Why does my wife need closure on an old relationship?

Question

Within the past month I have found out that my wife of almost 20 years had an online affair with an old boyfriend. It lasted for probably 5-6 months.

I have chosen to forgive her. I love her way to much to throw our relationship away. We have had talks and in a nut shell she has said she is committed to me and our 2 kids. I do believe her.

In one of our conversations she has told me she thinks she needs closure from that old relationship. Not having that closure is the reason she contacted him and it led where it did. I get that. However I struggle with it. I know that closure consists of contacting him again asking questions. I told her if closure is what she needs then I support her seeking it as long as she promised me I am what she wanted.

The more I think about it though the more I am bothered by the closure thing. I dont understand why I guess. its been 20 years. We have two kids, a house, and a life time of memories. I dont understand why she just cant forget about it and love whats right in front of her. Its tearing me up inside and I dont know what to do.

I love this woman so much. I know I havent been the perfect husband but I also know I didnt deserve this. My heart is heavy. Anyone have any advice? Please dont be assholes.

Answer 1

Of course it hurts. It was hurtful, even though you were not the target. There is a time or two, in nearly everyone's lives, where they get caught up a bit in drowning in the riptides of old dreams and what could have been. Your wife likely wanted to convince herself that she wasn't being unfaithful to you while indulging herself in an old, old painful dream. Desires often equal delusions.



If she's telling you that she STILL needs MORE "closure" with this old boyfriend she's been having on-line funny business with for 5-6 months I think an appropriate response is, "That's Ridiculous! You have crossed well over the line and do not keep doing it." More "Closure" than what the last 5-6 months brought do not belong in a marriage.



If you want to accept that this came down, is over and the two of you are left standing... then do so and I hope it works out well for you. That would be okay. Long marriages only last because we are committed to them!



Time to have a real talk about what ELSE is going on. There's more to it, at least for her. WHY she felt the need to start this sort of an interaction with an old lover is well worth discussing.

Answer 2

I hate the idea of telling you what I think, because what I think might be painful.



I don't think your wife has this guy out of her system yet, and if she has much more contact with him, the affair will probably begin again.



First of all, she needs to define exactly what "closure" means. Does she want to know why they're not together anymore? Because that's obvious: because she has chosen to remain with her husband and family. So that's question number 1: What is "closure?"



Question 2 is "why?" She chose to remain with her husband and family, so what good could possibly come from continuing any sort of contact with this guy? None at all. The best way she can re-commit to her family is to sever all contact immediately with this guy, forever. THAT is closure. Anything less means she isn't ready to renew her commitment to her family. If she really has moved on, and tried to put this behind her, then she shouldn't need any closure with the other guy. But this desperate need to be in contact with him is toxic to your relationship, and to your family life.



I would bet that if you pinned her down about it, she would admit that she still loves him, and still wants to be with him. Although I truly hope that I'm wrong. Hang in there!

Answer 3

I'd understand if the relationship between you two was a couple of months in, but 20 years is very odd. Was her relationship with the ex a significant one? Are you sure this online affair hasn't been going on for more than 6 months? Sounds very dodgy to me. I'd be very cynical.

I suggest marriage counselling, as there are obviously underlying issues that haven't been disclosed, and I have a hunch she's not telling the absolute whole truth - If I was in her position, I would put everything that happened in the past behind me, especially after marriage and kids. I'm sure anyone would.

Speak to her first and suggest counselling, as it's a very hazy situation and it's tearing you apart. If she still has faith and is determined to make this work, then she'll commit. If not, then you'll have to consider an ultimatum.

Answer 4

There is no closure because she really wanted to marry him instead of you!!! For 20 years she has been thinking about him and why it did not work because she never stopped loving him!!! She settled for you and you could not replace the feeling she had with him so she contact him!! Now she coming 20 years later with this closure stuff, SERIOUSLY??? Its probably because they have always been in contact off and on since you met her so its hard for her feeling to go away!!! When they hook up blame yourself for believe in that lie she told you about closure!!! If he lives anywhere near her, they are getting some closure alright!!



IN BED!!!



FYI, have you ever had an ex contact you after it was over? If so, you knew you could sleep with her if you wanted too!! Well, his ex contacted him!!



THINK ABOUT!!!



Not trying to be an @sshole!!

Just trying to open your eyes!! Try telling her you need closure from an ex and see if she supports you!!! I doubt it!!!

