Im reaching out for some answers =( For some help .?

Question

I had another fight with my husband ! I feel so desperate. Lost and Lonely , There is no way I can leave him. I just want him to be that man he used to be . He always turns things around when we argue to make it my fault ! He says I try to control him ? But we are supposed to be a couple and make decisions together right ? So when he go's off and makes a decisions that effects the both of us I say. No that can't happen he says im controlling .. When in reality I think its him who is trying to control things ! I physically hurt .. Because my emotions are shot ! I sleep all day . And when I am not sleeping I am crying . Yesterday he was mad at our neighbors dogs for barking . ( they do bark all the time for hrs on end ) But he hit our living room window trying to get them to shut up and the glass broke all over . I was at work at the time and when I came home I noticed it had happen because he never cleaned up the glass he just left it there for me. I was upset about the hole situation and all he could say was I don't know what to tell you . I can't leave I have no place to go . We live in a small town . I have no family , My friends would tell me to stay . One is abused as it is and is in the same situation as me and has been for 14 yrs . We have no homeless shelters or women places ! And I said for better or worse . I don't just want to give up on my marriage all so easy . But I also can not live like this ! I have asked him to go to counseling he wont ! He had to have an evaluation in order to get a school grant to go to a local collage . They made him speak to two councilor . One said he was manic depressive and needed medicine, But he told me he lied to the other councilor and that one said he was fine and would not need help . He said he has been going to them since he was little and they can't help! But I think if he would have gone and got on the meds he would be different ! Im just reaching out for some answers ! For some help .

Answer 1

In a very brief statement, I want you to know that I feel for you and I know its hard. However, you need to look at a couple things here before you pull the plug. He does not hit you. he doesn't throw things. Yes he has anger management issues however he might have been raised that way and honestly, when you are brought up a certain way then changing is highly unlikely. I believe with all my heart that you should stay with him and stick throw this.



I suggest doing a couple things here to help your situation: Never mention counseling again. Ever. This will do no good and will upset him, you already know this. So just dont mention it.



heres my great suggestion. instead of trying to change him, focus on your relationship in a different way. You said you want the old him back, so get it back! Ask to go out together. Do things together like playing games. Show excessive love for him especially in the bedroom. Make him fall in love with you again. Do nice things for him randomly. Ask about his day. Care about what he is feeling and listen to him if he wants to talk.

After a while, he will understand what you are doing whether he mentions it or not and will feel like things are getting better in your relationship (even if you don't feel that way yet). and he will begin to mirror what you are doing for him. He will start to do random little nice things for you. He will be a little more affectionate towards you or rather be romantic more often. And most importantly and surprisingly for you, He will respect you! it takes some time, serious effort and patience, and an unwavering willingness to make things better.



It isn't fair that you have to do this, but I know you would so much rather have that great relationship again then try and fight.



This brings me to my last suggestion:



Avoid fighting. Doing all that stuff to make him care for you again also means NOT doing some of the things that may aggravate him. I think that just for a while, you should try and just do whatever he says to make him feel like you are an obedient wife that every man dreams of. This tactic will have more result for you then anything else you can do.



As far as what your day is. It doesn't sound good. Try not to be mopey or depressed or just flat out distant from him, this will cause a negative emotion from him and is very possibly the root of his anger towards you. He may not be the man you remember meeting, but I know very well that you are not the woman he met either.



Focusing on yourself at the same time may do wonders for your relationship. No one is mean to a nice and happy person who smiles and gives loving looks. NOBODY. Not even him. And if he does seem irritated, give him space at first, then comfort him later.



Believe me and trust in this. It's possible it may backfire on your relationship, but working on yourself will only make you into a better person AGAIN like you should be.



Good Luck!!!



Let me know if you have anything else you would like help with. Be tough.

