I feel like I have fallen out of love with my husband...?

Question

My hubs and I met in high school. We dated 6 years before getting married. We waited until after college. We've been married for 7 years and we have 2 children under the age of 3.

We've been happily married until our children came. I LOVE our babies more then anything. We were always the couple that were touching or kissing, holding hands....
After the birth of our first child I tried really hard to not put my hubs on the back burner, but after awhile I realized I was paying more attention to the baby then him. I tried to fix it and we were ok for a while. Then my hubs started working on a "hot rod" car that he bought to fix. My son and I basically spent every weekend w/ my mom, even spending the nights b/c hubs was in the gararge from sun up to sun down. My hubs never gave me a break to sleep in. He did care for our son when I specifically asked him too. Soon I went back to work full time not getting off until 6pm. It was usually 645pm before I got home with the baby while hubs had been home since 4pm. He didn't help w/ the chores or doing dinner, always working on the car. We grew distant and I actually started taking antidepressants b/c I was so unhappy. I tried a MILLION times to talk to him about how I felt, he said he was sorry and would help out for a few days... then back to the old ways. I started feeling better when he sold the car and came back to us. I got prego again and was put on bedrest w/ our daughter at 28 weeks. I quit work and stayed home all day w/ our toddler son (ON BEDREST). Again, not much help from hubs unless I specifically asked and had to ask a lot. After our daughter was born he had 2 weeks off-spending most of the time on projects around the house and helping only when I asked. He went back to work and worked 1 month straight with no days off (at a power plant) working 16 hour shifts. We never saw him. He came home to shower and sleep only. So I had to take care of a newborn and toddler by myself. I was resentful towards him for not helping out, when he could have asked off.... especially when he decided to go hunting out of state and asked off a day from work!!
Now our daughter is over a year old and I feel nothing for him. I'm angry a lot of the times for him not helping me out, for not giving me a break. I've stuffed my face w/ food and gained weight, I don't care about myself at all. I have no self esteem b/c he's also been hiding an addiction to porn all these years. I've caught him looking at it online so many times and he's promised to stop, but always looks again soon. I feel like I'm a failure as a woman and don't want him to even look at me. Everything makes me mad at him and everything irritates me. We haven't had sex in over 2 months and before that it was 1 month for sex.

Tell me what to do! How do I get those feelings back? I don't want a divorce. I'm a Christian and have struggled with these feelings. I know I should love my hubs. He's a great provider, he is great with the kids, he's nice to me. I should be so thankfull. I remember what it was like to love him. I just don't know how I got off track. I've talked to him until I'm blue in the face, HUNDREDS of times. Things are good for a few days, then back to normal. I'm tired of living this way, tired of stuffing my face full of food (as my only comfort), tired of feeling inferior to those porn girls he looks at, tired of having no self esteem, tired of crying. I don't want to leave him, I just want to feel better and love him again.

Answer 1

Well the good news is there is hope. I suggest you find a christian marriage counselor and start unloading the suitcases. We expect love to come natural. It does not. We expect marriage to come natural it does not. We expect our spouses to know how we feel and they do not. A counselor can help you both communicate with each other and deal with your individual issues.



Just as you have an addiciton to food and find comfort there I am sure your hubby finds comfort in his addictions. You both are responsible for your own feelings and behaviors and I am sure both of you never set out to hurt the other with the behaviors.



This is all the things a counselor can take out of your suitcases. Ours used to say we will take it out, look at it, discuss it and when you are ready put it away. It takes work.



I could have written most of what you had years ago and never would believed counseling could help and now after 18 years I am more in love with my husband than I ever was. But it takes work. We went to counseling thinking we only needed a few sessions. Went for about a year. Learned a healthy way to communicate, healthy boundries, healthy relations etc. Both of us had to change. On occassion we have had a few "touch" up sessions to keep us on track. We also read just about every christian book out there.



You made an investment with each other and you have to take care of the investment to keep it growing.



Good luck.

