT, and a wedding coming up is probably stressing her out. Although she is stressed out it is really inappropriate for her to be judging and name calling the most important people in your life! dont get married if you really think you two arent ready. just because you have a baby does not mean that you have to get married ASAP. i personally think that the relationship would work out better if you gave you two time to let the news of pregnancy to settle down. all these things that are happening are obviously causing stress to you both, and to others in the family. its a hard situation and obviously youre the only one who can make a decision about the matters and not someone online giving advice lol. good luck and congratulations!

Answer 9

I would either sit down with her and her parents and have a "come to Jesus" discussion, or call off the wedding. It is a bad sign that this type of fighting has already started before you are even married. Don't expect this problem to work itself out.

Answer 10

Tell your fiancee that if she disses your parent's finaces again, she can go marry herself. And if either she or her parents are cranky about the cost of the wedding being all on them, then you and she can get married at a justice of the peace, and everyone saves $$$.



Really, she is being a lunatic, demanding from those who don't have it to give. That does NOT bode well for your marriage, because she, and they, are drama queens, and are entitlement besotted whiny babies.

Answer 11

Wow. Maybe she is hormonal but she needs to stop talking about your family like that. After all, you're a reflection of them, right? I would highly reccommend some marital counseling. In the meantime, tell her that you're parents are going to help pay but will have to move in with you because they've lost their house.

Answer 12

well i tell u what. Take that ***** to the courthouse to marry her. See how she likes NO wedding. I mean seriously, If I were you, I wouldn't even want to participate in the "FANCY WEDDING" You will never hear the end of it. Great future to look forward to. And her disrespecting your parents, that is the absolute ultimate betrayal.