Am I a total loser and a hypocrite, should I just leave and put everyone out of their misery?

Question

I have 3 teens. Last night I came in after a day of work, running kids to events, lugging crates of clothes to sell at a fundraiser for one of the events and I was on edge because 1. my son was upset about a situation at school and 2. my daughter chose to yell at me because she had left her music on the floor of my fundraising booth and I didn't pick it up and bring it home (haha!)

I admit, I was edgy and told my husband what my daughter had done and said to me. I should have just held the line with her, but I got upset.

This morning my husband was a lunatic. He has times when he is a lunatic. The kids went off to school upset and angry, again. The only day this week they have left and not been upset was the one day my husband was not around.

On the advice of a friend, I called my husband, made sure he had a couple of minutes, and told him that the continual upset in the house makes me sad.

He flipped and started yelling at me. He told me he is sick of me, sick of my criticism (I had not criticized, but made a point to only express how I felt), told me I need to look into my own heart, that I am the problem.

I have a retainer with the attorney and want to file. We simply cannot work together any more. There is a small apartment down the street that I could take today. Should I just leave and make everyone deal with it? Or am I the problem?

Answer 1

NO. Don't be ridiculous. You need time for YOU. Your family sounds like it could use a little family counseling too. Why not look into it? If you are so unhappy, how about a trip to the doctor's? Maybe an anti-depressant? What I'm saying is take matters into your own hands. Don't just run away from it all. Don't do anything rash. Decisions made like that are never good. Take one thing at a time and address it. Take one thing you can do to better things and apply it to your lives. Start there...one thing at a time. Get a therapist's help too!

Answer 2

I don't know enough about you to say if you are the problem. What I would do, is ask yourself to write down how you think you "could be" the problem.



Are you trying to do too much? Are you obsessed with being supermom? If you do not have enough energy and time, then you need to not take on so much.



I'm not saying its ok for your husband to be a lunatic, but children need a calm home to grow up and feel secure in, otherwise they just end up staying away more and more, and tend to make bad choices while they are gone.



I hope you find some middle ground. Perhaps holding off on the lawyer, and going to a counsellor, with or without your husband should be your first step? If you really feel you need some space, try to get rid of some of your many obligations and take some time for yourself. Even a weekend, or a day if that is all you can manage. Make some lists about what you think is wrong, what upsets you, what makes you happy, what you want changed, and what you like about your life right now. Good luck!

Answer 3

I know how you feel...everyone's life is like that some days.



Sounds like your family has ZERO appreciation for you.



Based on what you said, you are NOT the issue. But you do need to get some control over your schedule in order to spend more time w/ your children and so you don't lose your mind.



You just feel like you are getting beat up from every angle. The kids are pissed when they leave in the morning, pissed when they get home, your husband is pissed at you, the dog pooped on the floor (oops, that is my life, not yours!! j/k) all the while you are just trying to do stuff for them and other people, and you can't do any better than you are.

Answer 4

I think it's time for you to move on.. He is obviously not interested in how you feel or how to fix the problems. If you can afford the apartment on your own and if it will make things better for you and your kids then do it. Take the apartment come home talk to your kids about what you have decided and start packing up your stuff and theirs and leave. If you think there will be a problem with you taking stuff while he is home, then do it while he is at work and have family members help you take your stuff out. It's faster if you have help. Good Luck...

Answer 5

No. Do not leave. If you leave you will be taking the problems with you not solving them.



The first issue that you need to deal with is communication with your husband. Make a date with your husband NOW to sit down at a neutral place and talk with each other. No distractions, cell phones, people, anything. Just the two of you. Beforehand, write down the issues as you see them. Make a resolve to work together as a team.



As a team, prioritize the problems. Discuss each child's problems or issues.



Take a deep breath and relax. Believe me, if you approach it without so much hysteria, this will probably just be a blip one day on the radar screen that is your life. Good luck to you.

Answer 6

I would definitely seek counseling before leaving. Is there anyone you can talk to?

I know you feel that maybe if you just dropped it all and left, your family would realize how much you actually do for them.

You may just need a short break. Why don't you talk to the family as a whole with a mediator and tell them how you are feeling?

You're not a loser. Don't put yourself down. You can get the help you need for you and your family!!

Answer 7

You are a couple, you are a family. Take a step back and reread what you asked us.



We all get on edge about something. The tension in a family is tough, and you may need to look at the possibility that no one is without blame.



