My husband was having an affair with my best friend and now he's begging me to forgive him. What do I do?

Question

My best friend & I have been best friends since we were 12, she's the godmother of my older child and I'm the godmother of hers, I was the maid of honor at her wedding and she was at mine, we always did everything together her kids call me aunty and so do mines to her, our kids go to the same school and our older 2 kids play hockey, baseball and soccer together. They are always together and it would break my heart to separate them from one another because they won't understand why.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for 5 and we have 3 children. We always have had a good marriage, we've been a happy family, sometimes some men are just plain jerks, I never gave him a reason to cheat on me, I'm not fat, I take good care of me, I know I look good, I have 3 kids and I'm just 125 lbs, our house is always spotless, I cook him meal every day, I'm a good mother, I do his laundry, I'm basically his secretary, I've never deny sex to him, we have sex like 3 or 4 times a week and I pretty much do anything he wants me to do sex wise. I found out because another friend of mine told me that my best friend's ex- husband had told her that there was something going on between them, the bottom line is that I asked him and demanded him to tell me the truth and at first he tried to deny it but then admitted it. Why does he do this to his family? Why does she do this to me and my family? I thought she was my best friend. My husband told me that it was going on for

Answer 1

This is heartbreaking. The 2 people you trusted most in the world have betrayed you. They threw away their families. You owe nothing to either of them. They have to live with the consequences and sadly, so do you and the children.



He didn't take his marriage vows seriously. He didn't care if he hurt you. He lied. He walked over a lovely and trusting wife. He has a greater responsibility to you but of course, she was wrong too.



This will take a least a year or two to sort out and get comfortable with. I don't think he deserves to live with you and the kids. He gave up that right. For now at least, he needs to live away from you so you can process your feelings. He can still spend time with the kids, but not with you, not until you say you're ready for that.



You sound like a good mother and wife and he still cheated. Likely he'll do it again. Best you know now so you can move on from here. After the hurt and anger you'll be able to see it more clearly. The kids can still hang together, don't let his mistake mess up their lives. Anything that happens is his fault, not your's.



I've been in your shoes. My husband cheated at 5 years with multiple women. I was so hurt and wounded. I kept a perfect house, meals etc. I did it all and thought we were perfect. I came to learn that it was never about me, it was about his lack of commitment and honestly. I moved on eventually but not until we tried counseling, which was good for me, useless for him.



You may even be tempted to sleep with him. You did love him. But that will likely just make you more sad. He needs to be away from his home for at least a year to see what he is made of.



Bottom line. Don't make any decisions until you are comfortable. This is about doing what is best for you and the kids. Take your time and don't believe the begging. Believe his actions.

Answer 2

Ugh. I don't have a clue what I think you should do, because you'll find your own path. So this is just a couple of random comments that struck me reading it.



First and foremost, take some control back. The best way to do this is make it clear to your husband that right now, both of you are operating on YOUR timetable. This means taking as much time as you need to figure out what to do next. You're handling multiple "layers" of betrayal here and it takes time to process all this.



Where your "friend" is concerned, I'm not sure it's a good idea to confront her as soon as she gets back. For one thing, she's going to want to use this as way to justify and explain what she did to you. Who benefits from this? She does. The other problem is you might not know what you really want to say to her yet. It will be a lot more impactful if you refuse to even recognize her existence. Obviously, if it's eating away at you, go ahead and lay it all out, but if you can avoid that for awhile, it's the best punishment of all. Let her stew in her own mess for a bit. In fact, why not plan a long weekend with 1 or 2 good friends around the time she returns? Tell your husband he's on babysitting detail and go treat yourself.



Finally, try to stay focused. At some point, you'll need to decide if your husband is worth another chance. If you do decide this, I hope you make it a mandatory condition that you attend couples counseling. In fact, if he hasn't mentioned this himself, that's a red flag, because it indicates deep down he thinks his apology is all that matters. For you to recover from the biggest trust violation of all, an apology is 100 percent irrelevant. It's about rebuilding trust, and this takes both time and a hell of a lot of work. If he's not up for it, and fully committed to it, this will happen again.

Answer 3

This is so sad...you are going through such a hard time right now iknow. Hey, just remember one thing though, if a person has broken your trust once and even your chance, they wont change. THey might change temporarily but not permanently. I can tellyou really love him because u gave him one chance and are seriously contemplating the second, but is it worth it? What guarantee will you have that he won't do it again? I think he may feel that you are easy to get around with so he doesnt mind having affairs. You need to be firm and stick to your values. You deserve someone who loves you, and only you, and you deserve every bit of happiness. it is very sad how it happened so early in marriage. Mabye he is not right for you...these 7 years might have been great but now he's shwoing his true colours...i really think that you need to move on. It is going to be hard but it's not impossible and u need ot have trust in yourself that you can do it. Atleast do it for your daughters. Your husband needs to know that he can't have everything...he can't have 2 affiars, beautiful children, a loving wife and then get forgiveness while you suffer through evyerthing...you need to make him understand how hurt you are. You too could have had an affair and left him initially but you still forgave him, the second time he did it worse where u can see that he didn't really repent. He knows he's pulling your last straw and that's why he's doing anything, but after another year hun, what if he has another affair? what will you then? I know deep inside you dont think it iwll work...you have had enough...you want to get on with life. So do what you have to do...and be strong. You are not wrong, its not your fault... take care and good luck! I know you can make it!

