Question:
Should I have a separate account than my husband?
ToriJo
2008-01-10 14:23:08 UTC
I make more money than my husband, but he wants to handle all the finances and be in charge of the checkbook. He knows everything I spend, but gets mad when I ask him what he has spent. I feel like we should divide the bills and keep separate accounts for our money. He is upset and says we're married and it's not right to separate our money. I want to avoid conflict, but keeping the finances the way they are will cause conflict with me too. What do you think?
29 answers:
Ian D
2008-01-10 14:57:58 UTC
I agree with you. However, you are already challenging his male machismo by earning more money than him. Not your fault, but most men are uncomfortable if they are not the bread winners (though they'll never admit it).



Men are biologically programmed to be the providers. So if the wife is the superior provider due to a superior income, a man feels like he's losing control of part of his masculinity. It would be like him demanding to decorate your bedroom. So, the only way in this situation for him to feel important, is to control the money.



Here's what I'd do. If you've been with him long enough to feel sure that he's a financially responsible person, let him feel like the big man and share the checking account. The one condition is that you both agree to stick to a budget and the account you set up together is with a bank that you can go online and check all of the withdrawals, payments and deposits. If he is reasonable and doesn't overspend or take advantage of the money you've earned, let it go.



If he doesn't agree with this, a second option would be to have a joint account that you both deposit an equal amount into just for bills. Let him run that one. Then you have your own account for your spending money and let him have his own.



If he's financially irresponsible, don't agree to let him control any account.



Good luck!
anonymous
2008-01-10 22:26:38 UTC
Do whatever works for you. I personally think having seperate finances is bad for a marriage.



You feel like that because you would be the primary beneficiary. Wouldn't you think my husband would be a jerk if he wanted to do the same thing? He makes a lot more than me - if we did that, he could party and I'd be broke.



I think you put your money into a common account. All family expenses (bills, mortgage, groceries, gas - no matter who's actually buying it) come out of that account. Depending on how tight the rest of the budget is dictates what now. Maybe you each have an "allowance" (i.e. each of you get $100 a week for whatever you want) or each of you can spend at will provided you don't make a major purchase. If you want to have seperate accounts for the purposes of discretionary spending, that's fine. But the money should be even - you are a team here. I think you only feel that the higher earner should get more because it happens to be you.



My husband and I have a rule: you can buy whatever you like as long as it's less than $50 per day (except groceries and such). If more, we need to talk to make sure it's ok. He keeps the books - and tells me when things are kinda tight (i.e. we have only $300 this week for groceries and gas and fun - so don't buy anything we don't need). I tell him what I bought and he balances the books. The process is not hidden from me - sometimes I do it with him, but usually he pounds out the numbers and makes sure the bills get paid.
Lisa b
2008-01-10 22:30:26 UTC
I think you should explain things to him the way you in your question here. If he still wants a joint account, maybe you could agree if YOU handle the finances. If not, I would not let him handle the money. It sounds like he's up to something. And YES you should have your own account and I don't think you should tell him about it. Have the account statements sent to your work or your parents' home, but make sure you keep an account - just in case. Good luck.
Kate
2008-01-10 22:29:58 UTC
My husband and I had three accounts - we each had a seperate personal checking account, and a household account. The bills were paid out of the household account, and we each contributed to it (based on what we made, not an even amount, we found that fair.)



Then, our "own" money we could spend as we pleased.



We did this not to hide money or spending from each other, but because it was so damn hard to keep the checkbook balanced (and not overdrawn) when two people were both writing checks from it, using the debit card, etc.



You might try this, and let him handle the household account and pay all the bills if he wants. Less for you to do!



Good luck,

Kate
anonymous
2008-01-10 22:33:15 UTC
You can take my advice with a grain of salt. You should not be critical of who makes more than the other. Everything in marriage should be a joint effort. Yes, that includes the bank accounts. You should sit down and balance the checkbook and pay bills together. Doing these things together helps the communication in your relationship. Try working together at things instead of dividing them up into individual chores.
Shayna
2008-01-10 22:34:18 UTC
I think having separate finances is a bad idea when you're married. My husband and I have everything together.



We always speak to one another before making larger purchases. We also discuss budgeting together to ensure we're both on the same page with how much extra disposable income we may (or in most cases, may not) have for a particular month.
hononegah1988
2008-01-10 22:48:31 UTC
Well I used to make more than my wife until I switched jobs..to a lot less stress,,,my wife handles the check book and pays the bills...I fill my car up and take so much each week for my self and the wife does for her self to...If I questioned her on ever detail on what she spent she may get mad..I know I would..if she questioned me on everything I spent..We trust each other and our money goes together to pay bills..we have more together later on..

You didn't say anything about if your behind on the bills or if he is doing a bad job taking care of everything...
eeyore6838
2008-01-10 22:32:13 UTC
Hunny, he shouldn't get mad if you are asking questions, it means he wants to keep things form you, NOT GOOD. Yes I have a separate account from my husband and then we have a joint account. I put 2/3 of my money in the joint the rest is mine to do with what I want, which is usually buying clothes for the family and going out to dinner with my family. Good Luck
Lunaeclipz
2008-01-10 22:34:22 UTC
I have a seperate account form my husband ! I think it actually gives you both autonomy when spending as long as the bills are paid-it reduces the time arguing and works well for us-I would not give control over my finances to anyone-I love and trust my husband but my money is mine. We decided who would pay which bills and when they come I write my checks and he writes his! I would be especially leery if he did not tell me where the joint money was going as your husband is.And I would definetly have a savings account that he cant get his hands on no matter what---Good luck to you!
Babs
2008-01-10 22:33:01 UTC
Its up to both of you. My husband and I have joint accounts and we're fine with that. We take turns paying the bills and catching stuff up.