Answer 5

Sounds like we have the same problem. Except I am a woman. I had a relationship that ended abruptly, nearly 10 years ago and I find myself being consumed by thoughts of my ex, not in a sexual way, but more, I don't know, spiritually, emotionally. Ignoring it doesn't help, and if I could contact my ex I would, for the simple fact that it may help me to realise why we split in the first place and give me some sort of closure. I don't think your wife would understand, I know my hubby wouldn't and it is wise to proceed with caution, because you have a lot at stake. You could try counselling, if you are honest and can find a good counsellor it may help.... I wish you luck.... confused too..

Answer 6

I think Chris, this is far more common than you might realize. I recall a similar feeling...Oh I ended it alright - long ago and far away...Then? DID marry "the love of my life". I was restless later on...Annoyed, actually. This guy professed to love me and I spent my youth in a relationship with him, the only one ever. Turned out? He screwed around behind my back with EX-friend(S) He thought I didn't know or wouldn't find out. When it blew up? I had my say and walked away. For whatever crazy reason? Almost, 20 years later, he was at a reunion and I contacted him hoping I would see him there (stupid, I should have just gone and taken my chances) He thought it was for a rendezvous and when I realized that? Wow. I realized how very, very stupid I was because what I REALLY WANTED was to rub in his face I'd married the REAL LOVE of my life; had a family; a successful career and looked like a "million dollar babe". Oh the "webs we weave". So I played it that way and simply said, "I actually just wanted you to see my life turned out in SPITE of the great betrayal and wrong you did me all those years ago..." I smiled he looked aghast and mumbled "sorry" and walked away. The point is?



I carried this "unrequited" desire to SHOW and TELL to spite him and actually, it did work. My husband and I later had a discussion about it, since there was a "girl" in his past he had an encounter with (the great part about that? She was 150 pounds heavier when he saw her and ANY feeling of the past, if there was any, was utterly dismissed...I think he was in shock!)



Your wife may have some unresolved issue with something he said OR what he did during their relationship OR how it broke apart...This Chris, is very often what counseling serves to do. I wish I HAD thought about when I did get some marriage counseling, but it wasn't about anything like this issue of longstanding.



Maybe she would benefit by going to a counselor and spilling this and maybe that person could help her to DETERMINE just WHAT it is that is DRIVING this desire...It could be? Nothing more than life responsibilities closing in and a desire to return to the past. Or it could be she wants to SEE him to ACTUALLY SEE how he has turned out in spite of all...I really don't know.



Some people would say? It's dangerous to venture forth but I can tell you from both my husband's and my own experience with these long ago "loves" ??? -That by seeing them again after 20 years, it was totally dispelled...Washed away. Now I realize? That DOESN'T happen with everyone and I think? That is your GREATEST FEAR.



I hope I haven't upset you, I just wanted you to realize it happens; it can be hurtful; it does need to be examined and maybe it's not so much the past? But a desire to renew a more romantic relationship and do the little things for one another that you both use to do in the beginning...For sometimes? WE FORGET. Life get's FAR TOO BUSY. Which is why I always advise so many here to get away for a few days, just the two of them, do something fun and TALK. That's one way of clearing the air and coping.



Were I your wife? I would now seek some counseling about this - some direction from a 3rd party...It couldn't hurt and might shed more light on all...



Best of luck...



Grace

Answer 7

Closure does NOT come from anyone else...closure is found within yourself....only YOU can 'close' a failed relationship. I find people use this 'closure' concept to hang on to negative feelings far longer than they should....if you make up your mind to put a period at the end of it and move forward, closure comes with it...knowing all the gory details, why someone behaved the way they did, doesn't lessen the disappointment and change the present/past...nor does it bring 'closure'. I am sorry, but this " I need Closure from him/her" is bull...it's just an excuse to either wallow in woe, stop from getting on with life, or holding on to grudges. In your wife's case...I think she was looking for what she thought she was missing-a 'what if' scenario. Sounds like she found out the reality doesn't measure up with the memory/fantasy. I recommend professional marital counseling.

Answer 8

The closure she needs is with herself and him. If you keep a window of a computer screen open it zaps energy, sometimes starts flashing in the toolbar, maybe even had pop ups. Unresolved issues with women are much like an open computer window. Until there is closure the lil x in the box isn't even available.

