Still Not Working?? Marriage Help/Advice, Please.?

Question

My husband and I are seperated. I left him at September 1st and got an apartment wiht our 18 month old baby girl. He had elbow surgery last November and was fired from his job because of it. He would not get a new job, would not sue them. Just sat around collecting Comp.....did NOTHING. I worked, the baby went to daycare. Said I was nagging him to work (9 months later) and took a midnight job he hated. Treated me like crap, slept all evening and ignored us. I got tired of it all, so I moved out. He quit the midnight job and is not working. Now he has to have arm surgery again. Surgery is October 18th and he has plans to start a job late November. I get no help from him, very little child support.
He says he was depressed and is sorry, and wants to work it out. But he is STILL not working. And I am still working full time, baby in daycare. He spends time playing with her, but leaves the parenting up to me. What to do? Try to work on it (still married to him) or move on?

Answer 1

Tough situation for sure. Part of a dad's part in a marriage is to have a job. He doesn't. And what most men regard as their essential nature is what they do. I think you have two problems here.... a marriage probably on the rocks, and secondly, a guy who really doesn't know what happened to him because he became a parent. For sure he is suffering from depression (sad part is guys don't like to take the drugs that work...)

First, something for you....



I give you these four little things my mom hammered into my head beginning when I was 13:



1. The most important decision you will ever make is who you marry. Choose with your head as well as your heart.

2. Have no children until your bond is strong, and have no more than you yourself can support. You may just have to

3. At any and all costs finish your education to qualify for those high paying jobs. It is likely that you will work sometime during your marriage, probably for decades…. Get paid for it. And remember, your kids and your education are forever…. Husbands, lovers and promises are not!!

4. Have a stash of cash no one knows about even if you are sure you will never need it. You absolutely will, and the more the better.



I can understand that he take some time off from surgery, but my husband had shoulder cuff surgery on a Thursday, had the weekend to recover, saw his doc Monday at 8:00, and was at his own job at 9:30. Don't know your hubby's personality, so can't judge. But it appears he's milking it for all it is worth. As well, I think you have a problem of what happened to your relationship --- and that comes with kids



And the second part... what happened to your marriage, and your husband??

Sweetie, you went from being the huss, the sexy fox, the lusty bed partner to pregger lady, then mom and housekeeper. And for him, he went from being the dude, the sex machine the man, the screwing king to father and provider--nothing he was really prepared for, as I read this posting.... And no one told you that this would happen to your cozy little relationship, did they? Your little relationship turned 180 degrees!!!!!! All we get told is , "OHHHH we're gonna have a baaayyyyyybeeeee, ain't that sooo romantic???". and it isn't.Parenthood is the toughest job, the most draining job on the planet..... You aren't what he married any longer, and he isn't what he was any longer, and being a father with lower testasterone (he doesn't know that yet) is just the shocker. And so men run, flake out, as he is doing, going into depression, or you do (some even go have affairs, and get some second lady preggers...)... You and he now have a child, and you no longer get to think of each other, you had, before you left, to get up, feed this kid, and he has to put up with your changing moods... great, huh?



Kids are not bonding, hon, they are divisive. And kids need to be planned for...lots of couples don't plan... not REALLY plan!!! We ought to teach this stuff in hs, we don't. And as a public school teacher, my apologies, really unfair to young parents who have no idea what is going to happen when kids enter their marriage.



I'm sure he has no idea what is going on in his head... He has no idea why he is depressed to the point of dragging out his recovery to the point that you had to leave just to survive.





How do you fix this? You have to decide if there is anything even worth saving in this marriage... I believe that marriage is Respect, Admiration, Passion and Trust.... Do you have any of these left for him??? If you have none, and see no resolution in the future for your marriage, then end it sweets...life is too short to spend it disgusted, as you certainly are, and have every right to feel.. If you feel there is a reason to try, don't move back in until you have had a few sessions of counseling.... the problems will still be there, unresolved....pointless. Your marriage may indeed be savable, and you will find that out in counseling. As well, you may find that it is useless to go on. In either case, you'll cut your learning time, and be able to get on with repairing your marriage, or get on with your life without him

Take pencil and paper, hon. You two are about to learn lots.... get your money's worth and take notes. Worth every dime.



Your marriage can survive, and be even stronger. Or you each may conclude your are both better off apart.



Soooo, I don't have a cure for your problems, only some food for thought.



I hope this was helpful

Answer 2

first of all you left your husband on Sept 1, because you were tired of him being lazy after he just went though elbow surgery

fired from his job would not sue, sat around collecting comp and treated you bad, you worked and paid for the child CARE for your daughter, he got job and went back to work has to have surgery again, he got job working nights and paid you and the child no mind at all. Perhaps he has been depressed and that's why he was behaving this way,

marriage is for better or worse that's what it is all about only the strong can make it last and you showed to be weak.

In marriage their are good times and bad times deal with it or move on.



best of luck

Answer 3

I am so sorry to hear of your problem. I would say some counseling would help but will he go? I know all of us go into a marriage with different ideas of how important it is to stick it out. That is something to figure out for yourself but as Someone else said earlier, make sure you don't have any more kids with him until this is resolved and ya'll are back on SOLID ground. He may be feeling insecure (new father and injured) that is where the counseling might help.

Answer 4

Grow up and outgrow the drama. I can't believe your fighting for an addict. Please trust me and write this down and read it 100 times a day. You can not fix an addict. He has to want to be fixed. You are not his guardian angel You have a right to be happy For every plea and every tear you shed there should be a rose at your feet. If he is not laying that rose he doesn't care. It's done, it's over, move onto someone you don't need to fix.

Answer 5

Tough situation, the only thing I would like to say to this, is that there is almost NOTHING worse than a lazy man!! I understand surgery and all, but he could get back to work, or find something else to do to earn an income. I HATE laziness.

Answer 6

My husband got injured 6/2006 and is suing his employer but ha snot worked since. he collected comp for 6 months and still isnt working!! Maybe he could work from home?? I found my husband 2 jobs he can do from home.. if you'd liek the sites just message me.. and i truly know what u are going through!

Answer 7

That all depends on what you really want. To raise your daughter and instill the values you have, or raise 2 children and have your daughter learn his values. Break that cycle so she knows what being responsible means,and not end up supporting someone when she gets older.

Answer 8

Divorce. He's a lazy jerk. The only reason he wants to make it work is because it would be easier for him to live off you than get off his lazy butt and get a job. He's not attentive to your child and he doesn't work. What good is he?

Answer 9

if you want to try to work on it, HE has to be willing to work on it and it sounds like he is not.....better have a sit down with him and tell him you are willing to work on your marriage if he is willing to work on it; and that includes WORKING at a paying job...... if I were you, I'd stay in the apartment with my daughter until he proves that he really wants to work it out...otherwise, get a divorce, you are already doing it all yourself now....

Answer 10

Make him prove to you he is going to change before you move back.