Ok..I just need some advice. I've been married for 10 years. I stay at home and my husband works. He also plays in a cover band a few nights a week. My husband is a good guy. At one point I worshiped the ground he walked on. It was really great. We have 3 kids together, and thought we would have a good life. We hit a few snags in our marriage when I let some old friends of mine and their kids move in with us. They destroyed our house, wrecked our car, and it was a huge financial mess. Shortly after that my husband started playing an online game. For about 2 1/2 years, he would work 9-5, come home, and be online by 5:15, where he would stay until about 2am. Me and the kids were invisible. I cried, fought, drank, talked about divorce, begged for counseling, etc..to no avail. Now, our marriage wasn't perfect before this, but it wasn't bad. We were happy. After almost 3 years of being ignored for the computer..I tried to play the game with him. I thought that it could be a bonding thing for us. At that time, we knew a married couple who played as well, so I thought I'd try it. Maybe it would bring us together. It didn't. I was pretty much invisible there too. This was worse though. We would argue, and he would tell me that he didnt love me. He would say that our marriage was probably over, and that there wasnt anything we could do about it. I can't explain why but I started talking to a guy I met in the game world. At first we were just friends. It quickly progressed, and I ended up cheating on my husband. We separated for a year, going on and off about getting back together or getting a divorce. I tried to stop seeing the guy numerous times, and honestly, I didnt love the other guy. I loved my husband, but for some reason, it seemed like I had messed up so many times and hurt my husband so bad that he would never forgive me, so I owed it to this other guy to not back down on promises that I made to him. My husband, for a year, told me that he loved me, he wanted us back, he wanted to work things out. That he understood why I did the things I did. That he could forgive me, and we could move on. He agreed to go to counseling. And so I went back. Things were good for a few months. We started counseling. Then everything changed. One day, he said he didnt think he loved me anymore, that he thought he did and he thought he could forgive me, but he didnt think it was possible now. That he wanted to stay together because of the kids, but that he didnt care about me in the same way anymore. That was 9 months ago. Things in this time have been okay, and sometimes they are bad, but mostly fake. We pretend to others like we are happy, but its pretend. I get nothing back from him emotionally. Sex is rare, and usually because Ive been complaining about how long its been. It doesnt matter what I do, say, wear, look like, etc..he will not compliment me in any way. And I deserve it. It's like he decided to just be my friend after 10 years of marriage, and I cant break through that barrier. I found out in September that I have cervical cancer, or cancerous cells on my cervix to be exact. They didnt say cervical cancer. Just that there are cancerous cells. I probably have to have a hysterectomy. I havent gone back to the doctor yet. I dont know if I can. Secretly, I kinda wish I would die in some way thats not directly my fault. I'm too scared to commit suicide. I dont know how this sounds to you. I didnt know who to blurt this all out to. My biggest secret is that I wish I would just disappear because I cant stand to see the look in my husband's eyes. I love him very much. I really thought we could work this out. I dont know what to do at this point. I pray, but it seems the more I pray, the more my husband rejects God. Im trying to "wait it out" as some say, but its harder to do that than it sounds. I just needed to get this out.