If you truly trust her, let it go. Don't remind her. Don't treat her badly. When a woman feels unloved or unwanted it's when she will want to run to find comfort. Women want and need to be held tightly and made to feel safe. Every one just want that feeling at the end of the day.

Answer 9

closure is one thing but closure does not mean to keep having an affair,ex is to be ex,there's more going on here behind ur back brotha.here i am not being an as------ but truth will set and make u free. an individual puts more emotional energy outside a steady relationship, which in turn affects the relationship in some or the other way. Such affairs generally start with simple friendship, and go on to transform into a proper relationship, with no physical intimacy whatsoever. Though neither individual has sexual inclination towards the other, the emotional involvement is so much that people even tend to confine some of the most personal attributes of their life to this so-called friend, something which generally not acceptable to their partner.In an emotional affair, friendship tends to grow to something more than 'just friends' in the course of time. Sometimes deliberately, while sometimes subconsciously, an individual tends to avoid talking about this 'friendship' from his/her steady partner. He/she starts spending more time with this so-called 'best friend', and at times even resort to some excuses to do so.if u wasn't concerned that this is a red flag/i am ssure u wouldn't posted for advice.don't be in denial to the Game

At times, these people even tend to sacrifice on the happiness of their steady partner to keep their 'best friend' happy. Though a person involving in emotional infidelity may not have sexual desires towards the third person, it is bound to reflect on the physical relationship with the steady partner.If these issues are resolved with your steady partner in the very first place, you might not even have to look for solace in the third person. Simple measures, like spending more time with your steady partner, having more fun with each other, resolving relationship issues as soon as they crop up or being honest with him/her, can help you in restraining you from getting involved into something like emotional cheating, which can result in some serious complications in your life.closure is she's now with u and it does not take communicating over and over to be done with an ex,past is past.

The best advice anybody can give you is she should've avoid getting into such an affair in the very first place.

Answer 10

I think it's more like an emotional affair, assuming it's never come to consummation. She's stepping out, regardless of how you want to describe it. You should hold your head up and have some dignity by showing her the door. She thinks she has a choice of keeping what she has and also fantasizing about what she might want to have, and as long as she thinks you are okay with that you may be allowing her to do this.

Answer 11

You need to be very firm about the situation, because she's married to you now, and trying to get closure or get involved with old exes is simply unacceptable for a married couple. It would be different if she were married and has kids with him, but aside from that, you're marrying someone because you wanna be with them and only them. You need to let her know that this is unacceptable for your marriage, because if you let her proceed then she'll be stranded in between you and the ex and start thinking who's better for her.

Answer 12

I would insist on being present and having total access to what is being said and/or done. It does seem strange that she has been married for 20 years and this relationship/closure issue is just now coming up.

Answer 13

Take it from someone who has lived through it. Your wife is making up excuses for her emotional affair. I will tell you right now your wife is probably an emotionally needy person who likes the attention she gets to boost her self esteem and self worth. Like my wife used to do she would contact ex man friends, ex flames, or men she used to go to school with. The ones who were wiling she would become friendly with online telling them private details of our lives and of course flirt with them. Like your wife these are guys who she would never be able to meet up with because they live across the country but she was still crossing the lines by emotionally connecting to other men outside of the marriage. Your wife had an emotional affair for 6 months on you and now she needs to stop. All contact with him is to stop and she is to allow you access to her online activity from now on. She cheated on you and needs to realize that she needs to make things right with you.

Answer 14

I would tell her that closure starts right now, meaning that she has no further contact with him, period. To be honest, if it was all online, what's the big deal? I actually wouldn't even care if I was in your shoes. Don't make it a bigger deal than it is.

Answer 15

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Answer 16

Think out of the box when it comes to dates. Do things that are unexpected and fun. You want her to feel like when she’s with you anything is possible. Learn here http://AttractAnyWoman.emuy.info/?51Pr



She’s been on plenty of dinner-and-a-movie dates. Do a little research and find interesting places and things to do around town that’s out of the ordinary. There are hidden gems in every city. Also, get to know the owners of small restaurants and business. When your date is known by the people in the establishment, it feels more like you’re being invited into his inner circle. Just be aware that there’s a fine line between being impressive and showing off. Make sure that you make your date feel like you’re inviting her in and sharing instead of being a douche. It all goes back to intentions.

Answer 17

something just doesn't sound right.