Question:
Should I worry if my wife is always reading erotic romance novels? ?
2019-11-01 20:54:53 UTC
I don't even try to snoop what she reads but she obviously has an obsession with them that she tries to hide or downplay. Sometimes I'll walk in and she closes the book or turns off the tablet. I have noticed some of the novels are themed around lying and affairs. I worried that she was cheating years ago. She denied it. She recently admitted to only kissing another guy right before we got married.
Seven answers:
Calvin James Hammer
2019-11-03 09:03:51 UTC
I don't think you need to worry. Love your wife, and kick the romance up a notch with flowers and dinner.
?
2019-11-03 08:05:51 UTC
Many women read romantic fiction, but it doesn't mean that they will cheat on their husbands or that they can't tell the difference between fiction and reality. But it does point to one thing: a lack of passion in their lives. Fantasy is a form of escape, escape from a dull, boring, and uneventful life. This is not to say that you are boring, but it's clear that your wife craves to feel alive, to be moved by passion, to lose herself in the intensity of love-making. Most women who are inclined to cheat, won't waste their time satisfying their erotic needs through romantic novels. It is usually the ones who can't bring themselves to cheat that find an escape through erotic fantasy. But this is not to say that it can't happen, once the eros (erotic energy) has left a marriage anything can happen. If you do not try to bring it back, then it will be directed onto another person of the opposite sex (and this applies to you as well, people don't have a choice over who they feel powerfully attracted to). The erotic force is one of the most potent forces in existence and has tremendous momentum and impact. The soul is constantly searching for wholeness and fulfillment through union with another person, and eros is what guides this process - it is the doorway to transformation because it forces us to search for soul union - even if it's with another partner. So when a complete soul union fails to happen in a marriage, eros leaves and looks for another person to fixate its lust on. The alternative is to just let yourself die (i.e. deaden your heart, deaden your lust, and remain in a dull, lifeless marriage). So, in conclusion, your wife reading erotic novels is not a sign that she's cheating or about to cheat on you, rather, it is a sign that her eros is still very much alive and you need to up your game in order to have a more fulfilling and lasting marriage.

P.S. It wouldn't be fair for me to conclude without giving you the solution: The main element in the erotic force is adventure, the search for the knowledge of the other person (and this is why a woman you're just getting to know is more exciting that the wife you know too well). So, it is the curiosity to know the other being that strengths erotic love in a marriage. As long as there is something new to find in the other person and as long as you reveal yourself too, eros will live. The moment you believe you have found all there is to find, and have revealed all there is to reveal, eros will leave. There can never be a point when you know your wife entirely, for the human soul is endless and eternal. The person you know today, is not the person you know tomorrow. This might seem scary, but there can be no adventure for the person who is afraid to explore and prefers the constancy of the known over the excitement of the unknown. In any case, you will never be able to prevent change, because the soul is in constant change and movement by its very nature. So, open yourself to exploring the depths of your wife's soul and psyche and the excitement will never end. Eros will return to your marriage and she will throw away those romance novels (who needs them when there's so much to discover in you?).
?
2019-11-03 00:41:19 UTC
I read a lot of horror and true crime and I've yet to become a killer clown of either the Pennywise or Gacy kind. Sometimes escapism is just escapism (and the reason she hides it is because most people find romance novels pedestrian and badly written).
RP
2019-11-01 22:20:25 UTC
Different people have different tastes in reading, as well as many other interests and subjects of fascination. Within the world of erotica, there are so many variations and, barring questions about fidelity, as well as absent suspicious behavior, there is no reason for concern. At the same time, she is entitled to privacy in that regard, just as you are and, if she doesn't care to explain her likes, it shouldn't matter to you.
Steve
2019-11-01 21:51:57 UTC
No. Worry when she stops reading them.

That probably won’t happen until the endgame, anyway. You might not still be alive at the time. 

Find out what authors she likes, and buy her new works of theirs periodically.
KISS MY GRITS
2019-11-01 21:35:47 UTC
be happy........................................
Ana
2019-11-01 21:25:52 UTC
I will answer your question completely, and try to address each point.



As for her reading the novel, in and of itself, by itself... One can't really get mad at her for reading fiction, any more than they can be mad at guys for watching porn about gangbangs, hot 18 year old sexy teens squirting, etc. Lol. Women are emotional, men are visual, this is nature.



As for "Is she cheating?": I'm divided on the "Is she probably cheating?" question *but only as it relates to the romantic/cheating novels*. For one, her reading those novels COULD indicate she wants to cheat. However, it could also be argued that "If she was cheating, why would she need to read a damn book about it? She could be ACTUALLY DOING IT." So really, that question goes both ways.



However, she's likely cheating but based on other criteria and the fact that 50% of wives cheat in general, especially sketchy ones. Read on.



