I've found myself in a real mess?

Question

A girl I work with expressed her interest in me. We went out a few times and I thought were getting along fine. She has a kid with a pretty disturbed ex whose been abusive to her in front of the kid. Her self esteem is not high. Everyone told me I should run a mile but I found myself falling for her pretty quickly. I've just found out that she had decided to give him another chance the week after we had our last date, she says, for the sake of the kid. But she didn't tell me at the time. I'm an idiot for hanging around and feel like I've wasted the last few weeks of my life. I thought I was giving her the time and space to ensure she was ready to move on with me. Now, I don't know whether she just used me to make herself feel better and her ex jealous? Would someone do this? I guess I've found out the hard way not to be so trusting and to get too emotionally attached too soon. The hardest thing to get over is whether she really liked me as much as she says or was I just convenient?

Answer 1

You invested too much emotion in her problems before getting to know her.



It doesn't matter whether she liked you or not, the situation she was in over shadowed everything she said and did.



You never got to know her because her head was filled with all the baggage which is proven by going back to a bad relationship.



You can drop the whole thing, chalk it up to experience and be careful with your feelings next time.



Or, you can wait there for when she fails again to be the "saviour" when she runs away, but you will loose her again because she will go back to the bad relationship over and over.



It isn't your fault. You can't save her. Look for a stable and loving relationship of your own and don't be sucked into her whirlwind of emotions.







g-day!

Answer 2

I bet she did like you as much as she said. I'm sure if she has low self esteem from abuse she doesn't know what she really wants, and she probably didn't do it to hurt you or use you. It's too bad you had to get in the middle of this mess. Getting involved with some one who is just out of a relationhip too quickly is not a good idea. Healing takes a long time and old feelings even longer. Move on, you sound like a good person, just be more careful and wiser next time.

Answer 3

Robbie,



I bet she really did fancy you - very much!!



But, like you said...she's an abused woman with little self esteem. It is unlikely that she has much confidence in any of her choices. She's probably getting back with her abuser because he sold her a song and dance about how he's changed, how great things will be now, it's better for their child, he'll never hurt her again, he's got a great place to live now, etc.,. and she thinks she 'owes' it to him and their child to try once again.



But the only thing that is going to happen for her is that she'll eventually be abused again, by that man.



She didn't get involved with you to 'make him jealous' or to 'make herself feel better'... She just can't think for herself.



When your friends tell you to run a mile from a *bad date*, next time you RUN!



Chalk it up as a learning experience and don't date anyone like her again.



Best of luck to you! Hang in there.

Answer 4

Any person who is in an abusive relationship, finds it hard to break free from that person because they are at an emotional low, she may like you but yet she doesnt have the strength to walk away from the other guy, or she may be afraid to, as she also has a child with him, this makes it all the more difficult, i dont think she used you, i think she seen you as a nice guy who made her feel good about herself for the time you spent together, bit believe me, i have been in an abusive relationship and i lost a friendship with my best friend over her abusive relationship, it is soooo difficult to cut ties with these men, she likes you, but she cant be with you, she just cant leave him, no matter what you say or do, until she has the inner strength to escape him, she will stay.

you have to move on and hope that one day, if she can leave him, you may get a chance, but dont wait for her, it may never happen.

Answer 5

That's such a shame. You sound so much like the type of guy women would love to meet and be with!

I'd say to give her the benefit of the doubt. If I were in her shoes, I might have found it very difficult to make a choice, between that nice bloke I've just met, and the father of my child who's asking for another chance.

People do say better the devil you know, and she must have loved him a lot obviously.

So, it doesn't necessarily mean that she wasn't getting attached to you, or didn't have feelings for you. Maybe she really did try to do what made sense.

But, I'd say you were not an idiot. Please do not change. If anything, if you ever meet another woman in her situation, just be careful not to give too much too soon, but please do not change. You sound like a great guy!xxxx

Answer 6

unfortunately people on the rebound especially where there is some sort of abusive relationship need to feel wanted and it sounds like you was in the wrong place at the wrong time however it sounds to me like you supported her through a difficult time and OK she has made the wrong choice but women who stay in abusive relationships have very low self esteem and tend to cling to what they've got i am sure you comforted her when she needed it and you will find the right person one day

Answer 7

it is possible that she was using you as in my opinion getting with an ex especially an abusive one would be very stupid and the wrong reason to get back with that person. u trusted he and liked her alot but she has let u down and it will take a long time to get over that but dont let this put you off for good as you might miss the right one. good luck.

Answer 8

i guess there are some that would use you to make whomever jealous. but if this guy was abusive to her, she ain't goin back for the child's sake.



you might want to think about what you were about to get involved with. do you want someone to be that emotionally dependent on you? true happiness comes from within and is meant to be SHARED.

Answer 9

Everyone told you to run because they could see the warning signs that you could not. Don't beat yourself up...it's not about you. It's her sh*t.....usually victims of an abuser have a difficult time cutting the strings.



Next time find someone who is unattached.

Answer 10

You really should ask her why she thinks her ex would continue to be a good father when he's already proven otherwise.



Then ask her what's she smoking! Clearly her mind isn't quite focused!



If she gives you any static, just walk away from her.

Answer 11

You got it right she used you to make her feel better and husband JEALOUS!



My suggestion is walk away with your head held high because your a person of QUALITY and that's rare indeed!

I hope you find someone who can really make you happy.

GOOD LUCK!

Answer 12

dont be too hard on yourself robbie, im sure she really did like you, but when you have a kid with someone i think theres always something special there. as the old line goes "its not you..." you sound like a nice bloke , dont let this put you off!

Answer 13

its not that easy to make that break, he will be using the kids as a weapon etc etc, tell her you give her support and will wait a month or so, by seeing you she has commited to the break, its just breaking all them ties

Answer 14

That old chestnut...she used you...move on...

Answer 15

have to agree with splodge, you were there when she felt lonley

Answer 16

be glad it was only for weeks and not years man.....be glad......