Have another conversation with your husband, explain that you are not perfect, and have done things to contribute to the overall anxiety of the household. Explain you want to work harder for him and the children, and that you are willing to works at it, but you need his help. ( if this goes well then the two of you do a similar thing whit the children )

Answer 8

Teens are morons sometimes - I should know I am one :). I know I sometimes blame my parents for things that are stupid and an accident or my fault, but I've grown up enough now to recognize it and apologize later, most teens don't have that ability. They will get over it eventually - it's not your fault.



Your husband however is supposed to support you when it comes to the giant mood swings that are youth. Althuogh arguements happen in relationships the word lunatic should not be a descriptor. You aren't the problem, your kids aren't the problem. I personally think that your husband is the problem. He is flipping out on you for something that isn't your fault and you should work out as a team. If you feel you need to leave him that's your own personal feeling but why punish yourself and your kids for his issue. Don't leave - kick HIM out.

Answer 9

Ok sadly alot of Moms have too much on them these days. Your daughter was respo. for her music sheets. She needs to learn that. You were not for that matter. Hubby's don't like to be called at work over things most of the time. He doesn't understand why you are so unhappy. Criticism is a trained in you from your parent. It's easy to dish out if you were dished out too when you were growing up. Don't run. Try to cool it down. Thing about it is you need time for yourself!

Do some fun things you like to do. At least 2 times a week. What ever it is, bowling, spa, something. Find a friend to hang out with, go shopping, out to eat lunch or supper. You need a girls nite out. Your child that yelled at you needs to be corrected that was disrespect. I'd take the band away from her till she could grow up enough to be in the darn thing. Her music is for her to keep up with. I played in the band from 6th grade till 10th grade. Years ago. I kept up with my on music. Children yelling at parents? Where did that come from. You need time to chill. Husbands don't come with hand books how to do anything. Just wing it. You were just unloading and he wasn't responding the way you needed. Just a huge miss understanding. You might want to suggest getting a trust worthy person to help run kids 2 days a week around so you can have some (ME) time. Please don't run away, you will hurt deeply for years and your family will suffer.

Answer 10

Most likely you are the problem...clearly there is a huge communication barrier between everyone in your house. If you want to be a selfish coward, run from the situation and get the apartment. Do you really think this is the best possible solution? I argue with my wife from time to time and in the heat of the moment things can get nasty. My point is that I love my wife to death and no matter how bad we argue by the end of the day I married her because I am in love with her and nothing will change that. We have a child and no matter what mood he is, in I know it is...and forever will be...our responsibility as parents to fix the situation.



Sounds to me that you dont know how to effectively deal with the stress in your life and the most appealing option is to run away. Unless your husband is abusing you, it makes no sense to abandon your family...it actually will make things much worse.

Answer 11

Sounds to me as if you are running away from things you wish not to deal with. Appears that you cannot be firm with any of your family and mean it, you seem to have an issue with assertiveness. Moving on will not solve it, giving up will not help you.



When you write, I notice that all is everyone else"s problem, not yours, learn to take responsibility for the things you set in motion, for the situations you help to create.



This is all about your being in peri-menopause and your desire to finally take charge of your own life. That in itself is a good thing, do it slowly, your husband and family will benefit from you going for counselling, it will make you a better person. Fix yourself first, or at least try you will be much happier as a result.



If later on you still feel that there is too much going on to cope with, pare it all down, teenagers, menopause, the weather, finances, relationships all take their toll on your quest for self hood, give it some time.

Answer 12

A. you are clearly unhappy . B .. There is no communication in a positive manner ... C. Everyone seems to sweat the small stuff. D. there are alot more issues here than we will ever know ... E .... How can you live with ppl that critizize your every move ?... Do you do that? Seems 1 step at a time is in order or ...walk away and be happy .