If she cheated on you before you got married though, that definitely shows she's a cheater and disloyal. The only question is, how badly and how often will she be disloyal? Also, cheaters always will try to downplay their cheating. If she admits to kissing him, then it really means she did some making out and touching (at the very least), and she MOST LIKELY went all the way and had some wild raunchy sex with him. She probably felt guilty (or felt she'd be caught) so she wanted to ease her guilt by "confessing"... but, like most women, she confesses to a much lesser crime, to make you think less bad of her and make you less likely to dump her before the wedding.



Ultimately, I think it's likely she's cheating (I mean, half of all married women cheat, so your wife is definitely more than 50% likely to be cheating, based on what you said here).



HOWEVER, the real question is, what can you prove in court? And secondly, DO YOU want to divorce her? Do you even WANT to know if she's cheating? Is your goal that, by catching her and confronting her, you can regain some control in the relationship and prevent her from cheating in the future by taking proactive steps to monitor her behavior so that she cant cheat sneakily? (This actually is a good idea, and I actually do all of this to stop my husband from cheating, and it works. Read on to find out what I'm talking about specifically.)



IF you want to know, then hire a private investigator. Then you can either cheat on her back without feeling bad or worrying she could use it as a reason to dump you... (just consider it a "secret open marriage"...) OR, you could use it to divorce her... OR, you could confront her with it and use it to regain some control of the marriage.



Some good ways to regain control of the marriage is to basically say "Hey babe, I found you cheating. Here's the proof. We have 2 options here. 1, I divorce you and take everything, or worse, I'll annul the marriage based on marriage fraud since you never loved me. Or 2, if you genuinely want to change, and genuinely admit you have a sex/cheating addiction and want to change and be a good person, then you will WILLINGLY allow me to have some proof and reassurance you're not cheating, by letting me do a few steps."



The steps should be:



-She doesn't go places without you, without you approving and knowing exactly where she is going. NO SECRETS. Not even on casual trips or driving. Period.



-You guys both buy iphones, so you can track her location at all times via the "Find my Iphone" app. and if she has the audacity or stupidity to turn her "find my iphone location" off, then you AUTOMATICALLY KNOW AND ASSUME that she is cheating. And she will be punished accordingly.



-She doesnt go out with female friends without you. She doesnt go visit friends without you, especially late at night. She only hangs with female friends for respectable events, during the daytime, and you are free to come along at any time. And if she doesnt allow you to come, then shes not allowed to go, plain and simple. (And if she CLAIMS her friends wont allow you to come, then its the same result, you dont allow her to go.)



-She allows you to download MOBISTEALTH on her phone, which allows you to see ALL of her app data, her texting and calling data, etc.



-She allows you to have a password "parental control" on her phone, which prevents her from downloading OR deleting apps, without YOU inputting that hidden code. (This way, it stops her from, for example, being able to download Tinder when you're not around, and then delete it before she comes back home. This way, she cant install or remove any phone programs without you.)



-You monitor all the credit and debit card bills and NOT letting her have any cash in hand to use (I recommend only using debit not credit for good financial success purposes LOL, only use credit cards in tiny amounts to build credit, but try to live below your means, save and invest, and only spend in cash/debit (in her case just debit since she is not trustworthy), but that's a topic for another answer). The purpose of monitoring all cards and bills is to prevent her from, for example, buying a secret phone, or paying a male gigolo, or doing anything unscrupulous with her money that you would want to know about.



IF SHE AGREES TO ALL THESE TERMS, THEN YOU KEEP HER... IF NOT, THEN YOU DUMP HER...



but IT ALL STARTS WITH GETTING SOME LEGAL PROOF OF HER CHEATING. YOU WILL NEED TO PAY A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR. (PAY IN CASH SO SHE DOESNT KNOW THAT YOU ARE ON TO HER.) IF YOU DONT GET SOME DOCUMENTED VIDEO AND PHOTO PROOF OF HER CHEATING, THEN YOU WONT BE ABLE TO ENFORCE THIS.



(Note: I dont cheat on my husband back, and he hasnt cheated ever since we got married, but he cheated when dating. I dont recommend cheating to "get even". But if she did cheat, I know that some men feel they need to "get even" at least once to retain their manhood. If you feel that way, then do it, and be up front with her from day 1. "Honey, also a condition is that I get sex from someone else JUST ONE TIME, since you already cheated yourself. If you can dish it, you can take it. I cannot remain in the marriage if you are gonna f*ck other men and then not let me f*ck another woman just one time so that we are even, fair and square. I hope that is ok with you. If not, too bad, you shouldnt have cheated if you dont like that." HOWEVER AGAIN... I'm not sure that will solve anything long term, but for men, sometimes it just feels so damn good that they have to. )


This content was originally posted on Y! Answers, a Q&A website that shut down in 2021.
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