How do I get my spouse to stop being my "provider" more than being my "lover" instead?

Question

My wife has the housewife thing down pat but our sex life has suffered severely because of it. We'll have sex once or twice between each menstrual cycle and during her period she refuses to make me happy so I have to wait 1.5 weeks (sometimes longer up to 4 weeks) to have sex or kum again.

As a provider, she's amazing though. We're in our mid-20's and she'll get the kids to school/sitter, cook dinner, do the laundry, and have enough time to do the dishes... When I get home I try to be as productive as I can too so I'm doing things to keep the stress off of her shoulders. But when the kids go to bed, the provider must recharge her batteries for the next day so she goes right to sleep. It's a never ending cycle. Kind of like a poorly designed robot maid...

As a lover, she'll only have vaginal sex and she'll put effort into making sure I kum but her "faking orgasms" needs some work because I feel nothing in the sex. Not nothing like no love but nothing like she's not into it. So I'll try to foreplay a little with heavy petting and making out but it doesn't improve... When we have sex, it's not fun, it feels more like a chore to her. I can't sense the intimacy at all.

Some differences between us, she could have sex once a year and be happy but I masturbate twice a day to keep up with my sexual hunger so, um yeah... She likes traditional missionary and that's all we'll end up doing, I like to do as many positions that feel good and I especially like it deep (what guy doesn't). She thinks deviating from vaginal sex is a waste of time, I'm interested in even fetish stuff like deepthroat and toys so obviously we're different here too. She's not willing to dress up to strike sexual arousal (and by dress up, I mean not wearing loose fitting t-shirts where I can't see her boobs or loose fitting jeans so I can't see her a$$ or skirts/heels so I can see her legs) and of course I'm a dude and I wear what she likes when she tells me...

I had a nice long talk with her tonight about how she needs to work on being my lover and not my provider and she said she's going to work at it but she doesn't know where to begin... To be honest, I don't either. I mean I can't expect her to want to wear mini skirts in public and have sex in a public restroom right away.

Help me, treat the advice like I need to train a prude christian girl to become a pornstar vixen who's a sex addict because that's pretty much what I'm going for...

Answer 1

i know where you are coming from on this but i am trying to do the opposite of what ur saying, he whants to have sex all the time and not provide right. i am kinda tired of him always wanting sex and not being a good provider, he is stengie with his money and makes me buy all my stuff when i have my own money which is hard since he gets all the money and not me. i only get what my grandparents send me!! i hate that. but i do hope that she can get over this not giving u sex kinda thng becuse there has to be a balance between the two , which im trying to do .

Answer 2

I love what Big Dan had to say about this, and I think he's right on. Here's a mothers take on your problem. I have 2 children, an 18 year old in college and a 14 year old still at home.



Your wife is spending all her time and energy into being a mother, provider and nurturer. You speak of the kids in the plural form, which leads me to believe there's at least 2 of them. I can't begin to tell you how hard it is for a woman to shut off the mother role, even long enough to have sex. Getting her out of the environment will help more than you can imagine.



As a woman, I can also tell you that the women I know who don't like to have sex, don't experience orgasms when they do have sex. You even said she fakes orgasms. Why are you both satisfied with that? Because I can promise you, if I didn't have an orgasm when my hubby and I have sex, it wouldn't be much fun for me either. Learn what you need to do in order for her to reach a climax. I can give you one hint, it's probably not going to be strictly by vaginal intercourse. You have to find her clitoris, that's the equivalent on a woman to the tip of your penis.



You also are probably going to have to lose your porn star image of what a healthy sex life is--you're basically giving your wife WAY too much to live up to. She knows it subconsciously as well, which isn't making her feel any more confident with you in the bedroom.



You guys might also benefit from counseling. Books can help as well, and there are books that are written from a Christian perspective on the subject of marital sex.



Like every other area in marriage, you guys are going to have to learn to compromise. You agree to lose your porn star image, and she agrees to try a couple of new things. Maybe even buy her a nice piece of lingerie (nothing skanky, but very feminine and pretty) and ask her to put it on for you. Spend your time with her pleasing her, rather than focusing on what you're not getting out of it. I promise you, your sex life will be amazing if you do that. It will become more than porn star sex, you'll be making love--and that's the absolute best.



I wish you both all the best.