Answer 2

I think you have to acknowledge that the problem lies with both of you. Obviously your depression has reached a point in which it has started making your husband the scapegoat of all your problems, but if you see it from his point of view, he's probably not doing all this stuff to get you angry and upset. Having children changes your life forever, and you may just be realizing that your old life that you had together is gone forever. It will take time to accept that. I hope you're not taking anti-depressants without going to therapy. This is the biggest mistake people make when seeking help because the drugs really damage your brain if you don't use them in conjunction with therapy.

As far as the porn goes, he's probably entered the stage where he feels like if you two have sex, psychologically, there may be consequences like more kids, which equals more unhappiness.



You need a life change for sure. But you need to work together to rebuild the spark in your lives. Try working out some sort of situation where you can spend the weekend alone, without the kids. Perhaps, counseling is an option. If not, Ask him what he thinks will work. Don't put yourself and your needs first, because your husband may feel that is the reason things have gotten so bad. Keep Strong, and don't give up.

Answer 3

You are in a completely normal place for married people to be in after 7 years of marriage and a couple kids. You are BOTH at fault here. You don't need a divorce you need to sit down and communicate! Set up couple's counseling with your preacher or someone else and talk about the things that are bothering you and find ways to fix them. You may be depressed from having your daughter as well. Go get help so your family can be back on track!

Answer 4

Wow! You've been through alot & are going through alot. My heart goes out to you. I recall how hectic life was when I used to work full-time along with my husband & when the kids were 6 months old, 2yrs. old & 5 yrs. old. Somehow we Moms grow an extra pair of eyes behind our heads & try to do the best that we can.



Don't give up on your marriage as there are so many great things within your marriage. It just seems like you two need to reconnect somehow.



It sounds like your hubby truly loves you, but somehow he's gotten off track. The question is how to get him back on track & connected to you. Sounds like he loves working on his cars



I remember someone sharing a marriage counseling technique. People are alway so busy that it's difficult to get each other's full attention. Try to create a rule that the two of you go to bed at 9pm & have "couple time". Possibly schedule a bubble bath together & take turns helping each get soapy. Scrub each other's backs & put on some soothing music. You both will sleep well after a nice hot bath & hopefully possibly reconnect with some intimate adult time.



I wish you well. Hang in there. You need to tell him the things you love that he does & then guide him into doing things that you enjoy.



I wish you well & fun with the bubble baths. : )

Answer 5

You are being a wonderful wife - he is not appreciating what he has. He should be soo lucky to have a wife that dose not cheat on him and that can have kids. I know its hard for you and it hurts a lot when he looks at porn- you need to give him an ultimatum ; either he starts being more of a husband by giving you attention and stop looking at the porn or just have a break form him - show him what life would be like without you around - if he lives it up then you really need to think about moving on - it sounds like he has. But if he changes then get back with him and go to counseling. Good Luck and trust me you are stronger and prettier than you think.

Answer 6

Look...

Marriages are always tough, I am too a Christian and would like to think I know where are coming from, judging from experience all I can say is that with every new challenge in a marriage, there is going to be conflict and of course everyone reacts differently

Maybe your husband is just not as good as bringing up your kids at this age as you both hoped he would be, that doesn’t mean that he isn’t going to be a great father when they are teenagers and support them all the way through school and help them with their homework ect...

I believe that you should just trust in God and continue to try and get your husband to contribute by telling him how much it is effecting you that he is prioritising his car over his family, to every bad stage – there is a path on the other side...

To the porn addiction, it’s a big one with guys and there is nothing really you can do about it except beg him to stop, I understand it must feel horrible to feel inferior to these porn woman but in the end it is probably only his childhood addiction that is making him carry on and not the fact that he is sick of you or your marriage, it is just something he has to work through himself

I hope I helped...