Answer 2

I'm not really sure what to say, you're kind of stuck. All I can tell you is that he feels certain things, like he doesn't want to go to counseling because it'll make him feel like he has really bad problems, which he does, but he doesn't want to believe it... if he does then he'll go ballistic, or so he thinks. If he goes on meds then....... well I wouldn't even try that because sometimes the cure is worse than the illness. counsel him yourself... that's a great idea, can't believe I didn't think of that before. I think his major problem is getting no relief. and no im not talking about sex (only use that for ultimate measures) but just get him relaxed, give him a couple back massages, be soothing with him, even when he's pissed. when he comes home (if he does) have some music playing that just might calm him, heck anything with acoustic guitar just might do, depending on who it is (anything to just lean back to). when you're soothing him, talk about his problems and agree, and put your thoughts into the conversation (never interrupt)... at least, that's how I'd like it. but to me it seems he's got some rage built up inside, and soothing him is best. don't think the word "marriage" automatically solves everything, because you're supposed to work things together, and apparently it isn't helping so, so just keep that word outta you're mind.

Answer 3

That's awful. This is very similar to something a friend of mine is going through, minus the marriage part. I know it's not easy to leave someone, and I would never advise to opt for it, unless it were the only option remaining. If you've talked to him, and he is refusing to make things work, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

Given that I don't know the full situation, I would say communicating is the only thing you can really do if you don't want to leave him. Though, it's very unfortunate that you would be stuck in a relationship you aren't happy and thriving in. I'm not married, and I'm still young and naive, but I truly do think marriage is about being with someone who illuminates the better parts of you; as well as you for them.

I guess ultimately, listen to your gut. If you can't make it work, and he isn't willing to put his everything in too, consider finding a way to get out of it. You are never without options.

I hope you find the answers you need. Good luck :)

Answer 4

I'm sorry that you're going through this when you feel you have no choice to leave. However, I commend the fact that you're willing to stay with him for better or worse. I hope he hasn't been abusive toward you. It sounds like he has violent tendencies (based on what he did to the window) and there are multiple things going on at the same time.



You mentioned the fact that he turns things around on you and makes it seem like everything is your fault. After being married for years and years, I know my husband does this. And if I stop and think about it, I can do the same thing to him! LOL Because we never think that what we're doing is rude or controlling. I'm sure you don't decide to control him, but you need to let him know when things bother you, right? And you want things to work as a partnership...but you also have to know (again, I'm speaking from experience) that nothing is ever equal and 50/50. There are going to be times when you're going to have to give up more and times when he's going to have to give up more.



If you love each other, then you know from the bottom of your heart that he's doing stuff to make things better. Of course, you're still allowed to be frustrated with him from time to time. :-p This is a normal relationship.



You can also choose to go to counseling on your own. It might seem like a dumb idea since you want HIM to change, but they might be able to give you some tools to better learn how to deal with these confrontations that you have with your man.



Good luck to you! :-)

Answer 5

You need to decide what you want. I know you said you just want him to be the man he used to be. How long has it been since he's been this way? If it's been more than a few years, you need to accept he's not going to be that man anymore, and decide what you want to do. Do you want to live like this? If you could get away, would you? If the answer is yes, you need to start saving money. Even if it's $5 a week, save it!!!! Once you get some $, wait til he goes to work, and talk to your local police. They can get you into a safe house, whether it's in your town or the next town over. You can start your life over - I know it's scary but you could be HAPPY again. Don't wait until it gets too bad!

Answer 6

I am not sure if you 2 just need to learn how to communicate with each other or if there is any type of mental or physical violence that is taking place. If it is just communication, that can be addressed. Communicating is not what people think. It is listening. People will tell you everything if you listen and ask questions. The better your questions are, the easier it is to get them to see your view. That would resolve the communication.

If it is deeper than that, this conversation takes a different path. I know you have access to the internet because you wrote this question. No one should stay in any relationship that they are mentally and/or physically abused. Your marriage vows saying "for better or for worse", just means you don't let outside forces interfere and you work through issues together. Those issues do not include mental or physical abuse. I don't know if you are a spiritual person or not, but God would not tell his child to stay in that type of situation. The bible says you are to serve your husband as Christ does the church. Christ would never harm the church. So that would mean your husband is not following biblical principles. So God wouldn't expect you to follow anyone or anything that doesn't agree with his teachings. That would be like serving 2 Gods.