Answer 4

You've a huge challenge on your hands. Of all the people on the planet that your husband and best friend could have had an affair with.. they chose each other. They aren't in love? They just decided to have sex with each other for months behind your back?



Hum. I've no idea why you would ever speak to your childhood friend again. Your kids will just have to get over it. Things happen. As to your husband.. there are so many different kinds of marriages and ways to feel about one another.. or NOT feel about one another, that the two of you sort this out how you WANT to. Your weight, cooking skills and housekeeping abilities don't really have anything to do with it. They never did.

Answer 5

I would definitely cut off ties with the best friend. No true friend would ever do something like that and honestly I don't think I could forgive my husband for cheating either. But everyone is different. Some spouses are able to forgive and live happily in their marriage and some simply cannot. There is no wrong or right answer, but it's just going to depend on how you feel in time. Right now you're probably in shock, confused, and hurt. I would give it sometime and you can see if it's something you can get over and fully trust him again. See about marriage counseling. In the end, if it's something you cannot simply live with, then that's okay too. You can't change the way you feel and at least you know you tried.

Answer 6

The best way to get back your ex is https://tr.im/ZeTfA



Here's the hard part: Pretend she never existed, like it was all a dream, don't call her, that will make you the smaller person, be the bigger person since you deserve better, what she did to you on Valentines Day was immature, especially after dating for four years. This person wasted allot of your time and through it out the window. Go out tonight, even it it is only yourself, don't drink and call or feel sorry for yourself, this will only cause you embarrassment! I know your hurting..This will eventually will go away in time. Today is not a good day for you and your emotions are spinning all over the place.



Please, whatever you do, don't answer her calls and don't call her. If she keeps calling, which she pro bally won't, don't return her call for 5 days. Make her sweat and DO Not get back together right away if you discuss this in 5 days. Tell her since she Broke up with you, you have done allot of thinking, and had the taste of "being single again" and you would like more time being "friends" for now, so you are sure you are making the right decision. Remember "She decided she didn't want to be with you" so the door is open for you to get out and see what you have been missing for four years. You honestly need to do this for yourself.



She doesn't know, but what she did was give you the best valentines day present you will ever get! A new start and a new beginning, use it to your advantage. You will look back on this and Thank God this happened now instead of 4 more wasted years of YOUR life. Today does suck, stay Strong and I promise you your life is going to be so much more exciting and you are going to be happy. If you continue to call and call her, she will think of you as needy and won't want you. She is going to rethink what she did to you today and will be hurt, if you act like you could care less. Girls always want the ones they can't have. That is who you are now to her. Let her suffer,realizing what a mistake she made. This will drive her crazy. Right now she is on cloud 9 thinking you will take her back, OH, is she stupid!



Your life isn't ruined, hers is..She lost someone special, and gave you a gift to let to live life and find someone you deserve. You are not getting back at her, your teaching her what an idiot she is and what she lost and what you gained without her. SO when You eventually talk to her, tell her thank you for what she did...

She will be hurt and you will be happy!

Answer 7

This is a very sad (and not so uncommon) story. You probably thought you were loved by both? Apparently: WRONG. I would seek a legal separation and see if he really DOES want to mend the marriage, then get counseling to see if you can avoid divorce, which you may or may not be able to do but it is worth a try, especially since you two have 3 children and they don't deserve this kind of drama. In the meantime? I'd write a terse and short letter to my "friend" that your relationship is over from this day forward due to her betrayal...Unbelievable she would do this to you, your children yet alone your husband! So that leads me to believe you've been a better friend to her than she has to you probably. You need to do this sooner than later and I'm so sorry for the double whammy but remember this my dear, when the going gets tough? The TOUGH get going. Take care of business, write your "friend" off here and now. Tell your husband you want to separate with the condition if he WANTS to stay married, he'll attend marriage counseling with you for a solid per of time...Six months or more if necessary.

Again, my sympathies on the double betrayal.



Grace

Answer 8

It is sad that your story has become quite popular. (According to two surveys -- reported in DECISION February 2015 -- about six times as many people were having affairs in 2012 as in 1960.)