Answer 7

Believe it or not it is normal for married couples to fall in and out of love with each other. It will pass especially if you want it to. Look ahead your children will be moving out one day and you and your husband will have to adjust all over again and it will be just you and he... Instead of going off to your mothers b/c you are board or want his attention put the kids to bed and surprise him with a night out int he garage just the two of you walk out there in a hot outfit ready to shock him! Take the baby monitor it will make you relax and you will be able to enjoy yourself a bit better. Also get a baby sitter and insist on nights out with him - date night... maybe take the kids to your moms for the night, have a few drinks and have sex like you haven't since before you two were married.. Oh and here is another thing I thought might help... The ART of love making - here is a link, http://www.kamalove.com/ it just might make him think in a different light, you as well and if that happens then I know you two will be back on track and feeling the love and spark of life again...

Answer 8

Did you consider counseling as an option? It seems you both need it seperately and together. A counselor will bring some accountability to the marriage. He will not as easily be able to say he will change some things and then not do it if someone is monitoring him. Additionally, you will have to take responsibility for your own eating and weight gain since that is your own doing.

Answer 9

He feels used, as if you only want him around for what he contributes financially and physically. You feel used, as if he only wants you around to take care of the drudge-work and kids.



You both are out of touch with each others emotional needs. That often happens when a second child is born and illness crops up. You are both resenting the hardship you have been going through and you both have been distancing each other as a result.



The problem is that you both used each other as the focal point of your resentment and frustration. In fact, the things that are making you both feel so bad are just the situations you've been thrust into. There's no one really to blame here. Yes, he should help you out (oldest complaint in the world by mothers) but at the same time I bet you don't do much for him either. You think washing his clothes and making his meals are enough? He probably thinks the same about making all the money and still doing chores. You're both overtaxed by your situation... you need rest and relaxation.



First, you (since you're the one posting) need to admit that you are placing too much responsibility on him for your spiritual well-being. He is not responsible for your happiness; he can affect it but he's not responsible for keeping your self-esteem up and making you feel important. Neither are you responsible for his. Both of you need to admit this and resolve to work on your problems TOGETHER. Trust me, you are both feeling the same things and you are both blaming the other person for how you feel. Its understandable but its backwards.



Hard times are when a couple are supposed to bond together to overcome obstacles. INstead of working together, you two are isolating yourselves then blaming the other person for your feelings of inadequacy and insufficiency.



Tell your husband the truth: you miss him. You miss being alone with him. You miss being a couple without all the problems and responsibilities hampering you. Tell him you remember what is so great about him, what makes him a wonderful man to you. Tell him you want to figure out how to make time for each other instead of just using each other as a laborer. Tell him how you appreciate everything he's done for you and the family. Tell him how much you need him, not just for work, chores and help but spiritually, emotionally.



Let that set. Resolve to work on your own self-image. Resolve to separating your marriage from your problems so that you can approach things from a perspective of "US" rather than "me and him"

Answer 10

I do believe you have reached your breaking point. You will NEVER have those feelings for him again if he continues to do what he does - piss you off. He doesn't care about your feelings. He doesn't care about being at home with the family. He can't wait to get out of the house (he's as unhappy as you are). If you guys don't go to marriage counseling and I mean soon, there is no way to regain what you have lost . . . too much hurt, too much betrayal, too much nothing . . . good luck.

Answer 11

I'm sorry. I don't know how to get those feelings back. Resentment will tear apart a relationship.



I think the only way to make it work is for both of you to want it, and both of you to fully dedicate yourself 100% to fixing it.



Fake it until you feel it.



Best of luck.

Answer 12

Kids change everything... It doesn't sound to me like either of you was ready to have children



You and your husband need counseling...



It seems to me that you blame everything on him and I can guarantee you that he knows you feel that way and resents you for it

Answer 13

this your job for now, the children, you know exactly how he was before you had 2 kids, children do not change the man.

continue to go to church, pray, read the bible, have the pastor talk to him about porn. i know it destroys relationships.

Answer 14

Is Love something you can really fall in and out of...like a boat, car, box?

Answer 15

You fell out of live with him because you cal him "hubs".









Puke.

Answer 16

you could try marriage counseling..