Wow! You are going thru some very trying and emotional times but at the same time some soul searching opportunities for personal growth wisdom and understanding.
I dont profess to know what to say to you that could help but I will give my thoughts.
From what you have written this man is:
Positives:
Personable, Nice Looking, A Wonderful Father, Hard Worker, A Bread Winner for 15 years, A Doctor.
Comment:
Not bad for a guy who has worked hard for his family and himself...seems dedicated to work and in his own way to his family. I think he would feel he has contributed a lot to you and your relationship together and to his family materially.
Negatives:
Not emotionally there, Works too many hours, Critical, Obsessive, Compulsive, Controlling, Condescending.
Comment:
Driving this mans negatives is fear.
I think he doesn't know how to handle emotions well and would find it difficult to communicate on that level as most males lack the skills in that department and much less know how to bridge any gap they feel is happening in their relationship.
I think his answer to that was to have an affair looking for understanding and solace. This of course would have done the opposite to what he might have thought. This act would have alienated you from him further.
I feel he would also know he hasn't been exactly supportive and understanding of you and would be feeling desperately afraid of losing you.
Currently
Comments:
You have been supportive in your early times together and kept the home fires burning, have gone thru cancer and treatments feeling unsupported probably deeply hurt and lonely at times having to deal with facing a possible death sentence on your own. You have empowered yourself with employment and are looking and feeling good.
It would seem to me that you would like independence and freedom but would still like the stability a family gives you as by your statement "I cant hurt the kids'.
I do feel that this is a good relationship that is worth saving and can be fixed by good communication which brings understanding and healing as a result.
The services of a good counsellor would be beneficial in my view.
The first step in turning this around is for the two of you to recognise together that:
a) The relationship will not survive if you don't both recognise that it is worth saving.
b) Committing yourselves to doing just that by enlisting professional help.
Additional comments
I believe that only part of your feeling good is attributable to your employment and sudden independence although it is the trigger for other things, such as self empowerment, a raised self esteem, an augmented self worth and a feeling of attractiveness.
This new energy would radiate from you making you also more attractive to the opposite sex and any compliments received about how you look would no doubt add more to your feelings of sexiness, niceness and attractiveness.
This would in turn have the effect of making you vulnerable to flirting and interested males which you could find a little difficult to repel when you compare it to what you have at home. "I cant even kiss him anymore."
While affairs can happen for many reasons it is often a short term escape from the responsibilities of a relationship that has grown heavy with disappointments, hurts and pain in many areas of need and closeness which are definitely lacking.
Affairs can feel absolutely freeing and mind blowingly enjoyable (I know from experience) so much so that it is easy for one to think they made a mistake in their marriage and want out as quickly as possible.
That the lover is so wonderful and doesn't have the traits and problems that has caused the marriage to feel more like a prison than a happy relationship.
Often when the lovers have changed that relationship to a committed one the new marriage flounders with what may appear as different problems but underlying it are the very same unresolved issues that caused the previous marriage to flounder.
If you wish to email me you are welcome.