What I am getting to is you and your friend that is in an abusive relationship need to get on the internet, find a shelter or program that will take in abused women (and there are programs). You work, so you will have money. Pack your bags and go. Don't use your small town as an excuse. That means you need to relocate. You said you don't have friends or family, so you aren't leaving anyone except your bad situation.

You have to understand how valuable you are. Read books, listen to CD's, find people who are getting results in their life (mentors) that you want and duplicate. As you grow, you will realize that you deserve to be treated like a human being and no one has the right to treat you differently.

Life is full of stories that we write. To us they are the truth. You write happy stories, you are happy. You write sad stories, you are sad. You write stories that I am in a small town and I want to fight for my relationship (even though you feel you are being mistreated), you will continue to stay.

Change your stories, change your feelings, change your actions, change your life.

As you are writing stories, make sure you write that he has personal issues, but he is not willing to address them and that is why you have to move on. I am not for divorce, but it takes 2 people to make a relationship work.

Answer 7

I am very sorry that you are hurting. I think it's time for you to start loving YOU and taking care of YOU. There is nothing that you can do to force him to get help. It's best that you find a way out of this relationship that is hurting you. Yes, it will hurt to leave him because you will miss him but that pain will not be permanent. However, if you stay how long do you predict this pain will endure? (it would be nice to reflect on what exactly you will miss about him). I know you said you don't want to give up but for how long do you plan to keep trying? Its a relationship which implies 2. Therefore 2 should be working on this relationship and if only 1 is trying then what do you call that?



You are placing too much love on him and part of that love should be placed on you. Take care of you. Don't allow you to be treated in that form. Take care of you and give yourself the dignity and respect that you deserve.



Remember that there is nothing you can do to change who he is or what he will do. But its nice to know that you can change your thoughts and your behavior.



Maybe you should consider talking to a therapist. A therapist can help you and refer you to places where help can be provided for you.



Best Wishes

Answer 8

Hi Princy ..



Well some sort of such situations emm .. i wonder where u belongs to later . i think in my suggession better let him to council find some .. Tableegi Group of Muslims there .. The Muslims who Aware the Religion Islam in the world with a Peace full way .. tell them your situation i am sure they would gonna help u .. and maybe council with him thats there Problem don't worry thats not some terrorist Organizations they purely are peacefull and secondly what . can make his temper low is a peace .. so i think u better let him to go there .. Now a Day's Muslims looks Stupid but they are not Really .. iand if u wish me to council him i could send u some peace full ebooks you could download them and read them too and he should do that too

Answer 9

I want to second everything that Just Some Girl said, but I would like to add that it sounds as though you're having some issues with depression yourself and that is another reason to hurry to counselling.

Answer 10

excuses, all the time. grow up be your own woman move away to another state honey. i had to do it lost a good job, house, friends, family. the abuse stopped then i met someone who is mature a real man that respects me for me. its not perfect though he is my best friend has been abused by his ex. so i completely understand where he comes from as being being abused myself in a bad marriage; in the past. he lost a lot yet he gained the strength to tell a women no you can't treat me like this, as i gained the same strength to tell a man no you can't treat me like this no more.



he is my best friend, we live and work together, both of us have our own time together and we are brutally honest no matter what conversation we have. there are no secrets between us.

Answer 11

Wow. Your really dealing with some stuff here, and I'm not even sure you understand the magnitude of it.

Please reconsider your "I don't want to leave him" thingy that you said, go get some counseling, get some of your self esteem back, and be who you want to be.

Good luck to you.

Answer 12

seek out a womans support group in your area

Answer 13

You have two choices here. Stay or go. It's up to you.

Answer 14

Unless he cooperated, one can not do anything.