Answer 3

Young man you have a lot of work to do! First, get a sitter for a Special week end away from home. Go to a secluded get-away, without too much fanfare regarding activities. You mention she's shy, so be patient. She probably can't relax at home worried the kids will walk in or interrupt. Start out with some bubbly, chocolate covered strawberries

massage oils and set up a very romantic atmosphere. Most important take your time and don;t rush her, sometimes shy women just need extra time to allow themselves to get aroused. Make it her night to feel the Love. Worry about you some other night. Talk to her lovingly, don't make her feel too much like a lady in bed, make her feel like she's the sexiest woman you have ever been with. Then let her lead you where she wants to go! Remember patience! but gentle sternness to get to where you want her to go. Hopefully you will both go to the same place in your emotions. Good Luck

Answer 4

We have three kid that are now all grown and out of the house. We went through some similar cycles. Get her out of town for a few days and start working on being lovers. Once she is away from her responsibilities with the kids and the house she might just turn into a tiger.



Also, focus on getting her to O prior to you getting yours. Remember it is better to give than to receive however if you give properly you will receive 10 fold.



She just needs to discover her own sexuality. You on the other hand need to take it slow and work on one thing at a time. Don't take her out of town and expect to get her to try everything all at once. Start with pleasuring her and once that is complete ask her to try something new.



It can be as simple as this. I took my wife to the next town, 30 miles away for an overnight in a decent hotel. She started to dress for dinner and I asked her to wear a long dress (because I knew this would make her self conscience in a short skirt) and not wear any panties. We had a couple of glasses of wine and I began to pay attention to her inner thigh.



Remember, your wife is not a blow up doll. Spend some time romancing her and it should pay off. My wife was almost the church lady and now she loves to experiment. Good luck.

Answer 5

I didn't have to read the whole book here to help you. Just because she's the home maker doesn't mean you can come home and have her do all the work then have sex with you. HELP OUT when you get home tell her to sit down and relax. Run a warm bath for her and tell her you will finish the rest of the choirs. Then and only then you may get what you want.

Answer 6

If you wanted a "...porn star vixen who's a sex addict..." for a wife, why did you marry a "..prude christian girl..."? It is unfair of you to want her to change that much, just because you now want her to.

She is a great provider and makes sure you get your bit, even though you don't do it for her, and think she's the one at fault? You want her to do more of the things you like - deep throat and fetishes, but she's getting nothing out of it now? No bloody wonder its only once in a while!

How would you feel she wanted you doing something over and over, for her pleasure alone, if it held nothing for you? You don't seem to be too clued into how to make HER feel loved, because your too selfish!

Answer 7

I'm going to be flat out honest with you, so get ready to be hit hard.



You seem to be obsessed with sex, sex, sex! No wonder your wife is turned off and doesn't want it. YOU CALL HER THE PROVIDER!!! Ya I guess so if she holds down a job, does all the housework, cooking, and takes care of the kids and oh ya, you try to be productive when you come home. What is there for you to do? SHE ALREADY DID EVERYTHING!!!



If marriage meant I had to be superwoman, I wouldn't want sex with you either. You talk about what you want, what you need, what you gotta have and what she needs to do for you and give you. You sound like a really needy man. Maybe if you stopped whining and started doing HALF of all the work around the house, your wife wouldn't be so tired and she might start to feel a desire to have sex with you. She might actually enjoy sex if you learned how to please her in the bedroom, instead of just worrying about how she can please you.



By the way, sex in a public bathroom? Aren't you the romantic one.

Answer 8

Unfortunately love doesnt pay the bills..Why did you marry her? It seems that you guys have no compatibility in the bedroom at all.. Did you test the waters before you married or after... sounds like your screwed and tattooed my friend.. You know they offer sex addiction counseling if your interested or you can see a sex therapist together..

Answer 9

i fully understand you,,, same going on here too,,, except my husband does nothing to help with my chores,, we have 4 kids, i do everything here, and i feel like a maid,,, not a sexy wife



its hard to change your wife,, unless things change at home, u seem to b helping,,, maybe cos your kids r still young?,,good luck , hope it gets better for you too xxxx

Answer 10

Its all over for you she has came down with the Dreaded Marriage and Motherhood Syndrome for which there is no Known Cure!!!!!