First, consider separating yourself from your husband for at least a full six months. Your children do not need to understand this as they are quite young. Second, you might feel somewhat better when you confront the woman in the next three weeks. But, after that, you will not be feeling better. Third, during the five years you were with the man and the two of you were not married, did you ever sleep with that man? If "no", good for you. If "yes", do you know you were committing fornication (which is "illicit sexual intercourse" and which is also called the "sin of incest")? If this is the case, then your husband is not the only person who stepped out of line.



Suggestion: Seek God's help for direction and talk with some close friends who would not talk about this with society (if any).

Answer 9

You always did things together. Now you've done your husband together. Maybe a little rethinking of both relationships is in order. In what way besides injuring your ego, did your husband's fling hurt you? Were you physically injured? Did it hurt your ability to live in your accustomed style? If not then you might try to accept it. Did it make your husband and friend happy? If so, I'm sure YOU will benefit from their happiness, at least indirectly. If you just accept that it happened, and don't make a big deal out of it, you will demonstrate that YOU are the more mature person. I'm sure this example will be noticed by both of them.

Answer 10

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Answer 11

I'm sorry this happened to you. That's a challenging situation.



Before attempting to rebuild a house damaged by a hurricane, one must determine whether it can be restored. Likewise, before trying to rebuild a relationship that has been shattered by infidelity, a couple—especially the faithful mate—will want to make a realistic assessment of the potential for restored intimacy and trust in the marriage.



One factor to be considered is whether your husband shows sincere repentance or is, instead, still committing adultery “in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27, 28) Although he promises to change, is he hesitant to abruptly end his immoral relationship? Does he still have a roving eye? Does he blame you for his adultery? If so, efforts to restore trust to the marriage are unlikely to succeed.



On the other hand, if he ends the illicit affair, accepts responsibility for his wrongdoing, and shows that he is wholly committed to rebuilding the marriage, you might see a basis for hoping that genuine trust can one day be restored.—Matthew 5:29.

Also, can you forgive? This does not mean that you cannot voice your feelings of deep hurt regarding what happened or that you have to pretend that nothing has changed. It does mean that you will endeavor, in due time, not to continue holding deep resentment. Such forgiveness takes time but can help to establish a solid basis on which to rebuild the marriage.



All the best, E

Answer 12

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Answer 13

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Answer 14

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Answer 15

Bottom line: there is absolutely NO excuse for cheating behavior, period! I hate it when people say something along the lines of "he cheated on you because you're such-and-such" as if the cheater was somehow justified in his/her behavior because they were "pushed" to cheat by the spouse's looks, behavior, whatever. NO! Get that falsehood out of your head right now! You could have been the absolute worst wife in the world, nagging him day and night, withholding sex, not being supportive; and he STILL would have absolutely no excuse for cheating! If your husband had a problem with you or with the marriage, the right thing to do is to communicate these issues with your spouse and work together to fix them, NOT to go out looking for a side piece behind the spouse's back. That is sneaky, deceitful, hurtful behavior which can never be justified no matter what wrongs the cheater believes they were subjected to. Cheating is emotional abuse, just as violence is physical abuse. No one would ever dare tell a woman that the reason her husband hit her was because of how she looked or the way she was behaving. People would be up in arms vilifying the abusive husband, so I don't see why cheating should be viewed any differently.



As far as why your husband did what he did, that is his own issue which I advise you go to marital counseling to address. Perhaps it is something that can be helped through therapy, perhaps your husband is beyond help. If he is truly sorry and remorseful, he will go to couples counseling with you without question, he will do whatever he can to repair the damage that has been done. As for your friend.......as much as it may pain your children to not have her as a part of their lives anymore, having her in their lives will prove to be far more detrimental and destructive to your family unit. Her involvement with your husband is destroying your family, and in turn hurting your children. Perhaps your children care about her, but it is clear that she does not care about them since she has been more than willing to engage in behavior that she knew would be damaging to them. She is no friend to you any more than she is a friend to them, separation is definitely a necessity in this case. Your children may not understand and may be upset at first, but in the long-run you are protecting your children from someone who only pretends to care about their well-being.



I hope that you will heed this advice, I'm very sorry for the situation you are in and hope that things improve for you in years to come.

Answer 16

U can do whatever u want. I'd be gone and that would be that. I'd tell the kids there were problems that mom and dad couldn't work out.. They'd be told as much as they were old enough to understand, without bad mouthing the other parent.

Answer 17

So being the perfect stepford wife should have cheat-proofed your marriage? That's obviously your thinking. It sounds like you have ZERO personality and you're boring as hell and your only attribute and claim to fame is being someone's wife.



WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? WHERE DID YOU GO? You got lost in marriage and now can only define yourself as a wife and mother. That's not what a husband wants. He wants a person that still has some gumption, some fight, something else to say besides "yes dear."



Get into counseling. YOU and ONLY YOU, take a vacation, binge drink, jump out of a plane, and take up shooting or something. Gain a personality of your own, for God's sakes.