My best friend and her husband have seperate accounts. They divy the bills. He pays mortgage, cars, and insurance. She gets the other bills and groceries. They keep a savings account with his bank and he handles all that - and he saves a lot - its better for them that way because she likes to spend money.



They come together for big purchases and take it out of both of their accounts..



but you have to decide how it will work best for you.
ensoman
2008-01-10 22:37:28 UTC
I would recommend Joint account and learn to trust each other over spending. I would then decide on budgets for categories and both can monitor the account. I do understand when it can be a problem but I think learning to budget is better option.
♥cutemamma♥
2008-01-10 22:30:00 UTC
every couple is diff. If you dont like him handling your money... then tell him so.... he wont like it.. but tell him. Then when you both are calm sit down and talk about how to solve this issue.

If i were you, i would def push to slit every thing down the middle so you both pay the same amount of money.. then you keep your extra cash separate.

But be fair.. if he wants to know what your spending your money on.. then he should be as open as you.. if not then he has no business asking you about your money!
tjnstlouismo
2008-01-10 22:28:15 UTC
Have an account for the household, and then keep your personal money separate. Reality is that if something happens to your husband, you won't be sorry.
Shades
2008-01-10 22:48:59 UTC
We have a seperate account for me because if something were to happen to my husband I think they freeze the accounts with his name as primary person until I have a death certificate to prove that he is dead. Without that account with my name on it I would not be able to pay bills. This happened to my grandmother when my grandfather died. It was a mess:(
♥Kitty♥
2008-01-10 22:44:12 UTC
When me and my hubby got married i didnt want a joint account but he got 1 anyway so he could put money on mine if i needed it.It was a big mistake....NEVER EVER use a joint account....or you can each have your own account and then open a seperate joint 1 for both of you to use.
merle v
2008-01-10 22:37:25 UTC
I think there hould be three accounts one for household expenses, insurance, expenses, loan payments etc. Then each individual should have an account for their own personal spending. neither party should make a major purchase withoutdiscussing it with their partner. the personal account is for things like personal care, lunches, entertainment etc.
Ella
2008-01-10 22:33:34 UTC
This is what I would do.......

Let's say he brings home $1000 a week.

Well, that's all I'd put into the account as well. Even if you bring home $2000 a week, only put in the same amount he does.

The other $1000, put in a separate account with your name on it only. Just have his name on it as a beneficiary.
notyochic
2008-01-10 22:31:18 UTC
i have three:) only because i like save and he doesn't so this way i can save and he doesn't have to know but i still have control over his :) we have also divided bill i only pay the ones that are in my name and he pays the ones that are in his it has been working this way for 6 years and we have never had a problem :)
anonymous
2008-01-10 22:33:25 UTC
maybe consider having both. my husband and i have an account that we share and are visible to each other, but we also have our own personal account so we can take care of our personal expenses and whatnot. we are not involved with each other's personal accounts. we may occasionally talk about it, but we do not try to control it. i think there's still some conflict with the account we share, but i think it was the best solution for us.
kimber g
2008-01-10 23:28:35 UTC
Avoiding something becuase of conflict is never good, spec. if its with your spouse. you both need to solve it.

Having one joined account is good, it makes you both work together, he needs to be willing to trust you and you trust him. it sounds like a trust issue but it's somehting you can't put to the side.
furface
2008-01-10 22:39:32 UTC
that your right about this , the best way is to do it together on a joint account ,but in your case do what ever works he sounds like he may be a control freak .so just do your best
chula
2008-01-10 22:43:41 UTC
Whatever works best for you guys.

I have seperate account from my husband but every month I pay my part.
Rebel Angel
2008-01-10 22:29:08 UTC
well when you are married there's no such thing as his money and your money it's our money



But that goes both ways too. I agree with him it's not right to seperate your money



But he Should be ok with being asked what he spends if he's asking you what you spend



Unless you are overspending then he may have reason to be concerned if not i would say it goes both ways
anonymous
2008-01-10 22:32:00 UTC
Keep your own account and write him a monthly check for your half of the bills.
?
2008-01-10 22:35:24 UTC
I'm sorry, did you have sex before you talked about how to handle money?

Sit down and talk about it, make a choice and live with it.
?
2008-01-10 22:34:00 UTC
Yes! You can bet you *** on this one! Don't let him manipulate you any further. Tell him to stand down or get out. Been there done this. If you do not you will be the one left with nothing and crying. With no one to help you.
timbalita
2008-01-10 22:34:54 UTC
Always have a second plan...no matter who what when where...men can leave us anytime. All the time!! Give your mom or someone you trusted truly, some $$$ every month to save. Do it!. dont wait.
anonymous
2008-01-10 22:30:28 UTC
Why didn't you discuss this before getting married? My hubby and I share our accounts...it is something that you both should agree upon....
mclovin
2008-01-10 22:28:44 UTC
yes divorce rates are up and you dont want to be stuck like britney givin yo money to kfed. economy bad as it is blah!


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