Answer 13

I think there are 4 people in you house that are the problem. You need to stop whining about all the things people don't do and start initiating the change for them to help you do things. I know it sounds like I'm being mean, but the truth of it is you guys are a family and it sounds like you're going thru a tough time because you're not working together, you're working against each other. You have 3 teens who should be responsible for themselves. Your daughter left her music and she needs to deal with it. You need to let your son know you understand he had a bad day, but that's no reason to take it out on you and the rest of the family because you aren't the cause of his bad day. Your husband is entitled to be frustrated, I will admit. But yelling and blaming isn't going to get things done or keep the family unit mellow. You could just file and leave and walk away. But I truly don't think you want to because if you did, you wouldn't have come onto Yahoo! Answers to get our okay about it. You want to work this out and it's okay to reach out for help. Sit down and write your feelings out for yourself. Write down what is bothering you, what you think you can change (with help) and what you can let slide. Then when your husband gets home, you two need to talk. And you need to really listen. What is he saying that frustrates him? Does he feel like you're too demanding? What about? This is your time to listen so don't let it get to the point where you're piping up about what he doesn't understand and what isn't happening. Once you're done listening, let him know that you've been thinking and things have got to change, but that it won't happen if you're not on the same page. Then you two need to work on what you can to make this flow better. Outline the rules that are important for your kids. Make a schedule. Enlist outside help if needed. Most of all I want you two to make time for yourselves individually and as a couple. It sounds to me like you're two overwhelmed adults with three active (but not always maturely active) teenagers and things have gotten scattered. I won't lie and say this isn't a lot of work, but you know what at the end of the day when you lay your head down on your pillow you need to be able to sleep knowing that you're trying, he's trying, and that collectively you're doing the best you can.

Answer 14

I like how you put in the title "Am I a total loser", yet criticize everyone in your family for the entire length of what you wrote. Why don't we hear what your husband meant by that? Obviously he didn't pull it out of his butt. And I don't think that he "flipped" if he's saying words like " look into your heart". Seems pretty nice to me. Maybe you really are the problem! You are talking about running away from your entire family because it's stressful. Most families are.

Answer 15

yes why stay with someone you can not get along with! lol...that sounds funny huh! we all be single at least once a week! no don't leave everyone has stress in there life...it seems like you and ur husband need to sit down and talk! before thinking of leaving but you know what best yourself so you have to make up ur mind on that!

Answer 16

To be honest on what you have said I think your family needs family counseling. So before you make it worse by moving and making them feel like you are running out get help 1st then make your decision. Maybe then it might be you or you and your family have to find a new way to communicate.

Answer 17

It sounds like you are both under stress. Raising teens and holding down a job are not easy. Have you tried marriage counseling? Perhaps a trial separation would help you both to see things clearly.

Answer 18

this is one of the great mysteries of women: we live in the same house (maybe) sleep in the same bed, care for the same kids-but you decide to CALL us and discuss these things instead of discussing in person. phones are conveniences, not avoidance tools.



discuss with your girl that she is responsible for her own things, and if she leaves them on the floor at school or anywhere else for that matter-it's her fault and she should come up with a solution to it. ask your husband for help with the fundraiser and kids. my wife overcommits to eveything yet never asks for help but maybe that is because she wants to be supermom in front of the other moms-who knows.



good luck

Answer 19

Have you tried Family Counseling? I would try that first before running from your ENTIRE family. Concering your devorce, judges don't look kindly on adandoment.

Answer 20

there will be good times and bad get counseling as a group family is the most important thing.

Answer 21

You should leave and file for divorce. You are not the problem, the problem is shared by both of you. One is never the total fault! Good luck with your new life!

Answer 22

first off... thats your family youre talking about here.



have you tried counseling?



have you tried alternative methods of comunication...like letters?



have you tried not talking for like 2 days see how they manange?



there are alternative solutions...



running away is the last of them.

Answer 23

i don't think running away will solve your problems. don't let everyones bad day affect you. you're stronger than that. sit everyone down to have a family meeting and talk it out.

Answer 24

Seek family counseling or marriage counseling. Don't give up just yet. Try EVERYTHING to make it work.

Answer 25

no.... it sounds like everyone in the house in the problem.

u all need to sit down and talk together!

goodluck

<3

Answer 26

Well now we know why your kids are the way they are...it all falls on your husband, get the divorce the sooner the better and get him out of the house NOW, have your attorney make that part of the deal, he goes and he goes NOW. Get him OUT of ALL your lives, he is a total asshole.

Answer 27

Maybe you should spend less time fundraising and more time dealing with the family.

Answer 28

Give it some time before you make a rash decision like that. If he is still upset tonight or later in the week tell him how you feel about the situation and ask him what you should do.



Please answer my question. Thanks you.

Answer 29

lol sounds like a normal part of a marriage. Jeez why would you divorce over a music player or something stupid like that, stick with your hubsand and work things out.

Answer 30

Why are you relying on the opinion of a bunch of people you don't know? Have you had councilling?

Answer 31

wait it out. your children don't deserve to be put through this. when you make any decision, you need to put your children first instead of yourself.

Answer 32

Run Run Run

Answer 33

why do you have a male name, but a female avatar?

Answer 34

YES!!!!

Answer 35

Yeah, do it.