Answer 18

Want to know how to get your ex back? Change yourself. Don't worry about changing other people, worry about changing yourself. Go to https://tr.im/AKiLB



Once you do that then you can start to worry about getting back together with your ex, other wise you will find that you are fighting about all the same things and getting no where. Do what it takes and I promise things will work out in your favor.



The funny thing is I came to the realization that I had to change a little too late. After I was kicked out and after I was about to lose the only things that truly mattered to me - her love. A funny thing happens when we truly love someone and lose them. We do what ever it takes to get them back. For me I had to drop bad habits that had caused not only our relationship to sour but practically every other relationship I had had in the past. Not only with women, but with friends, co-workers, family, you name it.



Which is why I say to you as my ex at the time said to me, the only thing you can do is change yourself. Work on yourself and improve on the person that you already are. Drop the negative things in your life that don't belong there and you will see all of your relationships start to take off to new heights.

Answer 19

Go to therapy by yourself to figure out how you feel about it. Get a separation and clear your head. Only then you'll know what to do. Good luck.

Answer 20

1. your husband made vows with you



2. your best friend (who you thought was your best friend, is not) - she is NOT even your friend, got it?



3. your husband not only cheated but he decided it would be a good idea to do it with your best friend - not a stranger or co-worker - YOUR BEST FRIEND



do you think either one of them deserve a second chance?



your children may not understand right now that you are putting your foot down and will not be treated that way and that is what you want to teach your children not to be walked all over - but they will someday

Answer 21

If he wants to get out then you can do nothing. But if he wants to stay and yiu want to then, yiu need to fight to stay in the marriage. Yiu need to let him know he let you down,but be strong and tell him he has a chance if he dies what you demand, if he dies that then yiu need to pull back a bit as he will rebel that behavour. But let him know you will always be a little bit suspious, so he knows yiu are not letting go of the reigns , the pressure is still on him to stay true to you in the future.

Answer 22

"....I never gave him a reason to cheat on me, I'm not fat, I take good care of me, I know I look good, I have 3 kids and I'm just 125 lbs, our house is always spotless, I cook him meal every day, I'm a good mother, I do his laundry, I'm basically his secretary, I've never deny sex to him, we have sex like 3 or 4 times a week and I pretty much do anything he wants me to do sex wise...."



So you're a pushover and you like being his mother. Would you have sex with your mother?



EDIT:

I never said the husband is in the right. I just think she created her own problems as a result of having too high expectations for herself and him. He's a jack@ss. She's a product of a perfectionist country and she is going to make some rich Christian guy happy. But not this guy. Why did she even marry him in the first place?

Answer 23

confront her and then let him know it will be a LONG time before you can ever trust him again, and tell her the same thing.Limit contact with her, let the kids play together, but forget girls day out and such.

Answer 24

He does this for reasons of his own.

Reasons about having problems dealing with the normal every-day-ness of life.

Or reasons that maybe he has a lot of inner pain and he uses distraction to keep his pain “quiet”, and you just stopped being enough of a “distraction” for him and so he needed more “excitement”.

Or reasons with just not having a lot of emotional skill at dealing with things he wants but can’t have.

Or reasons of general existential angst, or mid-life crisis, or just about anything that eats at a person and causes them to seek a solution somewhere else.



Take him into marriage counseling. The two of you need to work through this, if you have a chance of keeping our marriage going.

There was a SERIOUS PROBLEM with him NOT stopping himself. It is not just a matter of a one-time lapse-of-judgement on his part.



He probably has a lot of delusional mechanisms that allow him to lie to himself.

How else could he continually have an affair?

And his first attempt was to lie to you.

If he lies to himself you cannot expect him to be honest with you.



As for your best friend. She can be your best friend, but if she lacks self-esteem, and if she doesn’t base her self-esteem on her honor … then she can be your best friend but still betray you.

You just never saw her clearly, and so your faith in her loyalty was misplaced.

Not everyone is capable of loyalty, and you cannot expect people to be someone they are not.



You did everything right.

And it did not work out.

I have been in that position in marriage, and in life too.

It hurts.

Sorry.

It IS recoverable, for you, inside yourself.



Ignore "UnderValued". He is trying to blame you for your husband's choices. He is saying that your husband has no control over HIS behavior.

Do not take responsibility for your husband's poor choices. You gave your husband no reason to stray, but that by itself is not reason-enough to keep a man faithful. Faithfulness comes from INSIDE a person.

Answer 25

Man this is plain wrong, do what you feel is best in heart? ARE YOU CRUEL OR NICE...

Answer 26

throw him out and file for divorce

Answer 27

The husband is to be blamed for his actions and the lack of efforts for maintaining a healthy marriage. The wife is also to be blamed partially for lack of efforts in managing a healthy marriage.



The wife is never an innocent victim.

Answer 28

Leave him.